Living An Orgasmic Life.
Women have to raise a little hell in the bedroom or face remembering The French Revolution.
“It only takes two minutes of light boinking to get me off, so if my lover can’t manage that, then he can get lost.” CrazyIrina (reddit)
There’s a term called “killing the bedroom” which men seem to be doing more than bowling these days. If numbers are to be believed, 70 percent of women don’t have orgasms, meaning those poor clitorises don’t get to raise their heads in triumph very often—if at all.
From what I can gather, it’s not so much the “Roll-Over-Johnnies,” or the “Isn’t-That-Your-Job? Jacobs.” It’s more like Dr. Seuss’s “Horton Hears a Who!” where Horton discovers Whoville in a small speck of dust.
In the book, Horton realizes that “a person’s a person, no matter how small.” In sexual terms we could translate that to mean, “a clitoris is a clitoris, no matter how small.” And like Horton explains to the Whos, “you have to make as much noise as you can to prove your existence.”
But, if you really want your orgasm prioritized, you have to make your clitoris known.
Since clitorises can’t make any noise, it’s really up to mouths. I don’t necessarily mean screaming. That certainly gets a man’s attention—not to mention sending the cat up the drapes. What I mean is, if you really want your orgasm prioritized, you have to make your clitoris known.
Let’s start with the frustration women feel when they’re not getting an orgasm. As one woman pointed out, “It’s like ordering a pizza and then the delivery guy doesn’t arrive. You’re not entitled to it, but you got really excited for that pizza and now you’re really bummed out you didn’t get it.”
Sure, you’re bummed out. Who wouldn’t be? You have every reason to expect an orgasm, even if a pizza would be just as welcome. Unfortunately, some men don’t understand the symmetry of sex and orgasms. Others tend to be like the guy who told his girlfriend (who wasn’t getting off and blaming him), she should treasure the memory of her last orgasm, since it probably predated the French Revolution.
It’s like Woody Allen saying, “In my next life, I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as a female orgasm.” Based on his preference for young women, he’s either caught up in clitoral “sell by” dates, or he wants to wear a hood.
You can sit down and explain the situation, occasionally referring to your clit as “the Loch Ness of the Labia,” or you can follow Horton’s advice to the Whos and “make as much noise as you can.
Understanding is obviously key. You can sit down and explain the situation, occasionally referring to your clit as “the Loch Ness of the Labia,” or you can follow Horton’s advice to the Whos and “make as much noise as you can.”
Just remember, screaming and vocalizing are two different things. With screaming, men figure it’s either an orgasm or pain. Since men don’t know the difference, they go to sleep figuring the cat will sort it out. Vocalizing, on the other hand, is like Horton telling the Whos to “prove their existence.”
Like anything, subtlety is overrated, and expecting your partner to “know” suggests his thinking patterns go beyond eating, sex and road closures.
When CrazyIrina says her boyfriend should either make orgasms happen “or get lost,” we’re not talking so much about compatibility as sexual fatigue.
“I think deciding you and your man are incompatible because you’re not having orgasms is crazy,” one woman remarked on reddit. “Just tell him what you want. Scream it if you have to. Sex shouldn’t be guesswork.”
If 70 percent of women aren’t have orgasms, biology is the last thing you want to think about.
That’s right. Sex shouldn’t be guesswork. True symmetry of sex and orgasms requires teamwork. Forget the notion that you’re either biologically or chemically right for each other. If 70 percent of women aren’t have orgasms, biology is the last thing you want to think about. Better to get everything out in the open. Otherwise your cat will destroy the drapes.
To get a better handle on this, I enlisted the advice from Alexandra Katechakis’s book “How to increase intimacy in your relationship”. She stated that orgasms are “a momentary loss of self,” sort of like when your partner’s had six beer. That gives you context. Even the cat knows what six beer can do.
Once you have context, vocalizing is simple. Say it, scream it, put it on a teleprompter at the end of the bed. It’s all in the interest of getting you and your partner working as one, or what Katechakis calls “a connection with yourself, your partner, (possibly the cat), and the divine.”
Oneness can be achieved through vocalizing your clitoral needs, even if it requires diagrams and other presentation tools.
Obviously, you can’t always work as one, but oneness can be achieved through vocalizing your clitoral needs, even if it requires diagrams and other motivational tools. Here are a few tips for making the discussion easier:
Laser Pointers: You can’t point them at airplanes, but you can point them at your clitoris. Chalk lines work well, too. Most men love cop shows.
Marvin Gaye: Music can help set the mood for both of you, especially with Marvin singing “Let’s Get It On” in every chorus and verse.
Hand-to-Hand: Putting his hand on the right spot saves a lot of time, and prevents him from ending up in the sock drawer.
Even men who live in L.A. don’t know if it’s on the east or west coast. That’s why they end up in the Pacific and become surfers.
He Should Know: Sure, he should know, but that’s like saying he should know where California is. Even men who live in L.A. don’t know if it’s on the east or west coast. Those who try leaving usually end up in the Pacific and become surfers.
Pornography: Using this as a visual aid only works if your man understands film cuts, dissolves and fades. Without those, porn would take hours, and porn stars would complain about missing lunch—and possibly puberty.
Marital Aids: Men are competitive by nature. If a Hot Octopus Pulse is succeeding where they’re failing, no man is going to sit by and do nothing. They’ll either try to do better or hipcheck your vibrator into the garbage.
In closing, I suggest you read “Horton Hears a Who!” It’s pretty heady stuff, but it’s worth the time if you want orgasms. I’m not saying Dr. Seuss knew orgasms. We have to start somewhere, though. It’s also got pictures.
Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.
