Have You Ever Been Bonked Deaf?

Is inner ear sex really nirvana? Or are women getting auditorily screwed?

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Courtesy of Dreamstime

That’s God’s gift to women so they don’t have to listen to their boyfriends ask, ‘How was I?’” GoofyGibbin

If we’re going to deal with this scientifically — or at least seriously — let’s remember one thing: We all experience temporary hearing loss. I lost mine during a Hendrix concert back in 1970. That’s neither here nor there. What’s important here is when it happens during sex. As one woman described it, “I feel like my body’s applauding my big 0.”

For a few it’s a blessing, others a concern. One woman said it went on for 30 or 40 minutes after orgasm. “That’s God’s gift to women,” GoofyGibbin replied, “so they don’t have to listen to their boyfriends ask, How was I?”

Good answer. In fact, it’s just as good as experts blaming it on everything from the hypothalamus to the cerebellum. Somewhere in the myriad of hormones and brain chemistry, this is probably true, but I’m no scientist — and you might be temporarily deaf from having sex— so let’s break it down into terms we can all easily understand.

If you’re bucking around (a good sign, by the way), blood will go to the muscles, too, especially if you decide to stand up — like in the shower.

During the act of sex, blood rushes to where the body needs it most. The vagina gets a bunch, so does the brain. It’s trying to manage your orgasm(s) with all sorts of oxytocin and endorphins (one creates the other, or vice versa, who can tell anymore?).

If you’re bucking around (a good sign, by the way), blood will go to the muscles, too, especially if you decide to stand up—like in the shower.

Some shower masturbators find themselves “browning out,” meaning not enough blood is going to their heads. “You’ve only got enough blood for one head,” a clinician remarked, which could explain a lot of things, including why we masturbate in the shower.

If you insist on abusing two heads, your blood is going back and forth, not knowing what’s going on. At some point, it has to get back to your brain so you at least remember to turn the shower off.

Here’s another way of looking at it. When your body is doing a bunch of things at once, it’s like a submarine attempting to conserve air. It closes down some compartments where the air isn’t needed (torpedo tubes, for instance).

The better the orgasm, the more blood you need in these areas.

Since sex doesn’t typically require hearing (I’m talking physiologically), the blood vessels constrict, allowing blood to rush to regions like your vagina or muscles. The better the orgasm, the more blood you need in these areas.

That’s a long way from your ears, obviously, and what blood stays behind, tends to be concentrated in your prefrontal cortex. This is the thinking centre, which is already trying to decide what you’re doing after sex (food, walking the dog, telling your kids you don’t scream for no reason at all).

It’s a lot like politics where some constituencies get more than others. In this case, ears get less blood, and with less, the inner ear (cochlea) can’t function the way it normally would under less strenuous circumstances.

If you’re a functioning human who’s decided to knock your 10-orgasm record on its ear, that would explain your temporary deafness. Needless to say, some take it more seriously than others, while a distinct few find milestones in bonking their partner deaf or senseless.

“Hearing? Psh,” one man blogged. “I took away my ex’s ability to walk, stand, speak, mumble, write clear notes, comprehend questions and nod/shake her head to answer various questions.”

She responded with “My hearing loses are sometimes permanent,” which seems to confirm what I thought were the guy’s exaggerations.

“I spent 8 years with a woman who wanted sex 4–5 times a day,” a guy admitted. “I might have lost hearing because she was screaming.”

There are, however, simpler explanations courtesy of Ask Men on Reddit.

“I spent 8 years with a woman who wanted sex 4–5 times a day,” a guy admitted. “I might have lost hearing because she was screaming.”

Another man said he lost hearing from oral sex.

“Her legs were too tight around your head, mate,” someone replied.

Then there’s the woman who claimed she passed out once, “but that was after orgasm #13. I had 17 that day. I’m a multiple-Oer.”

“Thank God for women like you,” a man responded.

There’s a lot to be said for being bonked deaf. Some claim it’s like having moments of nirvana. “After six or eight orgasms,” PieIntheBush said, “I typically get tunnel vision and my boyfriend’s voice sounds far away. You can’t buy that kind of peace and tranquility after sex.”

“How do you explain your boyfriend went full-on honey badger on your vagina?” the woman wrote.

Obviously, this can be taken too far. It’s no fun waking up in Emergency, as one woman did, with a nurse leaning over, asking for details of the last ten hours. “How was I supposed to tell her my boyfriend went full-on honey badger on myvagina?” the woman wrote.

“Never know,” came an answer. “She might be green with envy.”

Then again, there’s no law against bonking until you black out, or can’t hear two attendants bringing a stretcher upstairs. Nor should you feel guilty. Bodies don’t shut down on a whim. It takes a lot of chemical confusion, meaning you went where most couples never go.

You reached the pinnacle of sex. You got BONKED DEAF.

It’s not necessarily something you want on a t-shirt, but it does show a willingness to reach sexual extremes.

Besides, there’s no law saying you have to have 13 orgasms just because most of the world is faking it. That’s their problem, not yours.

Considering less than 20 percent of people have orgasms, you outdid them all. If you’re still in hospital, you might want to tell your boyfriend to lay off. He’s not earning any medals, and you might’ve stroked.

On the flip side, there’s nothing terribly unhealthy about bonked deafness, and the transient nature can usually be related to something simple and possibly innocuous.

“I lost hearing during sex,” JustAboutToCollapse wrote, “except it turned out my boyfriend had his tongue in one ear and his hand over the other. It created suction. He’s got big lips. Always a Jagger fan.”

Someone else confessed it could have been his girlfriend’s screaming.

“How fucking loud was she?” another reader commented.

“Everything readjusts itself,” he said, “usually by lying flat and getting your breathing rate down.”

“There’s no need to be overly concerned,” a clinician said, claiming this sort of deafness usually only lasts two to three minutes. “Everything readjusts itself,” he said, “usually by lying flat and getting your breathing rate down.”

Good to know if your boyfriend is calling Emergency now. “I’ll be okay in a minute,” you can explain, “as soon as I get blood back to my inner ear.”

If he faints hearing all this talk about blood, let the ambulance guys take him to Emergency. You can stay back at home, while he describes going full-on honey badger on your vagina to the ambulance responders. They hear this sort of thing all the time.

When your boyfriend calls for a ride later, tell him your hearing still isn’t perfect.

A few hours in Emergency tends to humble them completely.

“How do I know you’re my boyfriend?” you can ask, maybe working his exasperated yelling into another orgasm. Nothing beats high decimal auditory sex, especially if your boyfriend is ten miles away in a common ward.

Or maybe you wait until he comes home, and have wild sex. That’s if he’s still interested. You never know with these full-on honey badgers. A few hours in Emergency tends to humble them completely.

Especially if they still have a hospital band on their wrist.

Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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