Dealing With Online Jerks.

The first thing you have to do is stop throwing out all that digital musk.

I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.” Dorothy Parker

It has come to my attention that women these days are more worried about online jerks than sexually transmitted diseases, while men, especially jerks, are more worried about beer going flat.

What is it about online dating that draws jerks like flies to wildebeests? Most wildebeests throw off a powerful musk. Women can’t be throwing off powerful musk—at least not over the internet. Could words or selfies be the new digital musk? Whatever it is, jerks are drawn to it like, well, flies to a wildebeest.

If only there was a spray you could use to keep jerks at bay. I’d suggest calling it “Jerk Off,” but you might be sending the wrong message.

If that’s all it would take, though, imagine “One spray and you’re free from jerks all day.” No more creepy messages. No more asking for pictures of you in your undies.

You’ll be free to date normal guys, guys with nothing to prove but their integrity, honesty and devastating good looks. If those guys have eluded you, it’s probably because jerks keep filling your inbox with “Hi there,” and “What’s happenin’, babe.” A little Jerk Off will send them packing.

Scientists are currently developing a repellent that appears to be effective against most jerks. It’s completely natural, good for the environment, and can be applied in spray or lotion form. The active ingredient is flat beer.

Since flat beer doesn’t sound like much of a deterrent, marketers will be using the acronym: barleyhopsyeast. Combining ingredients into one word is used all the time in the pharmaceutical field. The FDA lets these words pass, since they can’t pronounce them, and what they can’t pronounce, they usually approve. Anything jerks can’t pronounce makes them watch football.

This repellent still has a few hiccups, mostly hiccups, so until scientists straighten them out, there are other ways you can repel online jerks that could be just as effective as Jerk Off.

They’re called witty retorts and, like barleyhopsyeast, they’re completely natural and available free with this article — or free by using a little creativity combined with invective and surliness.

Dorothy Parker, for instance, gave a great witty retort when asked why she didn’t have children. “It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”

That’s not to say you have to be as witty as Dorothy Parker. One woman had a jerk online who kept saying he wanted her body. She responded with: “Settle the fuck down.”

Jerks are insecure by nature, and generally stupid, so it doesn’t take much to leave them nonplussed. Whether you go for the straightforward approach like the one above, or get a little more witty like Dorothy Parker, the end result will be fewer jerks and, possibly, more smart guys who appreciate a good retort. Who wouldn’t admire the heck out of you writing something like: “I’m fucking busy, and vice versa”? (Parker said this to her editor).

So let’s take the example of the jerk asking you for hot pictures of yourself. Rather than say, “I really don’t appreciate being asked for pictures of me in my undies,” here are six effective ways you can turn off his “hot light.”

“I was about to send you naked pictures, then I started wondering if you’re the nipple-grabbing, toe-sucking whore my mother always warned me about.”

“Playboy paid me $250,000 for my last set of photographs. Send me a similar amount (money order or gold), and I’ll happily pass the pictures along.”

“All of my hot pictures are currently with law enforcement. They’ll be returned when I finish my 20 year stretch for killing a jerk and serving his testicles with fava beans.”

“I decided to send you a virus instead. Oh, gosh, did you open the file first?”

“Aren’t your pants far enough down your legs already?”

“Since you probably still live at home, I’ve sent the pictures to your mother. She’ll give them to you when you grow up and get the fuck out of the basement.”

Now obviously not all jerks respond to witticisms (or even understand them), so you might be throwing pearls before swine — or pearl necklaces before swine. In either case, stronger measures might be required.

This is when you own up, admitting the pictures on your profile are twenty years old, then send a screen grab of the woman going to the washroom in the meat section at Walmart (it’s available on YouTube). Tell him you’ve also got shots doing the same thing in other discount venues, along with a few in your neighbor’s back yard.

Meanwhile, let’s hope the scientists iron out the hiccups with barleyhopsyeast soon, hopefully with a better name than Jerk Off. Once it hits the market, you’ll be able to spot jerks holding handkerchiefs to their faces.

Until then, try a few witty retorts, even if it’s just “Settle the fuck down.” Jerks hate being told to “settle the fuck down.” Their mothers probably tell them to do that all the time. It won’t get them out of their mother’s house, but it could get them off dating sites.

Once you’re rid of the jerks, you can spend your time talking to hot, honest men who love witty retorts. To them, you can always fall back on one of Dorothy Parker’s other famous lines: “The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”

Honest men like a little spunk (and a little tongue, too).

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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