Don’t Expect Men To Keep Giving You Orgasms. We’re Losing Our Juice.

Low testosterone suggests it won’t be long before we’re looking up erections in the dictionary.

Image for post
Image for post
Courtesy of Dreamstime

“I demand that climax. I think every woman should.” Nicki Minaj

Women who say men aren’t “real men” anymore might be right. Men used to be loaded with testosterone. It’s what made us brand a steer or raise a flag at Iwo Jima. Now we can barely raise a beer. Our testosterone levels have shown a disastrous 30 percent decline in the last 20 years. If this keeps up, by 2030, we’ll be fighting over espadrilles at Macy’s.

As with anything that makes men, well, men, testosterone is a big part of what gives us orgasms. Without it, we’re as limp as sleeping kittens. We’ve tried watching porn and eating oysters, but oysters are expensive, and porn is considered a public health risk these days.

Perverts, on the other hand, do unspeakable things. What these unspeakable things are isn’t exactly clear, but it must be pretty bad.

The Florida legislature recently voted 71–36 in favor of banning pornography. They did this instead of banning assault weapons, which is bizarre logic even for Floridians.

It seems guns don’t turn us into perverts like porn. What guns do is make us fat. Gun owners appear to be fatter than most people, seeing as they don’t feel the need to stay in shape. If anyone threatens, they shoot them.

Florida recently got an “A” rating from the NRA. Other states may outlaw porn as well. Afterall, according to one legislator, only a few nutjobs take their guns and murder 17 students.

Perverts, on the other hand, do unspeakable things. What these unspeakable things are isn’t exactly clear, but it must be pretty bad. Florida is still getting over Pee Wee Herman exposing himself in a porn theatre.

Based on our consumption of fast foods, we should be women in 30 years.

On the other hand, being a fat, gun-toting man isn’t a threat, or at least not in the context of public safety. Personal safety is another matter. Obesity is at an all time high, with men dying at a far higher rate than women.

Diet is certainly the biggest culprit and fat, gun-toting men like to eat. But it’s also murder on our thingies, even if we’re not fat, gun-toting men.

Fast foods have a large sugar content. Big Macs have 212% more sugar than they did thirty years ago. Sugar, salt and other added ingredients actually reduce testosterone and blood flow while, in some cases, increasing estrogen. Based on our consumption of fast foods, we should be women in 30 years.

Food and sex used to be complimentary. Now women are craving food more than sex. A survey of 3,000 women recently showed that 75 percent craved amazing food over amazing sex. As women’s health expert, Lauren Steicher, MD, pointed out, “Amazing food is more of a sure thing.”

In other words, women have lost faith in men, and men have lost faith in themselves. Today, 20–30 million men experience recurring erection difficulties. One quarter are under 40, another quarter are too old to remember what an erection looks like.

You could say men limped into the 21st century more limp than any other time in history.

We really have nothing to compare this to, other than centuries of warfare and pestilence. Men held up pretty good considering. They puffed out their manly chests and did the deed. Now, with nothing more threatening than gastritis, men are going flaccid faster than a scared turtle.

Here’s the confusing part in all of this. Low testosterone isn’t necessarily based on what we ingest. In fact, it’s more what our bodies feel we don’t need. Just as we gave up our tails at one point, evolution is telling men testosterone isn’t all that important these days.

As women’s movements get more aggressive, men are getting more passive. What we think is psychological is becoming physiological as well.

We’re in a “casting off” phase, in other words since, according to the news media, testosterone causes really jerkish male behavior. The “outing” of men isn’t just telling them to change their ways, it’s telling our bodies to change as well.

In a sense, we may be slowly reversing roles. As women’s movements get more aggressive, men are getting more passive. What we think is psychological is becoming physiological as well.

Let’s not forget, women have testosterone, too. When it’s too high, the result is more facial hair, smaller breasts, increased muscle mass and a deepening of the voice. You can find these women at most #MeToo rallies. They’re the ones beating the crap out of men wearing #MeToo buttons.

Some women use testosterone gel to increase their libidos. This is strange, considering men’s libidos need the gel more than they do. Women also have more dildos. According to Britain’s Daily Star, at least 12 percent have 10 or more, and that’s not counting what they stick up their husband’s keister. You can’t bend over around women these days.

As Nicki Minaj explained, “Sometimes we even straddle each other, showing what position works best.”

No wonder men are running out of juice. Bringing in a replacement is like being pulled off the football field back in high school. At least our coaches let us dress for next practice. When your partner goes for the dildo drawer, there’s no point even suiting up.

So why are women demanding more sex? They’re even getting together for their own sex pep rallies. As Nicki Minaj explained, “Sometimes we even straddle each other, showing what position works best.”

Well, working on your technique isn’t a bad idea. And demanding sex at least shows you haven’t given up on men entirely. Trouble is, if your guy’s testosterone is low, he’s going to feel guilty. Throw in bad diet, and he might as well go mow the lawn.

There are some really nice lawns all over America and, no doubt, a lot of them owe their velvety texture to performance anxiety. Men need to get outside and work it off, which leaves women relying on “great meals.”

That’s a lot of sperm to replace, especially if your man is busy cutting the lawn or hanging out at McDonalds.

So, do we want nice lawns and good meals, or do we want sex? Keep in mind, sex isn’t just fulfilling a physical need. When asked, over 1,575 female respondents in an online quiz said that dildos and vibrators will never replace men. “You can’t wrap your arms and legs around a dildo,” one woman explained. Another said, “My vibrator isn’t going to light my cigarette afterwards.”

Let’s remember that sex is good for our mental and physical health. Fifteen minutes of brisk humping is the equivalent of running around a track four times. It’s also the most fun way to procreate. The alternative is sperm banks, and you shouldn’t put too much faith in those. Not long ago, an Ohio sperm bank burned down, destroying 3,000 samples.

Saying “I deserve great sex” may be a great rallying cry, but it isn’t going to replace a man’s testosterone. Frankly, neither is “a great meal.”

That’s a lot of sperm to replace, especially if your man is busy cutting the lawn or hanging out at McDonalds.

Testosterone may seem like a man’s problem, but it’s a woman’s problem as well. Saying “I deserve great sex” may be a great rallying cry, but it isn’t going to replace a man’s testosterone. Frankly, neither is “a great meal.”

At the end of the day, you’ll have to choose. What do you want to wrap your arms and legs around? A man or Coquilles St. Jacques?

Robert Cormack is a novelist, children’s book author and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

Written by

I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store