Kim And the Aliens.

Is she powerful by intergalactic standards?

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Courtesy of Instagram

Botox to me is not surgery.” Kim Kardashian

We all know there are entire galaxies beyond our own, possibly with complete civilizations. Intelligent life forms could be eyeing us right now, calculating birth rates, mortality, and why we eat spinach.

Viewed on a typical day, humans must seem like a quirky bunch. Our love of luminescent screens, sitting in traffic jams, or posting pictures of our cats, can’t be normal by any intergalactic standards.

Aliens might even be hard pressed to call us intelligent life forms.

Eventually, some martian sociologist will conclude that we’re simply doing what others are doing, following a pattern known as “trends.”

Trends essentially form out of bonding, mostly when someone says, “Where did you buy that?”

Trending can’t be all that alien to, well, aliens. When life forms co-exist, there’ll always be societal bonding. Even amoebas bond. Trends essentially form out of bonding, mostly when someone says, “Where did you buy that?” This leads to shopping expeditions, which leads to more bonding, which is the very basis of malls — and churches, for that matter.

Religion may be interesting to aliens, but not as much fun as malls. Malls are where humans hang out. If you want to round up a bunch of humans, all you have to do is close and lock the mall doors.

Don’t think aliens haven’t thought of that, they have.

It still doesn’t explain exactly how all this trending and shopping occurs. Digging deeper, aliens realize there’s a powerful force associated with some people who are known as “influencers.”

These aren’t politicians or evangelists. They’re people like you and me, except they aren’t. If they were, they wouldn’t be influencers.

One in particular will confuse aliens to no end. She doesn’t seem special, at least not compared to influencers on other planets, who probably have forty eyes and enough arms to embrace a ferris wheel.

She’s attractive and has enlarged portions of her body. Other than that, there isn’t anything an alien would say justifies all the hoopla that surrounds her.

No, this person has no particular talent or skill. She’s attractive and has enlarged portions of her body. Other than that, there isn’t anything an alien would say justifies all the hoopla that surrounds her.

So how does this creature named Kim hold such sway over the masses? Well, for some reason, it started with her lying naked in a video, saying, “This better not get out.”

From that bit of naughtiness, she’s built a huge following, mostly through a television show called “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.”

It’s like the Seinfeld series about nothing, except there was something, whereas the Kardashians really do nothing. From one episode to another, they debate dietary fruits and facials, all in the comfort of a swanky house with lots of couches. Occasionally, they go on vacation where there are lots of couches.

Based on past videos, Kim really enjoys getting undressed, saying, “This better not get out.” Even an alien knows it will, and they have no marketing experience whatsoever.

The Kardashians spend a lot of time on couches, unless they’re getting dressed, which obviously takes a lot of consideration, since whole episodes revolve around them putting on and taking off clothes.

Based on past videos, Kim really enjoys getting undressed, saying, “This better not get out.” Even an alien knows it will, and they have no marketing experience whatsoever.

It sure is lucrative, whatever it is. All you have to do is say “This better not get out,” and, presto, you’re rich.

The big money maker, however, is sister Kylie, who has a make-up line and all sorts of endorsements. How does she end up with a hundred and fifty-four million followers? It may have something to do with how she expresses herself, which is direct and uncompromising.

“I take, like, 500 selfies to get one I like,” she’s quoted on Brainy Quote. She’d also like to move to Malibu when she’s 30, have a family, and raise chickens. Aliens may not think that’s important, but one hundred and fifty-four million people want Kylie to have those chickens.

There’s a lot of money at stake, and if some egg-laying birds will help Kylie sell perfume, that’s a good thing.

Even Kim wants her to have those chickens, since she and Kylie are now partners in a new fragrance line called KKM (which I hope doesn’t mean Ku Klux Woman). There’s a lot of money at stake, and if some egg-laying birds will help Kylie sell perfume, that’s a good thing.

All of which must be confusing — and impressive — to aliens, especially compared to their own planet. Isn’t war, local and galactic, predicated on a whole bunch of threats and dirty dealing?

Could the real voices of the future be people who do, well, nothing? Okay, sure, you don’t get ratings by doing absolutely nothing, but the Kardashians come awfully close. At least they don’t start real wars, unless it’s with Taylor Swift, who’s got a lot of followers, too.

These altercations don’t involve actual physical fighting, since both parties prefer cattiness, a seemingly innocuous form of wordplay that really hurts.

Millions of people get involved, writing notes of support and criticism. Eventually it all works out and they make up and call each other “awesome.”

Imagine warfare being replaced by a family sitting on a couch being catty.

By God, this could change the whole concept of war, the aliens say, rushing back to their planets at warp speed. Imagine warfare being replaced by a family sitting on a couch being catty.

But surely, the leaders say, there has to be more to their power and influence.

Well, one alien explains, it seems to rely on a human trait that only a certain percentage of the population has. And even that doesn’t necessarily make you an influencer, since many people have exactly what the Kardashians have which, believe it or not, is big butts.

The high council is aghast, mostly because, looking at snapshots of humans, it seems like a pretty common thing. In fact, some of those butts are enormous. Why are some big butts more influential than others?

“The way I figure it,” he says, “big butts must be where Earthlings have their brains. Some utilize big butts better than others.”

This is where the martian sociologist tries to explain the Kardashians to the high council. “The way I figure it,” he says, “big butts must be where Earthlings have their brains. Some utilize big butts better than others.”

“How is that possible?” the high council asks.

“For a start,” the martian sociologist says, “that big butt has to be displayed in what’s known as a personal video, which is never supposed to get out, but it does, because of unwanted but expected distribution.”

“Then what?” the high council asks.

“This is unbelievable,” the high council exclaims. “So you’re saying this — what’s her name — Kim? — her big butt is all brains?”

“Next thing you know, you’re all over the airwaves and social media, and then you open up a line of clothing stores. I don’t know where the chickens come in, but it seems the end goal is chickens.”

“This is unbelievable,” the high council exclaims. “So you’re saying this — what’s her name — Kim? — her big butt is all brains?”

“Check it out for yourself. She’s on monitor one.”

“That’s a big butt.”

“Enormous.”

“We’d better get back down there and observe her more.”

“I took the liberty of ordering her whole series on Netflix.”

“How many episodes?”

“Over two hundred.”

“Boy, she must be smart.”

“Damn straight.”

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist, blogger and freelance copywriter. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)”is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon & Schuster for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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