Do we love the unexpected, or are we just crazy for crazy?

Image for post
Image for post
Courtesy of Pinterest

I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?” Zsa Zsa Gabor

“My boyfriend gives our dogs their own voices,” one woman wrote on Reddit’s Ask Women the other day, describing the antics of her boyfriend who may have too much time on his hands. “It gets hilariously ridiculous sometimes,” the woman added, “but I love it.” No doubt the dogs love it, too. Barking only gets you so far in this world.

Another woman said her boyfriend’s turtle has its own Instagram account. Again, funny, charming — a bit strange — but loveable just the same. It’s that crazy, unexpected thing that makes us laugh. …


The sad truth about politics and people in America.

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Marco Zuppone on Unsplash

Beware of false prophets, which comes to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they’re ravening wolves.” Mathew 7:15

Donald Trump isn’t particularly worried about this election. He should be, but he isn’t. He’s done the job he set out to do. There were glitches, and people saying he was a disaster, but so what? He never ran for office expecting to do anything. Like every politician in Washington with a keen sense of self preservation, the more you say, the less you have to accomplish.

Maybe he learned this from his mentor and fixer, Roy Cohn, the right hand to Joseph McCarthy during the sad and desperate Anti-American Trials of the 50s. Trump used to call Cohn 15 to 20 times a day, asking for guidance. It would eventually form his book, The Art of The Deal. Cohn was the deal. He didn’t negotiate, he threw up enough lies and threats, making it hard to know what was menace and what was meaningful menace. …


After you’ve been a jihadist, you tend to identify more with Tom Hanks than John Wayne.

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Alex Litvin on Unsplash

I don’t regret anything.” Amy Winehouse

Kachru watched the people coming into the school auditorium, some frowning, some perhaps hoping he’d die right there.

Most were retired couples wearing parkas and carrying coffee cups. A heavyset reporter was there from The Edmonton Examiner. He’d tried to interview Kachru coming through the doors earlier. Kachru had politely declined. A mistake, obviously. Now the reporter sat directly in front, feet out and crossed, running his fingers through his sweaty hair.

That morning, Kachru had brought in his slide projector and screen. There was a remote of sorts on a long electrical cord. He’d taken off his sweaters, but still wore his Wellco boots. …


Where else can you go when John Fogerty tells you to take a hike?

Image for post
Image for post
Courtesy of YouTube

They’ve got everything for you men to enjoy…” The Village People (YMCA)

President Donald Trump doesn’t pay much attention to lyrics. His favourite song “Is That All There Is?” sung by Peggy Lee, describes watching a house burn down and turning to drink. Why does Trump like it? “It’s a great song because I’ve had these tremendous successes,” he said. “And then I’m off to the next one.”

Missing a song’s point seems to be standard with this president. It’s like there’s a little man on one shoulder doing the “daddy dance.” On the other, he’s singing something else entirely. He claims he’s not tone deaf, but that’s questionable. …


Baste your bird, don’t debase it, for crying out loud.

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Jp Valery on Unsplash

My cooking was so bad, my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” Phyllis Diller

As history describes it, turkeys were first introduced to the Thanksgiving dinner table way back in the early 1600s. No record explains exactly why the Pilgrims chose turkey for this historic feast. They weren’t the plump and juicy turkeys we know today— in fact, they were embarrassingly skinny by comparison. Then again, so were cows and sheep.

No, the choice of wild turkey remains a bit of a conundrum, although it might have been because the Pilgrim’s guests were the Wampanoag tribe.

The Wampanoag wore a lot of turkey plumage, and even a proselytizing Pilgrim knew wild turkeys didn’t exactly hand their feathers over. They were obviously a favourite Wampanoag dish, and since the Pilgrims wanted to please their guests, they went out and shot a bunch of wild turkeys. …


Talking is what we know and what makes us feel safe.

Image for post
Image for post
Courtesy of Dreamstime

Everybody’s talking at once in a hypnotic, hyper din: the cocktail party from hell.” Maureen Dowd

“Reading is 4 chumps, brotha,” Mew16 wrote on reddit, an opinion shared by many in the discussion group — and not just brothas. As one woman explained, “Maybe it was being forced to read for 12 years, and the whole thing associated with shitty teachers and shitty people and shitty memories.”

Whether “shitty” memories can account for not reading, or the content of books themselves, certainly there’s a turn-off rate. …


Image for post
Image for post
Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

FICTION

A short story by Robert Cormack

I was in my room at The Manor Hotel, a dull place with a single light and a sticky patch on the rug. It was just after ten o’clock and I couldn’t sleep. Maybe it was the summer heat or working so far from home. I’d come up here to Harriston right after graduation, figuring I could handle a year or two in a small country station. I was into my second month and, outside of work, there wasn’t much to do besides fish or play baseball against the Kiwanis guys.

Sometimes, when I couldn’t sleep, I’d go drive the back roads. About five miles from town, there was this reforestation reserve. Red Oberon, one of the station technicians, took me down the firebreak one time. It ended at the Crazy River. Not far from there was Arnett Cole’s farm. Arnett was a legend in these parts. Back in the fifties, he played drums with the big bands touring Ontario. One day, their bus broke down nearby. …


Starting with giant gerbils.

Image for post
Image for post
Courtesy of Daily Sabah

Drag queens are extremely innovative and, I mean, we will persist through plague, famine, war or pandemic. We will prevail.” Alaska

Historically, we’ve done some pretty crazy things during pandemics— especially plagues. Back in the Middle Ages, just saying “plague” caused entire cities to rush home and lock their doors. Say “plague” today and everyone runs to Walmart for toilet paper and canned sardines.

Plagues were (still are) caused by bacteria (pestis bacteria, thus prestilence), usually found in small mammals and their fleas. We blame rats, but it turns out the early bubonic plagues were caused by giant gerbils. …


America in summary: The country you wish you hadn’t started a conversation with at a party.

Image for post
Image for post
Courtesy of Twitter, Ryan J. Reilly

The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.” P.J. O’Rourke

By now, we’ve all heard of Mellissa Carone, the Dominion Voting Whistleblower and supposed IT specialist (Dominion has since reported that she was hired as a cleaner). During testimony, she claimed firsthand knowledge of the most depraved ballot switch ever committed on American soil. Over 150,000 ballots should have gone to Trump, she claimed, telling the the committee to check the registered voter list. “There isn’t one,” she said.

When Republican Steve Johnson remarked that her numbers didn’t add up, she snapped back, “What did you guys do? Take it and do something crazy with it?” Leaning over to her ear, I’m sure Giuliani said, “Johnson’s a Republican, Mellissa. One of us, in other words, you ninny. …


Bitches love compliments? Lies are fun?

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

I attribute my youthful looks to processed foods and preservatives.” Joan Rivers

Why is it every time a woman posts a picture of herself, other women feel the need to tell her she’s gorgeous? If the woman’s in her twenties then, sure, it’s possible — even likely. If she’s in their late fifties, rounding sixty — and not Christie Brinkley — how gorgeous can she be? She’s a bystanding, bench-warming senior (I say this as someone who’s past the bench-warming stage; I’m practically part of the bench).

I talked to an anthropologist friend of mine, a “bone scrubber,” as I call him, and asked — anthropologically speaking, of course — if human degeneration allows for gorgeousness in older women. “Of course it does,” he said. “My wife’s gorgeous. …

About

Robert Cormack

I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store