Dating Advice: Stop With the Bikini Shots, Guys (It Looks A Little Weenie).

Courtesy of YouTube (Southern Comfort)

“If I could, baby, I’d give you my world, how can I when you won’t take it from me?” Lindsey Buckingham, Fleetwood Mac

I’m not suggesting you’re a weenie for having a bikini picture. I’m saying you’re a weenie for posting it on a dating profile. Very few men look good in bikini briefs or a Speedo. You’re not one of them. Neither am I. We look like two links of blood sausages standing on end (about as appetizing as haggis).

I mean, I get why women post bikini shots on dating sites. If you believe WhatsYourPrice.com, they get ten times more responses. One woman claimed her phone never stopped ringing (numbers below). Unfortunately, responses can be deceptive—even rude. She reposted a few weeks later, saying, “I removed most of the bikini pictures because I got tired of ‘preachers.’”

“I’m a whole lot more than just that,” she continued. “I’m tall, strong and capable…I would really like to meet someone who cares more about those things than a bikini picture.”

Now, I suppose she could avoid those “preachers” by removing her bikini shots altogether but, as she says, “I wear bikinis all the time at the cottage. I have lots of them, so that is not a problem.”

In any case, we’re not here to talk about women. They’re going to post bikini shots whether we like them or not (most of us like them, by the way). It’s the men I’m worried about. Something is wrong when a man posts a bikini shot and expects his phone to start ringing off the hook. There’s no evidence this should — or will — happen unless he’s built like Michael Phelps.

These selfies — and most are selfies — aren’t the turn-ons guys imagine. According to Zoosk research, they reduce your popularity by a whopping 43 percent. And while a woman will get four percent more messages with a “dressed-down selfie,” men get eight percent fewer.

“I’d be turned off unless the guy made it into a joke by wearing one of those horse-head masks,” one woman quipped, “or dressed in a striped leotard with a big moustache like an old-timey circus strongman.”

Another woman said, “We all know men breathe through their nipples.”

A man on reddit pointed out that he didn’t get any responses with the “nice guy looking nice” photos. It wasn’t until he posted some “douchey” shots that he found his Inbox full. Numerous comments ensued, my favorite being: “If you’ve got the body, I see nothing wrong. It’s the nutters with bigger breasts than me. I’m scared to check my messages during lunch.”

That’s obviously the dividing line. If you’ve got it, flaunt it, if you don’t, you’re a “weenie in a bikini.” Call it your swimming gear or your wrestling get-up, you’re still a weenie. Same goes if you’ve got bigger breasts than some women. We just can’t handle man breasts. We want them where they belong — in a “Bro”, like Kramer and Frank Costanza created on Seinfeld.

Have you seen the fat guy on YouTube dancing in a Speedo? Pools and beaches attract all kinds, just as dating sites attract all kinds. Weenies in bikinis will always be with us, but if you don’t want to attract more manatee than women, check the list below. See if you’re a buff boy or a weenie:

Can You Pinch An Inch?: That’s the rule of BMI (body mass index), guys. If it’s more than an inch, forget bikini briefs or Speedos. Consider a striped leotard like the woman suggested earlier — or the horse-head mask (like in Eyes Wide Shut). The other option is to start dating manatees.

Buff Isn’t Always Enough: Even if you’re solid and look good in a mirror, the camera adds ten pounds. A Speedo simply divides that ten pounds between your stomach and your thighs. If you can hold up two links of blood sausage and see your twin in the mirror, ditch the Speedo and put on something Hawaiian.

Hawaiians Have The Right Idea: Hawaiians are very modest people. When the men realize their physiques have become, shall we say, ample, they switch to baggy shorts (usually around the time they reach puberty).

Color Won’t Help: A bright turquoise bikini may make a woman look hot, but it’s the opposite with guys. All you’re doing is accentuating what’s going to topple over your waistband once you exhale (the guy in the Southern Comfort commercial didn’t exhale for twenty minutes — but that’s what Southern Comfort does to people).

Vacation Pictures Are Okay: There’s nothing wrong with a shot of you and your buddies in Speedos — as long as you’re not cuddling.

Douchey Is As Douchey Does: You may get more responses with a “douchey” shot, but you’re essentially trawling for one-nighters. If you want something more serious, stick to full shots, maybe holding a kitten or a small dog. Holding a kitten or a small dog in a Speedo or bikini briefs still won’t excite women (although it might excite a small dog).

If you have anything to add, please don’t contact me directly. I’m trying to avoid weenies, especially bikini-clad weenies. Send comments or complaints to okcupid.com or whatsyourprice.com. I’m sure they’ll be interested in your pictures entitled “Who Couldn’t Love This Bundle Of Man Meat?”

It might even end up in a post called: “Do Men Suffer Feelings of Grandeur More Than Women? Or Are They Both Hophead Mirror Addicts?”

Robert Cormack is a freelance copywriter, novelist, children’s author and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.