How To Fix Your Man.

First thing men have to do is knock off those “rapey violations”—if “rapey” is even a word.

Image for post
Image for post
Courtesy of Dreamstime

We’re saturated in a culture of rape.” Caitlin Johnstone

Anyone familiar with Aristophanes’ Lysistrata, knows it’s about how women stopped a war by denying their men sex. It wasn’t easy since men love war, but they folded, anyway, since they also love sex.

From the day Lysistrata was first performed back in 411 BC, women have realized that very little gets done without men thinking about their penises. It’s what we do when we’re not fighting wars or killing defenseless animals.

Men are a bloodthirsty lot, and we can’t just “leave it at the door” like we do our faithful dogs and weaponry. Aristophanes saw this as a way to fix men without neutering—which war tends to do through a variety of battle-axes, sharp swords and horses that buck a lot.

Let’s go through the plot of the play, and I’ll show you want I mean. Lysistrata is a gung-ho feminist with a great sense of civic responsibility. Her biggest worry is the Peloponnesian War — which has been going on for centuries.

Because men are away fighting all the time, they’re absent during the women’s ideal reproductive periods. The war department (men) is also draining the treasury, buying oars and stuff, which Lysistrata feels could be better spent on constructive things like infactructure and hot slaves.

Now, to be honest, nobody’s crazy about the idea — especially a bunch of hedonists who aren’t getting enough sex as it is.

Lysistrata gets together with the gals, led by Calonice, and hatches a plan to withhold sexual favours until a Peloponnesian peace accord is reached.

Well, nobody’s crazy about the idea — especially the hedonists and nymphos who aren’t getting enough sex as it is. But they finally take an oath, swearing off all fornication, including the Lioness on the Cheese Grater Position (a fancy way of saying doggy style).

The girls take over the Acropolis, closing down the treasury and whatever else gets done in the Acropolis. Since there’s no money for a war, and no sex at hand, men end up walking around with king-sized erections. To make matters worse, Lysistrata brings out a gorgeous woman called Reconciliation, just so those erections don’t lose their bounce.

As you might expect, the men are simply too engorged to do much of anything. They agree to end the Peloponnesian War, and everyone gets busy humping, having kids, and checking out the hot slaves.

Even today, you can walk around with an erection the size of a guidance system, and you won’t get any sex without Reconciliation.

As Lysistrata remarks at one point: “There are a lot of things about us women that sadden me, considering how men see us as rascals.”

Calonice responds with: “And indeed we are.”

Outside of being rascals, they came up with a great saying: “No good sex comes without Reconciliation.” That’s still true today. Men can walk around with an erection the size of a guidance system, and still won’t get any sugar without Reconciliation.

We’ve got a lot to reconcile these days. In the last part of 2017, a Democratic senator, movie mogul, senate candidate, actor and comedian have all been accused of sexual impropriates. The senator and comedian apologized immediately, whereas everyone else — including the President of the United States — denied everything.

Those who apologized have been fired, shamed and, in some cases, sued. The ones who remained shtum are still working, still enjoying the benefits of their positions, and free to point fingers at the wimpy apologizers.

White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders put a nice spin on this when a reporter asked how the president could criticize Senator Al Franken, when his own indiscretions were caught on tape. “He’s denied those allegations,” she said, which is pretty weenie — even for a press secretary.

Granted, Al Franken couldn’t deny much, since there’s a picture of him tweeking Leeann Tweeden’s breasts while she was asleep.

Bless her heart, though. The former Playmate covergirl and sportscaster didn’t want him fired. She just wanted the subject brought to light. Same with Julia Wolov, the comedienne who saw too much of Louis C.K. “I think the line gets crossed when you take all your clothes off and start masturbating,” she said.

This led Caitlin Johnstone, journalist and medium, to issue a flury of generalizations, my favorite being: “I don’t know any women who haven’t been severely impacted by the rapey violations of men…”

On the night in question, she and another comedienne admitted laughing hysterically, but shock can be a delayed reaction, unless, of course, you really do find it hysterical, in which case, we call that a laughable indiscretion.

A lot of men have been outed, in any event, some high profile, some just your common grab-asses and breast-squeezers.

This led Caitlin Johnstone, journalist and medium, to issue a flury of generalizations, my favorite being: “I don’t know any women who haven’t been severely impacted by the rapey violations of men…”

If, as Caitlin claims, we’re all guilty of “rapey violations,” that’s a lot of rapey violations — possibly billions. Either we tackle this now, or the day will come when men really will need fixing (we do it ourselves occasionally with prison knife fights, but not nearly as much as Caitlin thinks is necessary).

Rather than snipping our tallywaggers, maybe women need to use the same ingenuity Lysistrata showed back in 411 BC. How about holding back sexual favours on an international level? Let’s see how men like walking around with king-sized erections all day.

When men start complaining about bad backs (the way women with large breasts have been doing for years), maybe we’ll get the message. It’s not cool to treat women like “objects of conquest,” as Caitlin Johnstone calls it.

“We’re being forced to defend ourselves against the implicit male insistence that we are objects of conquest,” she complained, “which saps our mental energy and creativity and makes it very difficult for us to thrive.”

That’s not to say all women aren’t thriving. Some are thriving quite well. Six of the leading 10 companies in America currently have female CEOs.

Obviously women are getting top jobs, and certainly more top jobs are opening up as sexual allegations are brought to the public’s attention.

This is creating a lot of job openings, especially top-tier ones where the real perverts seem to be hanging out.

Roger Ailes, who started the Fox Network, is gone, Bill O’Reilly is doing No Spin News, a far cry from his former O’Reilly Factor, Harvey Weinstein was fired from Miramax, the company he started, Louis C.K. has had all his comedy specials pulled, and Kevin Spacey might end up doing magic shows at kid’s birthday parties (watched carefully, of course).

This is creating a lot of job openings, especially top-tier ones where the real perverts tend to hang out. Power and perversity go hand in hand, and it’s great to see the moguls and titans getting their just desserts.

Maybe this is a clever, rascally plot by women. I say “clever” because it’s even better than Lysistrata’s. No sex has to be withheld and, if powerful men keep getting disgraced and fired, the job possibilities are endless.

A few months ago, someone posted the following on Facebook: “If all these guys are outed and lose their jobs, who’ll run the companies?” This was answered with one word: “Women.”

Women really can be rascals, can’t they? Or am I sounding “rapey” mentioning it? I hear the snipping in my head already.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, humorist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

Written by

I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store