Dirty Talk Makes Our Brains Go Whoopee!

Nothing gets our motor running like someone whispering in our ear, “Call me your little slut.” What you don’t want to hear is, “Where’s the Snickers?”

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Courtesy of Dreamstime

“I learned long ago not to wrestle with pigs. You get dirty, for one thing, and besides, pigs love it.” George Bernard Shaw

I’ve always figured talking during sex stops us from sounding like asthmatic sheepdogs. If we’re doing it right — giving it our all, so to speak — we should be saying something, not going “hmmm,” like we just sipped our first latte of the morning.

Sex is actually a composite of many things, each in their own way responsible for making us hounds and houndesses. According to experts, sex starts in the brain, not in the drawer with our condoms, Astrogel and Snickers.

Amplifying our horniness in the sack is a type of diddling. Brains need diddling the same way our sex organs do.

Dirty talk works on two areas of our hypothalamus known as the preoptic and superchiasmatic regions. These are really big words for what amounts to sex megaphones.

Amplifying our horniness in the sack is a type of diddling. Brains need diddling the same way our sex organs do. The only difference is how we diddle, and that brings us to the difference between men and women.

You can’t assume we all want the same kind of dirty talk. It’s actually a psychological and physiological thing that has to do with, well, size.

Size is everything where the brain is concerned. Men, for instance, have a preoptic area that’s two times larger than women. This means more testosterone is doing a jitterbug each time the topic of sex comes up.

Because it starts in the brain, men are turned on faster than women. If you want to turn your man on early — especially if he’s eyeing the Snickers and not you — talking dirty is what’s known in scientific circles as “necessary.”

That’s all well and good if you’re trying to please your man — but is that what’s going to please you? Is dirty talk as good for women as it is for men?

“People very much enjoy dirty talking because it activates all regions of your brain while your body is getting stimulated,” Daryl Cioffi, a specialist in couples, relationships, sex and neuropsychology, remarked. “Similar areas of the brain are touched upon during dirty talk as when we curse. So, very often as your brain sees it, the dirtier the better.”

That’s all well and good if you’re trying to please your man — but is that what’s going to please you? Is dirty talk as good for women as it is for men?

We know, for example, that many powerful women enjoy being submissive in bed. We also remember from our early dating years saying, “The quiet ones are beasts in the sack.”

Powerful or meek, there’s something that activates a woman sexually, and it’s not just your thing, because your thing comes in a variety of colours on thousands of websites.

There’s obviously something more than physical, more subliminal to sex, whether it’s words, or touching or even breathing.

Since we all breath and touch, the tipping point must be words, and it isn’t just what’s said, it’s the comfort derived from what’s said. As you loosen up, you get more sexual pleasure. That’s why really hoarse people are either smokers, sportscasters or fantastic in bed.

“This, I thought, is why adult films are always better on mute.”

Erotic dialogue, in other words, is something we do for ourselves. It helps cross that boundary from “good girl” to “bad girl” without necessarily being either. Not that it’s easy. Talking dirty takes a lot of nerve — and possibly alcohol — to overcome shyness and that creeping suspicion your partner is more interested in a Snickers.

“Isn’t that what I’m doing?” Alex wondered when her boyfriend told her to “Suck it.” Was he actually giving instruction — or being vulgar, contrived, disgusting? “This, I thought, is why adult films are always better on mute.”

We all have tolerance levels, like when someone says, “Okay, now imagine you’re a toilet and I’m going to make a deposit.” It’s the rarefied few who accepts this as a turn on. The rest of us make for the door before our partner yells “Get ready to flush!”

You can use anything from “Call me your little slut,” to “Hit me and tell me how little I’ve accomplished compared to my brother.”

“It’s only words,” the Bee Gees sang, but it’s those words that can turn us from three-minute wonders into long-lasting sexual acrobats. And don’t worry about insulting your partner. As an OkCupid study of 300,000 respondents demonstrated, both sexes (57% men, 42% women) really enjoy derogatory terms. You can use anything from “Call me your little slut,” to “Hit me and tell me how little I’ve accomplished compared to my brother.”

Now the question is, which words make the most whoopee and which don’t? Through considerable research — and a few slaps across the face — I’ve managed to boil it down to what I consider the best, the worst, and what could be called “gambling”:

“Call me your dirty little slut”: You can’t go wrong with this unless your partner says it every day. Eventually you’ll start to wonder if it’s true.

“Suck it like a big lollipop”: Just make sure she doesn’t attack your big lollipop the way she attacked big lollipops as a child.

“That’s right, I’m your dirty girl”: This works every time, except when you’ve just run a mudder race, in which case, your partner may think you want sex when all you want is a shower.

“Is that a pistol in your pants or are you just glad to see me?” Old standards still work — providing he doesn’t have a real pistol in his pants. If he does, save this line until you’re out of the restaurant or off the plane.

“You’re so hard”: Again, make sure it isn’t a real pistol.

“Imagine 20 naked people watching us”: Some partners find this exciting, others wonder if 20 naked people are watching on a spy cam.

“I’m so hot right now”: A big turn-on unless you’re in a southern state where everyone’s hot. You could just as easily be dragged off to the community pool.

Give me every inch of your dick”: We all like to think we’re endowed, but if his “inch” is singular not plural, you might want to convert to metric.

“I want to be your beast of burden:” Great line if you don’t mind having laundry strapped to your back and a birch stick smacked across your ass.

“I’m your slave, baby”: Again, you could end up with laundry strapped to your back and a birch stick smacked across your ass.

“I’m coming, I’m coming!”: Only say this if you’re actually reaching climax. Using it too soon — or too frequently — will convince your partner you don’t need sex, you need a stopwatch.

Where’s that Snickers?”: If you want to include food in your sexual activities, make sure your partner hasn’t eaten it first.

Anything you’d like to add, please notify OkCupid, not me. My dirty talk is limited to telling my dog to get off the neighbour’s lawn. “Quit squatting over there, you dirty bastard,” I scream ten times a day, which is probably what someone’s saying to their partner right now.

My advice to them? Run before you hear them say, “Get ready to flush!”

Robert Cormack is a novelist, children’s book author and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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