Modern Tortures I’ve Endured.

I still have savage nightmares of two Polynesian nurses holding me down. I blame the literature.

Courtesy of Dreamstime

Either they’ve never had a cystoscopy, or some people have urethras capable of handling large objects including ships.

I needed two Polynesian nurses holding me down because, if you don’t have a urethra the size of Lincoln Tunnel, you feel like a bamboo pole is shoved up there.

I made it to the washroom, unzipped, did my arc, and suddenly realized the literature had lied.

They even lied about the cystoscope having a lens like a telescope. If that were the case, they could have looked at my urethra from, say, the moon.

The size of the urethra and the size of the camera will prove that one can’t accommodate the other.

The police view it differently. But they probably haven’t had cystoscopies. Either that or they have urethras the size of Lincoln Tunnel.

I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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