Dating Dogs.

Legal or not, we have to set our own standards where pets are concerned. We also have to watch our peanut butter.

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Courtesy of Dreamstime

“Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world,” Cat Stevens

Some news is too weird to leave to the tabloids. It requires hard, straight reportage from responsible publications like The Independent, which wrote the following last week: “Canada Legalizes Sex with Animals. What An Evil Wicked Generation Full of The Devil And On the Road to Hell.”

This came out after seven of eight Canadian Supreme Court judges ruled that sex between people and animals was legal as long as no penetration was involved. I should mention that no dog, cat or hamster was represented. I’d call that a kangaroo court except no kangaroos were represented, either.

“Acts with animals that have a sexual purpose are inherently exploitative,” she stated, “whether or not penetration occurs.”

The case at issue involved a British Columbia man, identified as “DLW,” who was convicted on 13 counts of sexually assaulting his stepdaughters — but not bestiality. Seems he only smeared peanut butter on the genitals of his victims and had the family dog lick it off while he (DLW) videotaped.

The lone dissenter in the verdict, Justice Rosalie Abella, didn’t think penetration needed to be essential. “Acts with animals that have a sexual purpose are inherently exploitative,” she stated, “whether or not penetration occurs.”

This is certainly true, although she might have mentioned that the dog showed more restraint than the people. It stuck with the peanut butter.

Which makes me wonder what would have happened if penetration had occurred. Was the dog guilty or the owner? Were the stepdaughters active participants, or does “No mean no,” even when a dog is fired up on nut protein and can’t make responsible decisions?

If a charge of bestiality requires penetration, that’s a lot more leeway than I’d get in court.

Dogs are jittery at the best of times — and who can blame them? Ownership is still nine-tenths of the law, and dogs know they’re owned. One mistake and they’re off to the pound. Most dogs understand this. The few that don’t are probably in the pound already.

I’m still in a quandary over this Supreme Court decision, though. Isn’t spreading peanut butter on your genitals a form of sexual enticement? I mean, I wouldn’t know when to stop, and my IQ is higher than most dogs — except Australian Sheepdogs, and they’ve never faced a single sex charge yet.

I’m wondering if the Canadian Supreme Court is playing favourites here. If a charge of bestiality requires penetration, that’s a lot more leeway than I’d get in a court of law. I can be charged for just looking at a woman the wrong way. What dog has ever been charged with lewd behavior? They have lewd thoughts all the time. That’s why they’re called dogs.

If you ask me, they’re getting off easy. Nobody’s telling them they’re a “wicked generation filled with the devil and on the road to hell.” They can go on their merry, tail-wagging way while we have to watch ourselves at every turn.

If a charge of bestiality requires penetration, that’s a lot more leeway than I’d get in court.

This whole notion of penetration is a bit of an anomaly, too. On one hand, it suggests a dog isn’t kinky until he whips it out. On the other, it suggests a dog isn’t smart enough to whip it out. If we whip it out, we’re arrested on the spot. This has been proven in playgrounds and parks across the country. It’s called indecent exposure — something dogs do all the time, by the way.

And if I said, “That animal just whipped it out and plans to commit an indecent act,” I’d be laughed at, mocked, or even arrested for animal cruelty (words can hurt more than fists, even if you don’t know words).

If something happens, you have no one to blame but yourself — and Jiffy for making such delicious peanut butter.

It’s a tricky situation, which is why I’ve gathered together some helpful hints on those nights when you have a jar of peanut butter, a dog and anything by Marvin Gaye. Let’s just say you’re on a rocky road if you intend to use all three at the same time.

Dogs Love Peanut Butter: Sticking peanut butter on your genitals is definitely a form of enticement. If something happens, you have no one to blame but yourself — and Jiffy for making such delicious peanut butter.

“Lets Get It On”: You might swoon over Marvin Gaye, but when a dog hears “Come on, baby,” it’s either time for a walk or food’s going in the bowl.

Road to Hell: Well, we’re all on that road one way or another. Thinking you can trade peanut butter for sex just gets you there a lot faster.

What’s Wrong With Spooning?: Sex isn’t the be all and end all. Spooning can be just as enjoyable and comforting. Dogs love to spoon. Put some peanut butter on a spoon and they love it (and you) even more.

If you have anything to add (or complain about) direct your comments to The Independent or The Supreme Court of Canada. I stand by my comments, especially the part about Jiffy making delicious peanut butter.

Robert Cormack is a freelance copywriter, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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