A Writer’s Guide to Good Sex.
Or how to turn your size into sighs.
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” Billy Crystal
Writers are people, too, and like most people, we’re just as capable of flubbing sex as anyone else. In fact, it’s possible we’re bigger flubbers than most.
As Winston Churchill once said, “We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.”
Well, we let a lot of words slip out. Either we say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. It’s a wonder we have sex at all. We should be hermits.
Since we’re not, I’ve decided to offer up a writer’s sex guide, hopefully to prevent us from becoming hermits. Hermits eschew sex. We’re just bad at it.
Either way, I’m going to attempt this guide, even if it means exposing what made us writers in the first place. Hint: We’re flubbers.
Why I Became A Bikini Underwear Advocate
I should start with my first sexual encounter, one I’m ashamed to say amounted to nothing because my hand was in the wrong place. I was trying to find the clasp of her bra. Having no luck, I finally said, “Your bra doesn’t have a clasp.” She responded by saying, “Those are my panties.”
I now only date women who wear bikini underwear or no underwear at all.
In the years that followed, I made similar gaffs, like telling one woman I only wanted to please her. What pleased her most? Hearing me describe in detail which of her body parts I found most attractive.
Well, any fool will tell you this is a trap. Name any body part you find attractive on a woman, and she’s going to tell you it’s not her most attractive, and you’re a dummy for thinking it is.
I didn’t want to be called a dummy, so I figured I’d generalize.
“You’ve got a very nice head,” I said.
“You like my head?” she replied.
“Yes, yes, the eyes, the hair, the lips—all of it.”
“Then why did you say my head?”
“I guess I hate compound sentences.”
“Well,” she said, “guess who’s not getting head.”
First rule of sex: Don’t try to be grammatically funny.
The Biggest Cause of Flubbing
I dated someone who let me go on massaging her back for months. One night, she finally rolled over and said, “I hate massages.” I asked her why she hadn’t mentioned this before. I mean, I could’ve busied myself doing something else — like massaging myself.
“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings,” she said.
This came up on an Ask Women comment section of Reddit, with the majority of respondents saying, “Never fake it. If he thinks you like something (and you don’t), he’ll keep doing it.”
Someone named Wisefool added, “Good advice. I would tell my partner, too, except my partner is usually my hand…and talking to your hand when there isn’t a sock, or some sort of puppet on it, is weird.”
I’ll say it’s weird. Nobody puts socks on their hands these days. They buy a gizmo. Some gizmos, admittedly, look like hands with fingers, except they’re called rabbits. I grew up with rabbits. They never made a woman scream like these do. If they had, my parents would’ve made me get rid of them.
So What Can A Flubber Do?
As writers, we bear the weight of what I’ll call “sexual despondency,” meaning we’re supposed to have insights about sex — but we don’t. I’m just as confused now as when I botched that first massage. To be honest, I’ve botched other massages, even one with a masseuse. She said, “Don’t give up baseball.” I said, “I’m terrible at baseball.” She said, “It can’t be any worse than this.”
With that in mind, I’ve taken the only course of action I consider appropriate in this circumstances. I’ve come up with a cunning plan perfectly suited to the thousands of sexual flubbers out there, better known as writers.
My Cunning Plan
As writers, we’re in an ideal position to ask intimate questions about sex. The trick is to have a pen and pad handy. Once your date sees you’re ready to turn their sexual transgressions into proper sentences, instead of being shocked, they’re more likely to say, “I’m glad you asked that question.” From there, you can ask stuff like “Do you own a gizmo with a bunch of rabbits?”
Using Intimidation For Good
Gathering data and first-person accounts is the very foundation of solid writing. It’s also the foundation of solid sex. If you’re ever floundering with a date, just start flipping back through your notepad, especially where she says, “I’ve got more rotating knobs on my vibrator than protein spikes on a virus.” As they say on The Big Bang Theory, “Done and done.”
Piles of Books
Never underestimate your power as a reader. Any time a date says, “What the hell are you getting at?” simply point to a pile of books. It doesn’t matter what books. The fact that you have them elevates you to a position of authority. All you have to say is, “It’s all there,” and you’ll get all the sex you can handle. Why? Because no woman wants to admit they haven’t read a book in ages.
Part of the intrigue of glasses is the intellectual component known as the “Clark Kent Syndrome.” Remember how he threw off his glasses in the phone booth before emerging as Superman? Nothing intrigues a date like wondering what’ll happen if you remove your glasses. Most of us stumble around like blind mice. If we end up massaging a pillow instead of our date’s back, what’s the harm? They hate massages, anyway.
Nothin’ Says Lovin’ Like A Witches Coven
Writers are plagiarists by nature. In fact, we spend most of our lives copying someone else’s ideas. Occasionally, this comes in handy. If your date says, “I’ve had a terrible day,” just shake your head and reply, “Boil, boil, toil and trouble.” If she looks quissical, simply say, “Macbeth. He had many terrible days.” You don’t have to mention that he was found on the battlefield with a pike up his ass. You’re offering sympathy, not hysterical footnotes.
In Summary, It’s Summery
Homonyms won’t impress your date at first, but they could if you relate them to sex. Throwing out “I get many sighs when I tell them my size,” will have them immediately thinking you’re well hung. They’ll also think you’re clever, which doesn’t hurt if you’re not well hung.
Now Go Out And Dazzle (At Least More Than Salman Rushdie)
Hopefully, these suggestions will result in more sex, even if it’s just a massage. At least your date will think you know a lot of homonyms and Shakespearean quotes. You might even add a little Henry Miller or the Marquis de Sade, whose libertine sexuality won’t go amiss if you read it with breathy pauses and a summery lilt.
Just remember to employ these techniques sparingly. You don’t want to sound like Salman Rushdie. I don’t think he has sex.
If he does, he probably flubs it like the rest of us.
Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist, and former advertising copywriter. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Robert’s other articles and stories (absolutely free) at robertcormack.net