Dating Advice: It’s Okay to Talk About Golden Showers.
If I’d known women were into this, I would have taken sisters off the table entirely.
“We’re all here to be a service to those who can’t service themselves.” Dionne Warwick
After my divorce, I figured my friends would set me up on dates, or at least point me in the right direction. Unfortunately, either none of them knew any eligible females or, like our family dog, they never learned to point.
Pointing is a lost art, something akin to water-witching. Nobody points anymore. If they do, they point to the internet, saying, “My sister met her husband on OkCupid. So did my best friend’s sister.”
I’ve yet to meet any of these sisters. They’re obviously too happily married to go outside and, since they won’t come outside, I’ve had to join a dating site to see if any sisters are left. In fact, my first question to any potential date is: “Do you have any sisters?”
“You said what?” they ask, shaking their heads like they’ve never made a move on someone’s family member before.
Well, yes, they have sisters, no, their sisters aren’t available, no, their sisters won’t be available soon. When I tell them my calendar is pretty much open until 2030, they invariably say “What kind of man are you?” Well, I’ll be an old one in 2030, I’ll tell you that.
Obviously, this isn’t the way to approach dating. I’ve even asked female friends to give me an honest critique. “You said what?” they ask, shaking their heads like they’ve never moved on someone’s family member before.
Sine they weren’t any help, I decided to hit the internet to find out what women really want. My first stop was OkCupid. They’ve done some interesting research on dating, including one piece entitled: “In 2017, Trump Is a Major Dating Deal Breaker. Golden Showers Are Not.”
The presidency is still in its first year, and already we have women actually liking golden showers?
To be honest, this went way beyond what I understand about dating. If I’d known women were into golden showers, I’d have left sisters off the table entirely. Imagine reading: “Daters today are more willing to compromise on golden showers than they are on Trump.”
Talk about opening up new territory. I mean, elect one golden-haired Republican to the presidency, and suddenly nobody needs toilets anymore.
If women would rather discuss golden showers than Donald Trump, I’m all for it. I just wish I understood where this is coming from. The presidency is still in its first term, and already we have women actually liking golden showers?
Keep in mind, this isn’t word-on-the street research. OkCupid received nearly 270,000 responses (which is more than most clinical drug trials).
In terms of deal breakers, 74% answered “Hell no” to the question: “Would you discuss Trump with a prospective date?” Only 4% answered “Hell yes.” To be fair, those answering “Hell yes,” have been on OkCupid most of their adult lives. Some think Trump is still doing The Apprentice.
The most shocking response came from the question: “Would you discuss golden showers with your prospective partners?” Nearly a quarter of the respondents claimed it was either a “turn-on,” or they could be convinced to “try it out.” The central takeaway here? Singles are more willing to get urinated on than support Trump.
Nor are we going to be happy with pins saying “No, Means No Pissing.”
In any case, I’d like to be clear on the specifics. I’ve already annoyed enough women asking about their sisters. I don’t want to compound this by urinating on the wrong person. I also don’t want my female friends saying, “You did what?” like they’ve never urinated on anyone before.
Men — me included — are already out of our depth where women are concerned. Getting two years community service for “trying something a little different” isn’t going to help our self esteem one bit. Nor are we going to be happy with pins saying “No, Means No Pissing.”
I would strongly suggest OkCupid set out some ground rules, listing in detail what represents the proper etiquette for golden showers. Some suggestions have been provided below (since I’m not getting anywhere with sisters):
1) Hold off bringing up golden showers until you’ve established a congenial rapport. Going straight to urination may be considered too forward — not to mention indictable.
2) Never force the subject further than your date is prepared to go. If you ask if she likes golden showers and she calls security, you’ve obviously passed her comfort level.
3) Be sensitive to your date’s concerns. Maybe she’s had a bad golden shower experience with her last boyfriend — or maybe she’s still having a bad golden shower experience with her last boyfriend.
4) Don’t jump the gun. Just because she says she’s willing to consider a golden shower, doesn’t mean she wants one right away. Finish your dinner and go home first, and never say something like “Well, my bladder’s full now.” You could end up getting kicked in the bladder (which means you’ll be giving yourself a golden shower).
5) Even if you’re both into golden showers, there’s a time and a place for everything. Don’t think her agreeing means she wants to be urinated on just anywhere. Agree on a place and time — and never suggest “over the drain in the basement.” It may be practical, but you’re going to get smacked.
6) Never get up and leave after a golden shower. It may be okay after sex, but expecting her to clean up afterwards is bad form. Always lend a helping hand — even if she says, “When the hell did I say I wanted a golden shower!!?”
7) Who’s urinating on who? This is critical, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t want to be drinking three Big Gulps in a row and find out I’m the receiver. This should be established right off the top — preferably before I even start drinking Big Gulps.
Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated since, as I mentioned before, I’m way out of my depth, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if this whole golden shower business ends with the next elected president.
All I know is, sisters aren’t exactly lining up outside. I’ve checked.
Robert Cormack is a freelance copywriter, novelist, blogger and journalist. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback).
