Crazy Little Thing Called Fart Love.

How do you know if your partner’s into it or not?

Photo by MAX LIBERTINE on Unsplash

The average subway car on a Monday morning is an eproctophile’s dream.

Well, “embracing” might be an odd word to describe what comes out of the butthole, but to each his/her own, as they say. If “crop dusting” is your sport, you don’t have to go far to get a daily dose of erotic smells. The average subway car on a Monday morning is an eproctophile’s dream.

Can admitting you love farts be enough to force an admission out of your date?

Nothing overcomes embarrassment like a good “methane supply merchant” line. But let’s look at this from an eproctophile’s perspective. What if you’re a fart lover? What if you want to know if the feeling’s mutual? Can admitting you love farts be enough to force an admission out of your date?

For all you know, their only experience is with “queefing” (vagina farts), which is a long way from a full-on burrito surprise.

That doesn’t necessarily make them eproctophiles. Sure, they appreciate you not waving a newspaper around when they fluff accidentally. On the other hand, suggesting they sit on your face might not go over very well. For all you know, their only experience is with “queefing” (vagina farts), which is a long way from a full-on burrito surprise.

  1. I Haven’t Showered Yet: They never shut up about it.
  2. Every Night Is Burrito Night: Hell, they snack on Brussels sprouts in bed.
  3. Is She Even Listening?: What do you care? She’s thinking about farts as much as you are.
  4. Reverse Spooners: Guess what? Two reverse spooners equals regular spooning. You can’t both be sniffing each other’s asses at the same time.
  5. Socks Go Missing: What would Christmas — or any occasion — be without giving each other 10-packs of tube socks?
  6. Favourite Movie Turn-Ons: Of course it’s the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles.
  7. Congrats, You Can Both Spell Eproctophilia.

I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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