Dating Advice: You’re A Value Meal.

We’re led by our appetites, whether it’s carnal or cuisine, and sometimes we can’t tell the difference.

Image for post
Image for post
Courtesy of Dreamstime

If a guy wants you for your breasts, thighs and legs, send him to KFC.” Nicolas Cage

Remember Newman on Seinfeld, looking at Kramer when he gets a bad sun burn. All Newman sees is a roast chicken with Kramer’s head. The fact that Kramer slathered himself with butter for the burn and then fell into a vat of breadcrumbs didn’t help.

As comical as it sounds, it shows how food and relationships have become synonymous. We’re led by our appetites whether it’s carnal or cuisine, and sometimes, like Newman, we have a hard time telling the difference.

Not long ago, I wrote an article telling overweight men to stop wearing Speedos. I described these men as looking like links between two sausages, which had one woman flaming through the nostrils.

“C’mon,” she wrote me, “we freaking celebrate overweight women (oops, sorry, “curvy women”) in bikini shots all over the freaking web, and you’re gonna tell me we can’t do the same with men?”

She had friends who would literally “drool” over that guy in the Southern Comfort commercial (the one with his gut hanging over his Speedo). “Sorry if you can’t handle it,” she continued,” but that’s your judgment call, not theirs. Get over it, sweetheart.”

And who wants a model, anyway? It’s like gnawing on an overdone Cornish hen.

Drooling seems to be the operative word here. We all drool. Sometimes we trust our saliva glands more than our brains. We eat and date according to what makes us feel good (or hungry) at the time.

For instance, men may drool over models, but models are like those gourmet meals with a medallion of duck, three caramelized carrots and a sprig of coriander. Who doesn’t go home afterwards and make a sandwich? And who wants a model, anyway? It’s like gnawing on a Cornish hen.

Remember as a child your mother asking “How hungry are you?” The same goes with dating today. It’s one thing to say you just want a salad, but what you really want is a pepperoni pizza or a KFC Value Bucket.

Since men look at Playmates a lot more than models, it seems logical they’re looking for fuller figures — just like they’re looking for fuller stomachs.

Even Playmates get hungry, and they don’t stop at lettuce and asparagus tips. The average Playmate’s bust, waist and hip measurement is 35–23–34. That makes them 36% more curvy than a typical fashion model.

In foodie terms — or just eating terms — you’re getting a lot more on your plate with a Playmate than you would with a fashion model.

Since men spend more time looking at Playmates more than models, it seems logical they’re looking for fuller figures — just like they’re looking for fuller stomachs.

We don’t want to get up from the table (or bed) expecting to be hungry two hours later.

So why do we have super skinny models in the first place? One writer with Psychology Today said that catlike forms, while appearing elegant, actually take our attention away from the body itself, drawing us to the dress. We forget that only one in twenty women can fit into that dress and, once the show is over, everyone heads to a restaurant. By the time the evening’s over, only one in forty women can fit into that designer’s dress.

As much as we’d like having an Angelina Jolie on our arm, it doesn’t satisfy our appetite in real life. The Kardashians play more to our sense of consumption, meaning it’s the difference between gnawing and stuffing.

We don’t want to get up from the table (or bed) expecting to be hungry two hours later.

This was confirmed in a study called The Evolution of Desire, by David M Buss. According to the results, men preferred women who were 10–15 pounds heavier than what the women believe men want.

Women feel the same way about men. As one woman wrote on Quora, “If I met a really muscular hot model guy, yes, I’d sleep with him based on his looks…and maybe film it LOL! but I’m more attracted to bigger men (I feel skinnier and sexier next to them).”

Another woman felt it was hard to generalize because personality is far more important. “But if I’m sticking to the subject,” she said, “I want a guy who’s tall enough to find the best exit after a ball game.”

We’re all hungry. If we weren’t hungry, we wouldn’t be dating.

Size matters, in other words. Women don’t mind a little hanging over the beltline. It’s like that prime rib of beef dangling over your plate. We know it’s a lot of meat. Then again, sometimes our stomachs overrule our brains.

Dating and eating share the same need. We want what satisfies us most, even it means overindulging. Think of dating like a Wendy’s menu. The avocado salad looks good, but so does the Bacon Queso Cheeseburger. What do we do? We order both. Dating is handled pretty much the same way.

“Who wants to hang onto ribs? Next thing you know, you want ribs.”

“I don’t mind skinny guys,” one woman wrote on reddit, “but I’m not skinny. What if I get fat and he stays skinny? People are going to wonder, Is he a chubby chaser, or am I sitting on him at night?” Better to have that Southern Comfort guy. Of course you’re going to be sitting on him.

“Most of the men I know like big girls,” another woman wrote. “I’m a size 16 and I don’t have any trouble getting dates. Men want something to hang on to. Who wants to hang on to ribs? Next thing you know, you want ribs.”

It all comes back to eating. You may think men are staring at your breasts, thighs and legs. What they’re really staring at is a Value Meal. And you women are just as bad. You want a Value Bucket with all the trimmings.

Maybe the woman above is right. Who wants to hang on to ribs? Not most men — and certainly not most women. Too bad KFC doesn’t have ribs. Swiss Chalet does. Again, just like dating, what you don’t find on one dating site (or menu), you can always find on another.

At least Nicolas Cage was right sending you to KFC. That way you get breasts, thighs and legs. Food or sex, that’s all that matters.

Robert Cormack is a freelance copywriter, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

Written by

I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store