Dating Advice: Stop With the Speedo Shots, Guys.

It looks pretty weenie, unless you make a joke of it and include a horse-head mask.

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Courtesy of YouTube (Southern Comfort commercial)

“It’s not vanity to feel you have a right to be beautiful.” Elle MacPherson

I’m not suggesting you’re a weenie for having a bikini picture. I’m saying you’re a weenie for posting it on a dating profile. Few men look good in a Speedo. You’re not one of them. Neither am I. We look like two links of a blood sausage standing on end.

I understand why women post bikini shots on dating sites. If you believe WhatsYourPrice.com, they get ten times more responses. One woman claimed her phone never stopped ringing (numbers below). Unfortunately, responses can be deceptive — even rude. She reposted a few weeks later, saying, “I removed most of the bikini pictures because I got tired of ‘preachers.’”

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“I’m a whole lot more than just that,” she continued. “I’m tall, strong and capable…I would really like to meet someone who cares more about those things than a bikini picture.”

Now, I suppose she could avoid those “preachers” by removing her bikini shots altogether but, as she says, “I wear bikinis all the time at the cottage. I have lots of them, so that is not a problem.”

Okay, we’re not here to judge women. They’re going to post bikini shots whether we like them or not (most of us like them, by the way). It’s the men I’m worried about. Something is wrong when a man posts a Speedo shot and expects his phone to start ringing off the hook. There’s no evidence this will happen—unless he’s built like Michael Phelps. Most of us are built like Michael Phelps’ gym bag.

“We all know men breathe through their nipples.”

“I’d be turned off unless the guy made it into a joke by wearing one of those horse-head masks,” one woman quipped, “or dressed in a striped leotard with a big moustache like an old-timey circus strongman.”

Another woman said, “We all know men breathe through their nipples.”

A man on reddit pointed out that he didn’t get any responses with the “nice guy looking nice” photos. It wasn’t until he posted some “douchey” shots that he found his Inbox full. Numerous comments ensued, my favorite being: “If you’ve got the body, I see nothing wrong. It’s the nutters with bigger breasts than me. I’m scared to check my messages during lunch.”

We just can’t handle man breasts. We want them where they belong — in a “Bro”, like Kramer and Frank Costanza created on Seinfeld.

Have you seen the fat guy on YouTube dancing in a Speedo? Pools and beaches attract all kinds, just as dating sites attract all kinds. Weenies in bikinis will always be with us, but if you don’t want to attract more manatee than women, check the list below. See if you’re a buff boy or a weenie:

Can You Pinch An Inch?: That’s the rule of BMI (body mass index), guys. If it’s more than an inch, forget bikini briefs or Speedos. Consider a striped leotard like the woman suggested earlier — or the horse-head mask (like in Eyes Wide Shut). The other option is to start dating manatees.

Buff Isn’t Always Enough: Even if you’re solid and look good in a mirror, the camera adds ten pounds. A Speedo simply divides that ten pounds between your stomach and your thighs. If you can hold up two links of blood sausage and see your twin in the mirror, ditch the Speedo and put on something Hawaiian.

Hawaiians Have The Right Idea: Hawaiians are very modest people. When the men realize their physiques have become, shall we say, ample, they switch to baggy shorts (usually around the time they reach puberty).

Color Won’t Help: A bright turquoise bikini may make a woman look hot, but it’s the opposite with guys. All you’re doing is accentuating what’s going to topple over your waistband once you exhale (the guy in the Southern Comfort commercial didn’t exhale for twenty minutes — but that’s what Southern Comfort does to people).

Vacation Pictures Are Okay: There’s nothing wrong with a shot of you and your buddies in Speedos — as long as you’re not cuddling.

Douchey Is As Douchey Does: You may get more responses with a “douchey” shot, but you’re essentially trawling for one-nighters. If you want something more serious, stick to full shots, maybe holding a kitten or a small dog. Holding a pet in a Speedo or bikini briefs still won’t excite women (although it might excite a small dog), but at least nobody’s losing their lunch.

Hopefully, this will help reduce the number of Speedos on dating sites. If it doesn’t, at least I tried. My own Speedo, by the way, is at the bottom of an Olympic-sized swimming pool. I lost it on my first dive. I was arrested and charged with being “a weenie.” These things happen.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, children’s author and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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