Bondage? Rough Sex? I’m More Worried About Acronyms.

The crazy, bizarre, loopy things we do in the interest of interesting sex.

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“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.” Joan Rivers

Far be it for me to criticize popular notions — or any notions, for that matter. I’m just wondering where we’re going with relationships these days. If I’m to believe the latest OkCupid poll, we’re not into a little kinky sex — we’re into a lot of it.

We’ve become shameless hussies (even the men), ready to turn our kink into everything from “Saddle up, partner,” to “Could you please knock out a molar.”

Seriously, gone are the days after 9 ½ Weeks when we’d go to the fridge and stick honey, hot peppers — or whatever was past the sell by date — into our partner’s mouth. Today — dare I say it — we’ve moved to (gasp!) acronyms.

That’s right, acronyms. Forget saying you’re kinky or into bondage. Just tell your date or partner you’re a full-fledged BDSM devotee.

Apparently, being a BDSM carries a lot of weight. The mere mention, according to 600,000 respondents on OkCupid, has everyone nodding their heads — or 71% anyway. That’s how many say they’re into kink. Break it down (taking the gags out of their mouths) and 75% of men and 62% of women say they like rough sex.

Now, rough sex isn’t anything new. We had our own acronym for it back in the day when we called it IDSL (I didn’t shave my legs). This prompted us to leave disposable razors everywhere. But we didn’t talk about it around the water cooler at work, saying “I had IDSL sex last night” (the whole world did).

They know more sailor knots than sailors.

If the same OkCupid research is to be believed, 43% of women today think it’s absolutely fine to be IDSL, up considerably from 27% eight years ago. If you add IDSL to BDSM, you’re really going to have a rough night.

We can’t even say “I’m tied up right now,” without someone assuming we’re BDSM. Seems being tied up isn’t just a scene out of Seinfeld where George gets tied to the bedposts by a hooker. More than half of the respondents of OkCupid’s poll either liked being tied up, do the tying, or sometimes both.

They know more sailor knots than sailors.

And just as we used to blame 9 ½ Weeks for sticky kitchen floors, research is now blaming recent movie releases for what amounts to a lot of RB (rope burn) and ICSTRB (I can still taste the rubber ball).

I mean, is someone going to suddenly wonder why they’re hogtied in a box instead of out playing eighteen holes of golf?

There was a serious spike in BDSM two years ago on Valentine’s Day, the same weekend Fifty Shades of Darker hit movie theaters. Even if it gets the 37th Golden Raspberry Award (Fifty Shades of Grey got the 36th), frisky couples aren’t movie critics. They don’t need good writing. In fact, they count on bad writing. That way they’re having sex instead of watching a movie (or maybe they’re both tied up, wondering how they ordered a pizza).

My big concern is whether this is healthy or not. Are BDSM enthusiasts engaging in thrills or spiritual trust between partners? I’m not saying you can’t have both, I’m just wondering if we’re aping movies or being truly inspired by them. I mean, is someone going to suddenly wonder why they’re hogtied in a box instead of out playing eighteen holes of golf?

Fortunately, a little research (very little) showed no particular adverse effects from BDSM. Studies show the physical risk associated with kink and bondage can actually help your intimacy.

“If someone is going to bind your wrists or tie you to a Saint Andrew’s cross and flog you,” Patricia John, co-author of Partners in Passion: A Guide to Great Sex, Emotional Intimacy, and Long-Term Love, “there has to be a high level of trust at work.”

The present “turn ons,” according to research, include hair-pulling, slapping, biting and hearing derogatory terms.

Trust is certainly important. We don’t want to be like George Costanza, wondering why someone tied us up and walked off with our clothes. Conversely, we should only be roping someone who wants to be roped.

Saying “If it makes you happy,” could open up a whole parade of things normally reserved for Monday Night Raw. The present “turn ons,” according to research, include hair-pulling, slapping, biting and hearing derogatory terms. If this isn’t your idea of a fun Friday night, you might want to put your partner’s “happiness” on hold.

What’s really interesting is the equal split in demographics. Roughly the same number of men (36%) and women (34%) said they want “some” or “lots and lots” of pain with sex. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “Call me your dirty little slut,” or “Why can’t these rubber balls be flavored?” Conversation is the backbone of all things BDSM — even with a ball in your mouth.

Even the staunchest detractors admit there are health benefits associated with BDSM

No wonder they call regular sex “vanilla” these days. Americans lead the world in bondage tools, blindfolds and masks. One of the questions on dating sites is: “Would anyone be shocked by what they found in your closet?” Well, they sure would these days. An invasion force could probably take out the eastern seaboard with nipple clips and a spanking.

George Costanza’s mother summed it up best when she accused George of treating his body “like an amusement park.” Based on the research, half the homes in America could be amusement parks. Maybe it’s a trend or a fad, but it won’t go away any time soon. Even the staunchest detractors admit there are health benefits associated with BDSM like the following:

1. INCREASES INTIMACY: Calling your spouse a “dirty little slut” increases transparency, especially men who always knew they were dirty little sluts. Still, it doesn’t hurt hearing it firsthand from someone holding a paddle.

2. ENCOURAGES FIDELITY: Investing in bondage tools, masks and whips reduces the need to cheat since you’re hogtied and in a box, and your screams suggest you’re already being punished for cheating.

3. BETTER MENTAL HEALTH: People who engage in BDSM scored better on mental health tests, either because they’re more stimulated or they’re in too much pain to admit they’re perverts.

4. REDUCES ANXIETY: Giving or receiving pain can reduce anxiety since any imaginary threat is nothing compared to nipple clips and hot wax dripping down your privates.

If you have anything to add, please contact OkCupid, since the research was theirs and I’m tied up right now. Bondage retailers are asked to refrain from advertising here, especially if you’re offering Groupons, which are discouraged on this site (for now, anyway).

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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