“I thought penis envy was something a penis did.” Joan Rivers
Remember the Seinfeld episode where, after swimming, Jerry’s girlfriend mistakenly walks in while George is changing? “There was shrinkage,” an embarrassed George explained to Jerry and Elaine later. “It shrinks?” Elaine responded. You can’t blame her for not knowing. Look what cold water does to a woman’s nipples. Shouldn’t the same principle apply?
Unfortunately, it doesn’t, and the “turtle effect” continues to confound men. Why do we experience shrinkage? And why does it happen while swimming and not baseball? Anyone who’s taken a line-drive to the buttercups wishes he had a vagina at the time. Some wish they had a vagina even before they play baseball. It’s why extracurricular activities are so important at school.
We learn a lot from school showers. Seeing how small our penises can go makes us realize our potential inadequacies. That’s why some men decide to play professional baseball while others wear dresses.
As much as we debate the ideal length, width and what’s considered “sponge worthy,” penis size is really arbitrary.
All of which is part of our overall insecurity which is: Does size matter? The answer, after many years of study, scrupulously carried out in some of our finest institutions, is a resounding NO. It doesn’t matter one bit. Regardless of our endowment, we aren’t the ones deciding. It’s the women in our lives — unless we’re wearing dresses — then it’s still the women in our lives.
As much as we debate the ideal length, width and what’s considered “sponge worthy,” penis size is really arbitrary. Even the 5 to 7 inch rule is arbitrary because women don’t see penises necessarily as things.
Just like a penis is connected to all sorts of blood vessels, in a woman’s mind, it’s connected to love. If a woman is in love, your penis can be any shape or size, since the dimensions are established by emotion not a ruler.
Research has shown that women tend to over or underestimate penis size according to their emotional involvement. In fact, most women in love are highly inaccurate when asked to guess the actual size of a lover’s or ex-lover’s penis. This is what’s known as the “reality-distortion effect.”
Women use the reality-distortion affect in congress with how they feel about their partner at the time. As the chart below indicates, men’s penises actually grow with love, often to the point of being called “legendary.”
In the early stages of a relationship, men are given the benefit of the doubt, most falling into the “medium” size category. From there, as love grows, they move up to the XXL category. When asked to describe an ex-lover, most women claimed the penis was “tiny.” Interestingly, if they got back together with the same guy, suddenly he was humongous again.
The ones ranking their partner’s penis as small also complained about uneven chore duties like doing dishes and nursing small birds.
It’s sort of like Shakespeare’s “Six Ages of Man,” and clearly defines women as the decision-makers of overall masculinity.
When judging their partner’s penis, 67% ranked them as average while 27% ranked them as large. Only 6% ranked them as small. The ones ranking their partner’s penis as small also complained about uneven chore duties like doing dishes and nursing small birds.
Surprisingly, women are a lot kinder to their men then the men are to themselves. The vast majority of women studied were satisfied with their partner’s penis size, whereas only 55% of men were satisfied — or claimed they were — since few men are gaga over their own penises.
When a woman says, “Wow, that’s gorgeous,” they’re more worried about sex than critical acclaim.
All of which makes the notion of Does Size Matter? an anomaly in itself. With love as the determining factor, it doesn’t matter whether you’re a 12-inch beefeater or a bottle stopper. In fact, beefeaters are only sought out by size queens, and few women (14%) wanted their partner’s penis to be larger, which was often achieved with reading glasses.
To put it in simpler terms, women are happy as long as what they’ve got is attached to someone they love. Everything can be rationalized and, at times, exaggerated to make their man feel better. When a woman says, “Wow, that’s gorgeous,” they’re more worried about sex than critical acclaim.
Women also know it doesn’t pay to laugh hysterically at a partner’s tallywacker (or even call it a tallywacker, since that’s pretty hysterical). Being supportive, even admiring, goes a long way, since men are pretty insecure at the best of times. Saying, “Wow, that’s gorgeous,” can turn even the bottle stopper into a full-fledged bungblaster.
Being complimentary is also the best way to stop your man from having an affair. Imagine him swinging his little thingy around someone who isn’t emotionally invested. He’ll come running back to you, certain that all mistresses have hearts of stone — unless the mistress is cleverer than you, and says, “Wow, that’s huge!” which is why some affairs last twenty years.
If it sounds like men’s penises are being trained like circus animals, there’s some truth in that. Many marriages owe their success to reality-distortion. The minute he thinks of straying, you just have to remind him that you made his penis what it is today.
And, frankly, your man doesn’t care if you’re putting one over on him. He probably thinks he’s putting one over on you. “I told her I’m eight inches,” you hear men say at bars. It gets a laugh, but every man ends up in the washroom eventually, wondering if he should have lied a few inches longer.
At the end of the day, when sex is over, it’s just two big mounds of flesh hogging the bed.
Here’s the thing, though. Women don’t even like big penises. Anything over 8 inches makes them feel like a pole vault trench. Size queens who want big dicks are like men who want women with enormous breasts. At the end of the day, when sex is over, it’s just two big mounds of flesh hogging the bed.
Better to compliment, exaggerate and support little winkies. They may not turn you on, but they don’t creep up on you when you’ve got a headache, either. You can relax around them.
When you need sex, just throw out, “Let’s see that gorgeous thing,” and he’ll rise up faster than a snapping turtle going after a duck’s leg.
You could say men’s penises are like umbrellas. Having a big one keeps you dry, but then you’re dragging it around everywhere. A good collapsible goes right in your purse, pretty much the way a penis goes right in us.
If men still want to worry about shrinkage, size and girth, at least it’s better than us fixating about the Mets or if Cheez Whiz can go in a protein shake.
If men still want to worry about shrinkage, size and girth, at least it’s better than us fixating about the Mets or if Cheez Whiz can go in a protein shake. It occupies our minds. We need our minds to be occupied.
It keeps us out of mischief — and dresses.
Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.