Have You Ever Been Bonked Deaf?
Is inner ear sex really nirvana? Or are women getting auditorily screwed?
“That’s God’s gift to women so they don’t have to listen to their boyfriends ask, ‘How was I?’” GoofyGibbin
If we’re going to deal with this scientifically — or at least seriously — let’s remember one thing: We’ve all experienced hearing loss. I lost mine temporarily during a Hendrix concert back in 1970. That’s neither here nor there. What’s important here is when it happens during sex. As one woman described it, “I feel like my body’s applauding my big 0.”
For a few it’s a blessing, others a concern. One woman said her loss of hearing went on for 30 or 40 minutes after orgasm. “That’s God’s gift to women,” GoofyGibbin replied, “so they don’t have to listen to their boyfriends ask, How was I?”
Good answer. In fact, it’s just as good as experts blaming it on everything from the hypothalamus to the cerebellum. Somewhere in the myriad of hormones and brain chemistry, this is probably true, but I’m no scientist — and you might be temporarily deaf from having sex— so let’s break it down into terms we can all easily understand.
If you’re bucking around (a good sign, by the way), blood will go to the muscles, too, especially if you decide to stand up — like in the shower.
Here’s What Happens When You’re Bonked Deaf
During the act of sex, blood rushes to where the body needs it most. The vagina gets a bunch, so does the brain. It’s trying to manage your orgasm(s) with all sorts of oxytocin and endorphins (one creates the other, or vice versa, who can tell anymore?).
If you’re having sex (a good sign, by the way), blood will go to the muscles, too, especially if you decide to stand up—like in the shower.
Some shower masturbators find themselves “browning out,” meaning not enough blood is going to their heads. “You’ve only got enough blood for one head,” a clinician remarked, which could explain a lot of things, including why we masturbate in the shower.
If you insist on abusing two heads, your blood is going back and forth, not knowing what’s going on. At some point, it has to get back to your brain so you at least remember to turn the shower off.
Here’s Another Way Of Looking At It (If You’re Looking At It)
When your body is doing a bunch of things at once, it’s like a submarine attempting to conserve air. It closes down some compartments where the air isn’t needed (torpedo tubes, for instance).
The better the orgasm, the more blood you need in these areas.
Since sex doesn’t typically require hearing (I’m talking physiologically), the blood vessels constrict, allowing blood to rush to regions like your vagina or muscles. The better the orgasm, the more blood you need in these areas.
That’s a long way from your ears, obviously, and what blood stays behind, tends to be concentrated in your prefrontal cortex. This is the thinking centre, which is already trying to decide what you’re doing after sex (food, walking the dog, telling your kids you don’t scream for no reason at all).
The Political Side (Since Everything’s Political)
It’s a lot like politics where some constituencies get more than others. In this case, ears get less blood, and with less, the inner ear (cochlea) can’t function the way it normally would under less strenuous circumstances.
If you’re a functioning human who’s decided to knock your 10-orgasm record on its ear (had to fit it in), that would explain your temporary deafness. Needless to say, some take it more seriously than others, while a distinct few find milestones in bonking their partner deaf or senseless.
“Hearing? Psh,” one man blogged. “I took away my ex’s ability to walk, stand, speak, mumble, write clear notes, comprehend questions and nod/shake her head to answer various questions.”
She responded with “My hearing loses are sometimes permanent,” which seemed to confirm that man’s exaggerations.
“I spent 8 years with a woman who wanted sex 4–5 times a day,” a guy admitted. “I might have lost hearing because she was screaming.”
Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Worry (Too Much)
There are, however, simpler explanations courtesy of Ask Men on Reddit.
“I spent 8 years with a woman who wanted sex 4–5 times a day,” a guy admitted. “I might have lost hearing because she was screaming.”
Another man said he lost hearing from oral sex.
“Her legs were too tight around your head, mate,” someone replied.
Then there’s the woman who claimed she passed out once, “but that was after orgasm #13. I had 17 that day. I’m a multiple-Oer.”
“Thank God for women like you,” a man responded.
There’s a lot to be said for being bonked deaf. Some claim it’s like having moments of nirvana. “After six or eight orgasms,” PieIntheBush said, “I typically get tunnel vision and my boyfriend’s voice sounds far away. You can’t buy that kind of peace and tranquility.”
“How do you explain your boyfriend went full-on honey badger on your vagina?” the woman wrote.
The Pinnacle of Sex (YOU WERE BONKED DEAF)
Obviously, this can be taken too far. It’s no fun waking up in Emergency, as one woman did, with a nurse leaning over, asking for details of the last ten hours. “How was I supposed to tell her my boyfriend went full-on honey badger on my vagina?” the woman wrote.
“Never know,” came an answer. “She might be green with envy.”
Then again, there’s no law against bonking until you black out, or can’t hear two attendants bringing a stretcher upstairs. Nor should you feel guilty. Bodies don’t shut down on a whim. It takes a lot of chemical confusion, meaning you went where most couples never go.
You reached the pinnacle of sex. You got BONKED DEAF.
It’s not necessarily something you want on a t-shirt, but it does show a willingness to reach sexual extremes.
Besides, there’s no law saying you have to have 13 orgasms just because most of the world is faking it. That’s their problem, not yours.
Why Your Grade Score Just When Up (A Whole Bunch)
Considering less than 20 percent of people have orgasms, you’ve outdone them all. That’s quite the achievement. If you’re still in hospital, you might want to tell your boyfriend to lay off. He’s not earning any medals, and you might’ve stroked.
On the flip side, there’s nothing terribly unhealthy about bonked deafness, and the transient nature can usually be related to something simple and possibly innocuous.
“I lost hearing during sex,” JustAboutToCollapse wrote, “except it turned out my boyfriend had his tongue in one ear and his hand over the other. It created suction. He’s got big lips. Always a Jagger fan.”
Someone else confessed it could have been his girlfriend’s screaming.
“How fucking loud was she?” another reader commented.
“Everything readjusts itself,” he said, “usually by lying flat and getting your breathing rate down.”
The Good News Is…
“There’s no need to be overly concerned,” a clinician said, claiming this sort of deafness usually only lasts two to three minutes. “Everything readjusts itself,” he said, “usually by lying flat and getting your breathing rate down.”
Good to know if your boyfriend is calling Emergency now. “I’ll be okay in a minute,” you can explain, “as soon as I get blood back to my inner ear.” If he faints hearing all this talk about blood, let the ambulance guys take him to Emergency.
A few hours in Emergency tends to humble them completely.
Last thoughts (Since You’re Probably Going To Get Bonked Deaf Again, Anyway)
Temporary hearing loss provides all sorts of benefits, not the least of which is “tuning out.” It’s a good excuse to sleep, or to just lie there thinking about other things like: If he can bonk me deaf, think what that guy at the health club can do.
It buys you time, in other words, which may be your body’s way of saying, You need to shut your boyfriend down before he asks “How was it for you?”
Or maybe you want that discussion. Maybe you want to start it. If you do, it’s possible he might start banging his ear saying, “Sorry, I can’t hear you. I think you bonked me deaf.”
Men are sneaky bastards
Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.
