How do I trick someone into writing my book?

Courtesy of Dreamstime

It’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” Marilyn Monroe

I had to tell someone the other day that I write satire. He was taking my last article seriously. I think he wanted an apology. How do you apologize for writing satire — or reading it? It’s like apologizing for being ridiculous. Whole countries are ridiculous. Go tell them they aren’t funny.

Someone on Facebook wrote: “How do I trick someone into writing my book?” Nothing could be easier. Facebook has some of the most idiotic things ever said in history. There’s enough for a hundred books. Dostoevsky could have written “Crime and Punishment” from the comment sections alone.

Our water is turning male fish into females. The cause is estrogen from birth control pills and a chemical called atrazine found in most pesticides.

One reader took exception to me saying that women are becoming more like men and vice versa. “If men don’t want to be men,” she wrote, “that’s their problem.”

Actually, it’s everyone’s problem. Our water is turning male fish into females. The cause is estrogen from birth control pills and a chemical called atrazine found in most pesticides. Anything that’s happening to fish is happening to us. Water is water. Men should start checking their dress sizes.

Walmart is trying to patent bee drones. We’re killing millions of bees every year, mostly from GMOs. The retail chain figures drone bees can do the pollinating. Except bees don’t just pollinate, they make honey.

One type of honey is said to be a powerful antibiotic. Drone bees don’t make powerful antibiotics. We’re not even sure they can pollinate. And what happens when bee drones run into Amazon’s delivery drones? I see pile-ups everywhere. “It’s raining drones, halleluiah, it’s raining drones, amen…”

What makes Trump flip flop better than CNN? He’s been spanked by Stormy Daniels. They haven’t.

China has killed all its bees. Pretty stupid if you think about it. Bees were pollinating for free. Now the country pays people to do it. Either the Chinese are brilliant at trickle-down economics, or the populace thinks they’re bees.

President Trump recently saw a jump in his popularity numbers, despite making 2,140 false or misleading claims his first year alone. That’s averaging 5.9 flip flops per day, including the days he’s off playing golf. Even CNN doesn’t flip flop that much. What makes Trump’s flip flops better than CNN’s? He’s been spanked by Stormy Daniels. They haven’t.

Daniels whacked Trump’s butt with a rolled up magazine. Trump’s picture was on the cover. He likes being spanked with his picture. His wife apparently spanks him occasionally with their wedding album.

CNN wants Stormy Daniels to spank Anderson Cooper, hoping for a ratings jump before the sweeps. She couldn’t give him a stiffy if she tried. He interviewed her with a straight face. Even High Hefner couldn’t do that—and he’s dead.

Next to spankings, Americans love rocks. Not as much as guns, but you can’t go around arming everyone (although, statistically, we already have). A school in Pennsylvania has decided to arm teachers and students with rocks in case they’re faced with a deranged shooter.

Rubio lost to Trump because he made fun of Trump’s small hands. You don’t make fun of a man’s hands in Little Rock.

The school board chose river rocks so kiddies won’t cut their hands. That’s important when you’re going up against a weapon with a projectile velocity of 3,200 feet per second. This might account for America’s low grade point average.

The NRA is throwing their political muscle behind Marco Rubio, giving him a Grade “A” rating. Rubio strongly defends the 2nd Amendment and his right to accept over 3 million in campaign contributions from the NRA. His party supporters are mostly gun-loving southern Baptists, essentially the same demographic as Trump. Rubio lost to Trump because he made fun of Trump’s small hands. You don’t make fun of a man’s hands in Little Rock.

No word yet on whether Rubio supports throwing river rocks.

One reporter called America “orderly misfits,” a term which could define goliaths like Facebook in the coming months. Zuckerberg refused to discuss information leaks with the U.K. It’s really none of their business. If he’s going to answer questions anywhere, it’ll be right here in the USA, where you can say anything you want and get away with it. Trump told us as much last fall.

Zuckerberg should go to more rallies. It wouldn’t hurt calling himself a feminist, either.

Zuckerberg’s still America’s wonder boy. If personal information is being disseminated for marketing purposes, you can’t blame him. All he does is rake in great sums of money, leaving the daily process to people like Sheryl Sandberg. Oddly enough, she’s letting him take the heat while she attends feminist rallies. Nobody hears a damn thing at these rallies. Zuckerberg should go to more rallies. He should also think about calling himself a feminist before Sheryl Sandberg has to do it for him.

In a nutshell, anyone thinking they need to “trick” someone into writing their novel, isn’t looking at the material. It’s everywhere. What you don’t find online, you can probably call and get firsthand. Zuckerberg’s been known to pick up the phone. He makes odd, computer-like noises. Nobody needs to know that. What a man does in his own home is his business.

Privacy isn’t privacy anymore, though. You can write about anyone and say it’s “public knowledge.” Julian Assange has been doing this for years.

He’s still holed up in London’s Ecuadorean embassy, throwing out so many tweets, the staff finally shut down his internet. Assange can’t even get a good lead from the Russians. Squirrels have been trained to climb the side of the building with classified information. Assange hates squirrels.

The squirrels know this and hop over to MI-5. The agents play with them like pet rabbits. Assange has labeled the squirrels traitors on Twitter, forcing hundreds of them into hiding. MI-5 disavows any knowledge except to say that squirrels are cute.

No doubt we’ll hear more from these players in the coming months. Vitriol runs high in these circumstances. Assange may get booted from The Ecuadorean embassy since he’s a terrible houseguest, and not particularly clean. The Ecuadoreans didn’t want him in the first place. It was an invitation said in jest by President Moreno, and just as quickly recanted when he realized Assange is just as rude to staff as he is to squirrels.

Imagine Trump giving up Twitter. He’d have to go before the people, speaking in shorter sentences than he is now.

Zuckerberg will make a few more promises, things will die down, his stocks will rise. Sandberg might even try running the company. All things are possible with Facebook. It’s an institution, and we’d rather get whacked across the backside with a rolled up magazine than give up our internet.

Imagine Trump giving up Twitter. He’d have to go before the people, speaking in shorter sentences than he is already. And let’s not take our eyes off those teachers and students in Pennsylvania. They might be practising right now at a rock-throwing range behind the school.

Surely there’s a novel in all this nonsense. No trickery required. At least no more than we’re seeing already.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, children’s book author and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.



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Robert Cormack

Robert Cormack

I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.