Dating Advice: Motorcycles Can Replace Vibrators.

Like with men, it’s the quality of the motion rather than the machinery you put between your legs.

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Courtesy of Dreamstime

“I only ride thumpers so this [orgasm] happened twice while I gave a friend a ride home.” perma-link, reddit

When Brian Wilson wrote “Good Vibrations,” I doubt he was thinking of women riding thumpers or Harley SuperLows. Even so, the lyric “I don’t know where but she sends me there” does sum up what bikes are doing for — or to — a lot of women these days.

Many have rejected horseback or the washing machine spin cycle in favour of a large capacity single-cylinder 4-stroke thumper (or 883 ccs between your legs if you really want to cream your leathers).

I’m not trying to be sensationalistic here. There’s a whole exchange on reddit dedicated to the art of vibrating yourself into oblivion (or at least to some place selling Frog Dogs and beer).

They even have a joke about two French nuns riding their bikes down a back alley to Notre Dame. “I’ve never come this way before,” one nun says and the other replies, “It’s the cobblestones.”

That’s not to say they’re all “getting off” on their bikes, but fifteen percent openly admitted to feeling some “sexual surge” from riding — the highest number being in the GenX and GenY age groups.

Taking your motorcycle for a “love embrace” seems to be the new form of eroticism these days. According to the Motorcycle Industry Council (a not-for-profit trade group), fourteen percent of the 9.2 million motorcycle owners in the U.S. are women — more than double the number in 2003.

That’s not to say they’re all “getting off” on their bikes, but fifteen percent openly admitted to feeling some “sexual surge” from riding — the highest percentage being in the GenX and GenY age groups.

Whatever your age—or sexual need—there are differing views on just how you “get off.” As one woman explained, “Different engines produce different vibration patterns,” which makes sense. Not every motorcycle will do the job (although Harley riders do refer to their bikes as Orgasm Factories).

It might be that “bigger is better,” although, like with men, you don’t want to feel like you’re being used as a pole vault mount. That’s the great thing about motorcycles. There’s a shape and size for every woman’s taste. Some girls are perfectly satisfied with 2-stroke pingers. Others won’t climax until they’ve got a full 1200 ccs between them and the road.

Women bikers agree, it’s the quality of the motion rather than the machinery you put between your legs. What works for some doesn’t work for others. That said, most agree, if you want an orgasm, motorcycles are a fun way to have one whether you’re driving or sitting on the “bitch seat.”

Some women prefer sitting on the back, saying they’re more focused on the orgasm itself. “I can’t really concentrate on two things at once,” one woman said. “Either I’m watching the road or orgasming. Being on the back lets me do that — although my boyfriend isn’t crazy about me screaming in his ear.”

“I used to ride with a walnut on my seat,” another woman admitted. “It works just as well as a VibeRider.” This brought a host of responses, many wondering how much vibration a woman really needs?

“What the hell is a VibeRider?” someone responded, which sent me to the internet, searching out this accessory advertised as “Miles of Smiles.”

If you see a woman in a state of nirvana every time her boyfriend revs the engine, it’s possible she’s sitting on a VibeRider — or a walnut.

The website claims they’ve been “putting the vibration where it counts since 1999,” a long time considering it’s no bigger than an Zippo lighter. What makes this pulsating gizmo unique is that it fits discreetly into the bitch seat and operates simultaneously with the RPMs of your engine.

If you see a woman in a state of nirvana every time her boyfriend revs up, it’s possible she’s sitting on a VibeRider — or a walnut.

In any case, women aren’t taking a back seat — or bitch seat — when it comes to orgasms. Even the little two-stroke Vespa is having its day. In Europe, advertising for Vespas is now directed more at women. It’s all very sexy stuff, some with the model’s leather jacket unzipped down to her navel.

That may attract both sexes, but the implication is clear: Sex and Vespas go hand in hand. Many women are attracted to the automatic transmission, allowing them to wear sexy outfits. “Shifting is a bitch in stilettos,” one woman said. When asked if she’d ever orgasmed, she said anything’s possible.

“Some women do,” she went on, adding that the step-through frame is good if you’re wearing thin dresses or no panties.

For those willing to give it try, there are things you need to know about orgasming your way into the stratosphere—or Burger King. You can’t expect your bike to do all the work (sort of like men). You have to want an orgasm. If it means wearing something thin, you have to be ready to make that sacrifice. Otherwise, a motorcycle is just a big vibrator with no place to go.

Then again, maybe you’re more of a multi-tasker. Maybe you like to get a few things done while you’re orgasming.

So think carefully about why you want a motorcycle. If it’s the freedom of the open road, that’s one thing. If it’s shrieking like a howler monkey at stoplights, while sixteen-wheelers try to get around you, that’s something else again.

It also depends on how bad you need an orgasm. Motorcycles can certainly bring you to climax — but so can washing machines, Jacuzzis and, well, vibrators. None of these are as expensive as a motorcycle (big ones, anyway). Then again, maybe you’re more of a multi-tasker. Maybe you like getting a few things done while you’re orgasming.

At least a washing machine lets you get a few loads of laundry out of the way while you “get off.” Then again, a motorcycle is an economical way to get from point A to point B while “getting off.”

It’s nice to know you have options. Some are pretty loud options, but certainly options just the same.

Robert Cormack is a freelance copywriter, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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