Are You As Turned On As I Am?
What people don’t know about angry sex.
“When I’m upset, I’m about as wet as a stale raisin.” footypjs
“Dude would get freezer burn if he tried touching me,” one woman admitted when asked if she liked angry sex. Similar responses followed, each with their own versions of what would happen to the perpetrator. Most perpetrators are dudes, of course. Women generally don’t want sex after arguing over who forgot to walk the dog. Smart dudes walk the dog.
Dumb ones try to have angry sex.
“They’ll get a swift kick to the yam bag if they try it with me,” another respondent said. “That’s if they’re lucky.”
If a woman says, “When I’m pissed, touching me is the fastest way to lose a limb,” I believe her.
I’m not familiar with the term “yam bag,” but I take it testicles are involved, and that’s enough to keep me from having angry sex. If a woman says, “When I’m pissed, touching me is the fastest way to lose a limb,” I believe her. I’ll go walk the dog — even if I don’t have one. Lots of dogs need walking.
So why are dudes thinking about sex during arguments in the first place? As one psychologist explained, “The part of the brain that interprets sexual arousal also deals with fear or anger. We essentially feel both which is arousing and threatening at the same time.”
It’s a mixed message, in other words. Some of us don’t handle mixed messages very well, especially if one option is sex. Even if it’s way in the back of our minds, it’ll still light up like a Las Vegas billboard. Throw in some strobe lights (oxytocin), and we’ll risk anything. That could include “taking one in the yam bags.”
Which makes me wonder: Is it possible to have angry sex without risking serious violence? I did some research, but all I could find were suggestions that sounded more like dating rituals. I mean, how can you think about “respect and consideration” when you’re riding your partner like a Roman chariot?
I mean, how can you think about “respect and consideration” when you’re riding your partner like a Roman chariot?
The point is, you can’t. Angry sex has no rules. Either you’re having hard driving, maniacal monkey sex, or you’re dodging flying objects. In either case, etiquette is hardly going to make the situation safer or more civilized.
And who wants it safer and more civilized? Isn’t the whole point of raunchy, feral sex a chance to get primal?
In any case, I’ve listed some of the sex advice below with my comments. This isn’t me defending angry sex. I haven’t had angry sex. I doubt the experts have, either. I just think what they’re saying is dumb. Not that I’m smart. But that rarely stops me.
Angry sex should be consensual
Forget that nonsense. There’s nothing consensual about angry sex. You’re supposed to go after each other like hungry bears — not barristers at the Bailey.
You need boundaries
Angry sex is two people admitting they’ve tossed rational thinking out the window. The day you start having safe words and boundaries, you might as well forget the whole thing and play Yahtzee.
Angry sex isn’t makeup sex
No kidding. Makeup sex happens when you’re exhausted. You can’t think of anything else to do. Angry sex is the opposite. You can think of lots of things to do. In fact, by the time you’re finished, you need makeup sex just to erase all the freaky things you did to each other.
Be considerate at all times
Again, nonsense. You’re lucky if you’re capable of logical thought. Nobody in the midst of frenzied, unadulterated lust cares about consideration. It’s supposed to inconsiderate. You’re doing things to each that should be outlawed.
Healthy communication
Look, you’re angry, she’s angry. Stick to basics. The less said the better. Let your flaring nostrils do the talking. Or your flaring inseam. Either way, if she’s into it, she’s into it. If she’s not, you’re going to lose a limb.
If something goes whizzing past your head, not good. If you find your head in leg scissors, you’re okay. Just hope she lets you up.
The trick is knowing the warning signs, which could save your life or forfeit it. Here’s a simple way to know which: If something goes whizzing past your head, not good. If you find your head in leg scissors, you’re okay. Just hope she lets you up. Some partners won’t, you know.
Lastly, don’t say, “What’s the worse she can do to me?” There’s plenty she can do to you. You may have crossed the line already with “Are you as turned on as I am?” Remember the show Frazier? On two episodes, he made the mistake of saying that line, only to have the women practically vomit in front of him.
Don’t be stupid, in other words. It’s one thing to engage in dirty talk, another to have spewed vomit on your rug. So watch yourself. More importantly, watch her. And don’t expect early warning signals. As Charlie Harper once said to his brother on Two and a Half Men, “If in doubt, zig zag and roll.”
That’s very good advice.
Now, go have fun.
