“I was eating a pastrami sandwich the whole time, Jerry.” George Costanza
Bananas are considered a woman’s entry into the world of dildos. “Try a banana,” a woman suggested to another woman who was unsure about dildos, or anything, for that matter. “If you don’t like it,” the first woman suggested, “tell your boyfriend you don’t need artificial stimulation.”
Boy, just when you think sex is great, your boyfriend wants you to artificially stimulate yourself. “What about a dildo?” he’ll say, pointing out that she can be thinking about him while she’s doing it. “What if I’m happy with just sex?” she asks, like that’s kept women satisfied since the Neolithic period.
There are no cave drawings showing a woman using a banana, although whether this can be attributed to modesty, or limited creativity, is anybody’s guess. Farming was limited to a narrow range of plants, both wild and domesticated. There’s no evidence of domesticated bananas or using them for organic masturbation. People just ate the stupid things.
“Hey, babe,” the guy replies, “how can a banana replace me?” “Easy,” she says. “Better conversation.”
The Urban Dictionary refers to “Banana Sex” as a man putting a woman on her back and inserting a banana in her vagina instead of his penis. Then he runs like hell. To take this scenario further, guiltily he calls her the next day, apologizing for his immaturity. “That’s okay,” she says, “I put a moustache on the banana and now we’re going steady. “Hey, babe,” the guy replies, “how can a banana replace me?” “Easy,” she says. “Better conversation.”
For those of you thinking I work to punchlines (which I do), organic masturbation, or sex with a vegetable third party, is very real. Cucumbers, carrots, zucchini and other long vegetables are frequently used, and one woman claimed she saw “some of the coolest G-spot cucumbers while shopping the aisles of my local grocer.”
“Fun activities with food allow for sensuality and creativity,” says DiAnna Ritola, sex and intimacy coach. “This also promotes a connection on a heart level because both partners are engaging in new areas of the brain when exploring new ground.”
There’s no harm in getting jiggy with a juicer, either, although, if you’re trying to get your partner hard, coming up with something soft may be counterproductive. One woman, admitting she thought you were supposed to peel the banana first, turned into a smoothie addict.
And don’t put them in places designed to push foods out, since your posterior doesn’t know what to do when you start “pushing said foods in.”
Anything can happen in the world of organic masturbation. Following a few rules might be in order, especially if this is the first time. Don’t peel the banana, for one thing. Don’t peel the cucumber or zucchini, either. And don’t put them in places designed to push foods out. Your posterior doesn’t know what to do when you start “pushing said foods in.”
The Urban Dictionary refers to this as “anal confusion,” where the ass decides to give up working altogether. This is known as “constipation,” and there might be Neolithic cave paintings of that. A woman can be seen sitting on a rock with a hole in it. This was later called a wheel.
On the more practical side of things, resorting to a banana or cucumber is a good alternative if you’re vibrator goes dead. “Fruits are a nice snack when you’re done, too,” my friend pointed out. “I’ve had girlfriends who’ve ended up with a fruit salad inside…then menstruated out a cherry pit. Lol.”
She also admitted to practising oral sex with bananas to prevent gag reflex. This was confirmed by another friend who said she hasn’t gagged on a banana since she was fifteen.
It’s certainly possible we’re more creative sexually than our ancestors, or maybe we’ve just got too many perishables lying around.
Such is the destiny of some fruits and vegetables, especially the G-spot cucumber which doesn’t stand a hope in hell of being eaten (or at least not until later). It’s certainly possible we’re more creative sexually than our ancestors, or maybe we’ve just got too many perishables lying around. This is “the age of plenty” afterall.
A National Survey found that 43.9 percent of men and 35.2 percent of women admitted to using organic masturbation, a good indication that we’re far more adventurous sexually than our ancestors — or Neanderthals.
With this in mind, if you’re going to try organic masturbation, there are a few things you should know before you go all jiggy with a jalapeno. Here’s a list to keep in the bedside table — or on the refrigerator door:
Wash all fruits and vegetables: Even if you’re putting a condom over the banana or cucumber, they’ve all been sprayed with chemicals you don’t even want to know about. Rinse, pat dry, then roll on the condom, making sure your hands are clean. A woman’s vagina isn’t a chemical dump.
If you find one with a hole in it, choose another. The guy might be coming back with flowers.
Most unsafe time is before you buy fruits and vegetables: If you can’t wait until you get home to try organic masturbation, at least wait until you’re in the car. Nobody needs to see that — including the fruit or veggie.
Watch those melons: Men have been known to screw honeydews and cantaloupes. If you find one with a hole in it, choose another. The guy might be coming back with flowers.
Don’t peel until later: Your heart may be mush over some guy, but fruits and veggies aren’t so romantically inclined. They just turn to mush, and unless you’re into mush, you’re looking at a mess — both inside and out.
If your girlfriend prefers the banana: Anything can happen in the name of love or organic masturbation. If you don’t want to lose your girlfriend to a banana, choose one that’s smaller than your penis — or at least overripe.
Avoid things that sting: Anything that may sting sensitive tissues or open cuts should be avoided at all costs. This includes vinegar, hot sauce, citrus juice, salty foods—and ants.
Stay away from meats: Guys may have experimented with liver when they were young, but that was before we found out all meats contain chemical preservatives. Besides, meat is bloody expensive.
Far be it to tell you what you can do with a zucchini that already looks like it has a moustache and a come-hither smile.
Many of the points mentioned have been discussed in greater detail online and the occasional natural food store. Farmers of America don’t endorse this article, but it’s a free country. Far be it for them to tell you what you can do with a zucchini that looks like it has a moustache and a come-hither smile.
Now go make a fruit salad. Where it goes is nobody’s business.
Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.