Knock Off The Baby Talk.

Save it for puppies. They don’t mind, they’re puppies.

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Courtesy of Dreamstime

I talk in that baby talk voice when I’m on TV. It’s a put on.” Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton would never talk baby talk in real life, no siree. Under what she claims is a well-orchestrated facade, she’s a smart business women who travels all over the world representing different interests. “I go places and people give me stuff,” she told CNN in her businesslike voice.

She used the same voice when she was on David Letterman. “I don’t want to discuss my sex tape anymore,” she told him. Letterman responded with, “I know you don’t but, unfortunately I do.” Paris said later she would have walked off the set but her bum was cold.

Chinese nationals made the mistake of trying to learn English from Paris’s sex tape. Her use of “tankyoo” to show gratification really threw them off. When meeting President Trump for the first time, President Xi Jinping said “tankyoo,” and “Baby like it.” Trump was convinced he could negotiate any Chinese deal with a rattle and a pacifier.

So why, if Paris wants to be taken seriously, did she use baby talk on television? When asked, she said: “Because I get what I want. It’s hot.”

They [men] claim it takes the starch out of an erection faster than a serrated commando knife.

The idea that you can get what you want with baby talk isn’t supported, according to most men on Reddit. They claim it takes the starch out of an erection faster than a serrated commando knife.

“Baby talking to babies or kittens? Sure. Baby talking to my wangdangdoodle? No.”

“She gets a three-point deduction, much like telling you she’s opposed to birth control.”

“I can’t stand women who talk baby talk” Cary Grant (he’s dead, but I thought I’d throw it in here).

“Remember ‘Horsefeathers,’ where Thelma Todd starts talking to Groucho, referring to herself as “icky-baby.” Groucho responds in a similar voice, saying, “If icky-baby doesn’t stop tawking like dat, big strong man is going to kick all her teef wight down her fwoat.”

There’s no middle ground where baby talk is concerned. Either you like it or you hate it. Most men hate it. Somehow that wide-eyed, helpless girlie thing reinforces a stereotype we’re supposed to be getting away from.

“She can sound like Donald Duck for all I care,” Alan said, although he prefers it if she loses the voice after they’re done.

Isn’t feminism about taking charge, not actng ditzy?

“Women want guys to go all stone-age,” one guy noted, “but only when it suits them. Otherwise, they throw in all this whining stuff, figuring they’re manipulating us, which they are since my wife got the house.”

Other men don’t take it so seriously, saying they’ll tolerate the substitution as long as she’s a monster in bed. “She can sound like Donald Duck for all I care,” Alan said, although he prefers it if she loses the voice after they’re done. “I can’t deal with ‘Are you sweepy now?’” he admitted. “Of course, I’m sweepy now. We just had sex. Go talk to the dog.”

“Baby talk is the verbal equivalent of duckface,” one man added.

Perhaps the underlying concern here speaks to sex in general. Is there motive behind speaking like Adam Sandler? Is “Could you get me a drinky winky?” more manipulative than cute? And are baby talkers following a routine learned from their mothers, known as Motherese.

This describes mothers using cutesy voices long after the child has learned to speak. They can’t face their kids growing up, so they revert back to baby talk, creating a type of suspended animation.

Keeping it cutesy alleviates the guilt. You can’t be a “bad girl” or a “slut” if you call his dick a “thingy wingy.”

When a woman starts doing the “verbal equivalent of duckface,” there’s probably a mother in the background, telling her sex is only dirty if you talk in a “big girl voice.”

Keeping it cutesy alleviates the guilt. You can’t be a “bad girl” or a “slut” if you call his dick a “thingy wingy.” Same with doe-eyes. It’s just a woman’s way of making you wonder if you’re committing statutory rape.

Unfortunately, what seems cute at first soon becomes cringe-worthy, and it goes against men’s natural instinct to find a woman who makes them feel like a man. Saying, “I wuve my babykins,” makes him feel like a pony.

Perhaps men just like women to be women. If they’re calling you their “doggy woggy,” it only reinforces the notion they are dogs, and maybe they need a woman who doesn’t make them feel like they need a collar.

It’s also possible high-pitched voices remind men of their pubescent days when girls used to say, “Gosh, is that where it goes?”

You know their mothers didn’t have that little talk, and obviously the school did a shitty job, which leaves you to explain the mechanics of sex.

Guilt roams free, and where there’s guilt, or unresolved issues, men prefer husky voices, something reminiscent of, say, their first prostitute.

It’s one thing to say, “Wove your bwig thing,” another to be repeating it two hours later when it’s no longer big, and chances are it won’t be again.

Men want to remember the good times, not wonder if they just spent the past two hours sharing a mattress with Tweety Bird.

That’s probably why most men take pride in saying, “My baby don’t talk baby talk,” whether it speaks to her maturity or ability to enunciate.

Women who insist on talking baby talk need to do it sparingly. It’s one thing to say, “Wove your bwig thing,” another to be repeating it two hours later when it’s no longer big, and chances are it won’t be again.

Perhaps women should save baby talk for those occasions when being cute makes sense. Like when he buys you a puppy. You can talk baby talk all you want to a puppy. They don’t care. They’re puppies.

That only reminds men of the time their date said, “You know I’m a dude, right?”

As far as a committed relationship goes, though, you might try sounding husky. Not too husky. That only reminds men of the time their date said, “You know I’m a dude, right?”

Better to stick to a voice they love, one that’s both strong, sensitive and sensuous. That combination has served women well for generations.

Tweety Bird and Paris Hilton ain’t it. Neither is Mae West. Anything in between is probably fine. You might even find his “thingy wingy” stays up a lot longer…at least until the puppy comes in the room.

Then all bets are off.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, humorist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Publishing or Simon & Schuster for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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