“I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?” Zsa Zsa Gabor
“My boyfriend gives our dogs their own voices,” one woman wrote on Reddit’s Ask Women the other day. “It gets hilariously ridiculous sometimes, but I love it.”
Another woman said her boyfriend’s turtle has its own Instagram account. Again, funny, charming — a bit strange — but loveable just the same. It’s that crazy, unexpected thing that makes us laugh. Then we feel slightly embarrassed because it is, well, a bit crazy.
In fact, we don’t realize how crazy it is until we start telling our friends, and suddenly they’re in hysterics, saying, “That’s crazy.” But then, their boyfriend spent the day Simonizing the car, so they’re actually envious, and, besides, they haven’t shot a vodka martini out their nose in ages. …
“Beware of false prophets, which comes to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they’re ravening wolves.” Mathew 7:15
Donald Trump isn’t particularly worried about this election. Maybe he should be, but he isn’t. He’s done the job he set out to do, not without glitches or people saying he didn’t do anything. He never ran for office expecting to do anything. Like any politician with a sleazy background, the more you say, the less you have to accomplish.
Maybe he learned this from his mentor and fixer, Roy Cohn. Trump used to call him 15 to 20 times a day, asking for guidance. It would eventually form his book, The Art of The Deal. In fact, Cohn was the deal. He didn’t negotiate, he threw up enough lies and threats, making it hard to know what was menace and what was meaningful menace. …
“I don’t regret anything.” Amy Winehouse
Kachru watched the people coming into the school auditorium, some frowning, some perhaps hoping he’d die right there.
Most were retired couples wearing parkas and carrying coffee cups. A heavyset reporter was there from The Edmonton Examiner. He’d tried to interview Kachru coming through the doors earlier. Kachru had politely declined. A mistake, obviously. Now the reporter sat directly in front, feet out and crossed, running his fingers through his sweaty hair.
That morning, Kachru had brought in his slide projector and screen. There was a remote of sorts on a long electrical cord. He’d taken off his sweaters, but still wore his Wellco boots. …
“They’ve got everything for you men to enjoy…” The Village People (YMCA)
President Donald Trump doesn’t pay much attention to lyrics. His favourite song “Is That All There Is?” sung by Peggy Lee, describes watching a house burn down and turning to drink. Why does Trump like it? “It’s a great song because I’ve had these tremendous successes,” he said. “And then I’m off to the next one.”
Missing a song’s point seems to be standard with this president. It’s like there’s a little man on one shoulder doing the “daddy dance.” On the other, he’s singing something else entirely. He claims he’s not tone deaf, but that’s questionable. …
“My cooking was so bad, my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” Phyllis Diller
As history describes it, turkeys were first introduced to the Thanksgiving dinner table way back in the early 1600s. No record explains exactly why the Pilgrims chose turkey for this historic feast. They weren’t the plump and juicy turkeys we know today— in fact, they were embarrassingly skinny by comparison. Then again, so were cows and sheep.
No, the choice of wild turkey remains a bit of a conundrum, although it might have been because the Pilgrim’s guests were the Wampanoag tribe.
The Wampanoag wore a lot of turkey plumage, and even a proselytizing Pilgrim knew wild turkeys didn’t exactly hand their feathers over. They were obviously a favourite Wampanoag dish, and since the Pilgrims wanted to please their guests, they went out and shot a bunch of wild turkeys. …
“Everybody’s talking at once in a hypnotic, hyper din: the cocktail party from hell.” Maureen Dowd
“Reading is 4 chumps, brotha,” Mew16 wrote on reddit, an opinion shared by many in the discussion group — and not just brothas. As one woman explained, “Maybe it was being forced to read for 12 years, and the whole thing associated with shitty teachers and shitty people and shitty memories.”
Whether “shitty” memories can account for not reading, or the content of books themselves, certainly there’s a turn-off rate. …
“I don’t believe in the afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.” — Woody Allen
It has come to my attention that men aren’t changing their underwear nearly enough these days. I’ll stop short of calling it a national outrage. Some things are obviously more outrageous than your underwear, but leaving them on for days—possibly weeks—is completely reprehensible.
Underwear isn’t like curtains. You can’t leave them until they’re dusty or torn apart by the cat. They’re curtains. They don’t spend days in the dank, sweaty region between your legs. …
“If he fixed the boat, he’d never get a shot at Ginger.” Reddit TXJKU
Since I’m sitting here, all pandemic-ed out, eating Twizzlers with chopsticks (bored, in other words), I have a question of international importance. Okay, maybe not international. I’d still like an answer, though. I’m not drunk.
If the Professor on Gilligan’s Island could build a bamboo lie detector, why couldn’t he fix the boat? It’s a hole. You fill it, you sail off and have dinner at Arby’s. There’s one on Catalina Island…at least, I think there is.
So why didn’t they fix the stupid boat? Well, I have it on good authority the whole series — get ready for this — was a political commentary. …
“Women don’t suffer from penis envy. Men do.” Joseph Heller.
It’s been a joyless week in politics. Even the British oddsmakers weren’t getting takers on 10/1 odds Trump will win. Okay, he did win a lawsuit, causing a recount in Pennsylvania, which sent Biden’s electoral votes up to 306. Remember when Trump hit that number in 2016? He called it “a slaughter.” Now he calls Biden’s win “the greatest con in American history.”
It’s amazing how everything’s historical with Trump. …
Mr. Clean gets tough on dirt and grime
And grease in just a minute
Mr. Clean will clean your whole house
And every room that’s in it.
Way back in the early 60s, I had an epiphany. I didn’t know what epiphanies were, but I had one, anyway.
I remember lying on the rug one night, watching Bonanza. Just as the Cartwrights were about to shoot it out with some cattle rustlers, the network cut to a commercial featuring a bald guy wearing a tight white t-shirt and an earring. …