Crazy Little Thing Called Fart Love.
“We’re here on this Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.” Kurt Vonnegut
There’s a point in every relationship when farting rules must be established. “My philosophy on dating,” Jenny McCarthy said, “is just to fart right away.” Many consider this appropriate since, as one dietician pointed out, digestion doesn’t stop for sex — or your driver’s test, for that matter.
Where it gets complicated is when flatulence, far from being a nuisance, is actually expected — and appreciated — by your partner. Then it’s known as eproctophilia, translated into layman’s terms as “lover of farts.”
While many of us see this as a freakish obsession, the true eproctophile finds smells and odors extremely erotic. Get them talking, and they sound like connoisseurs. “If she eats chocolate,” a man wrote on Reddit, “it comes out smelling sweet. A bean burrito results in an earthy, embracing smell.”
The average subway car on a Monday morning is an eproctophile’s dream.
Well, “embracing” might be an odd word to describe what comes out of the butthole, but to each his/her own, as they say. If “crop dusting” is your sport, you don’t have to go far to get a daily dose of erotic smells. The average subway car on a Monday morning is an eproctophile’s dream.
Which is all well and good if you’re into that sort of thing, but most of us aren’t. We find it embarrassing. Especially in the early stages of a relationship. It’s fine for Jenny McCarthy to rip one off on the first date. The rest of us are more concerned with good impressions. In the modern world of dating, how do farts make a good impression?
A guy on Reddit had an interesting solution. Instead of getting all worked up about it, why not try a more creative approach? “Just sit him down,” he suggested, “and say, I’m employed by BP on a part-time basis as a freelance methane supply merchant and I mainly work undercover.”
Can admitting you love farts be enough to force an admission out of your date?
Nothing overcomes embarrassment like a good “methane supply merchant” line. But let’s look at this from an eproctophile’s perspective. What if you’re a fart lover? What if you want to know if the feeling’s mutual? Can admitting you love farts be enough to force an admission out of your date?
First of all, we’re talking weird science here. Like any paraphilia, deriving sexual pleasure from smells probably goes back to childhood. Chances are, your brother’s Dutch Oven gave you more wood than a Playboy centrefold.
A participant in a recent study claimed he was turned on by flatulence at the tender age of ten. “I’m a heterosexual,” he said, “but I guess I’m bisexual when it comes to farts. One time my buddy and I made a bet where the loser had to endure close-up farts for a week. I lost, of course. Never been happier.”
There’s an eproctophile for you, what scientists describe as someone with recurring intense sexual urges involving flatulence. If your fantasies revolve around gaseous relationships, there’s always someone out there with worse digestion than you.
For all you know, their only experience is with “queefing” (vagina farts), which is a long way from a full-on burrito surprise.
That doesn’t necessarily make them eproctophiles. Sure, they appreciate you not waving a newspaper around when they fluff accidentally. On the other hand, suggesting they sit on your face might not go over very well. For all you know, their only experience is with “queefing” (vagina farts), which is a long way from a full-on burrito surprise.
So, how do you know if your date is into fart love or not? Speaking as someone who isn’t an eproctophile (and only learned the term recently), I’ve assembled what I hope are ways to spot these flatulence fanatics. From there, you can decide whether you’re into it or not. Here goes:
1) Using Air Freshener: If your date keeps rushing into the washroom right after you, pull out a can of air freshener. A fart lover will either rip your arm off or cower like a vampire.
2) I Haven’t Showered Yet: Tell your date you just ran a 20k marathon and still haven’t showered. Then go to the washroom. If your gym bag is gone when you come back—and the fart lover with it—bingo. Fortunately, they’ll return when they realize your gym bag has your clean clothes.
3) Every Night Is Burrito Night: Feeding you gaseous foods on a regular basis is a sure sign you’re dealing with a fart lover. Saying you’ve got Bean-O is like giving someone a hand job with rubber gloves. Nothing dampens a fart lover’s spirit like Bean-0 or ordering the cucumber salad. You’re no fun at all.
4) Is He Even Listening?: If your date seems distracted, it isn’t boredom. The sheer volume of farts they want to sniff is the equivalent of a normal person standing in a bakery.
5) Reverse Spooners: Everyone likes spooning, right? Where it gets weird is when you start feeling their breath on your ass and their feet around your ears.
6) Socks Go Missing: Eproctophiles won’t think twice about stealing your socks, panties or sports bras. They even get their heads stuck in laundry hampers.
7) Favourite Movie Turn-Ons: The campfire scene from Blazing Saddles.
8) They Can Actually Spell Eproctophilia.
Now, for all you eproctophiles out there, here are five ways to tell if someone’s into fart loving as much as you:
- Air Fresheners: Non-existent.
- I Haven’t Showered Yet: They never shut up about it.
- Every Night Is Burrito Night: Hell, they snack on Brussels sprouts in bed.
- Is She Even Listening?: What do you care? She’s thinking about farts as much as you are.
- Reverse Spooners: Guess what? Two reverse spooners equals regular spooning. You can’t both be sniffing each other’s asses at the same time.
- Socks Go Missing: What would Christmas — or any occasion — be without giving each other 10-packs of tube socks?
- Favourite Movie Turn-Ons: Of course it’s the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles.
- Congrats, You Can Both Spell Eproctophilia.
Anything you’d like to add — from either side of the aisle — should be directed at OKCupid or other dating sites. Again, I’m not a fart lover, and I take my Bean-O very seriously. What I can’t douse with a good anti-gas medication can come out in the privacy of my car or the backyard.
I’m not a player, in other words. I can’t even stand opening the laundry hamper.
Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.