“No clean kitchen is worth a handy.”

Some consider handies sexual quid pro quo. Others think they’re the inbred cousins of the blowjob.

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Courtesy of Dreamstime

Dry claw grip parade, NOOOOOO!” Cosmopolitan

Handy used to mean something close at hand. Now it means what you do with your hands. Far be it for me to question sexual terminology, but who comes up with this stuff? Now I can’t look at Handy Wipes without giggling, which gets me thrown out of supermarkets — and even my own home.

All last week, after foolishly writing a piece called “What Makes Women Horny?” I got messages from men saying they don’t have to do a damn thing for a handy. “This is a conspiracy!” David wrote me. “Don’t listen, men! Don’t fall for the trap. No clean kitchen is worth a handy!”

I wrote back saying, “Are you kidding me? I pruned an entire tree for a handy. I carried a 60 lb. air conditioner up six flights of stairs for a handy.”

“I think you’re playing your cards all wrong, pal,” he replied. “I got some nice dome and waffles for breakfast, didn’t lift a finger.”

I haven’t ever wrapped breakfast around, well, anything, and I can’t imagine getting “oatmeal dome” or “smoothie dome.”

Boy, just when I get handy figured out, along comes “dome,” an urban synonym meaning blowjob or head, which includes “bus dome,” getting it on a bus, “donut dome,” placing a Krispy Kreme donut down the shaft of your penis, and “mega dome, getting head while you’re doing something hella, like eating or trying to eat or thinking about eating.

I only hope “waffles” means waffles, although now I’m picturing David getting “waffle dome” which seems pretty self explanatory. If that’s the case, I’m really out of the loop. I’ve never wrapped my breakfast around, well, anything, and I can’t imagine getting “oatmeal dome” or “kale smoothie dome.” That could turn a guy off sex—and breakfast—completely.

Well, sounds like you’ve got quite the wife/girlfriend, David, but you might want to check your waistline. Dome can certainly burn calories, but if you’re eating waffles the whole time, one cancels out the other.

For the rest of us (a whole bunch of us, anyway), handies and blow jobs are part of the ultimate reward system. You pitch in, take out the garbage without being asked, and you might get a handy. It’s sexual quid pro quo. That’s if you understand sexual quid pro quo. Some men hear quid and think of squid and then they want calamari. Nothing gets done if a man wants calamari.

Not that they won’t do the dishes for a handy. Dishes have to get done. So do men.

Men who do understand quid pro quo, figure it’s no different than the dog getting a treat for shaking a paw. Dogs have no problem with quid pro quo. Men secretly feel it’s a bit manipulative. Not that they won’t do the dishes for a handy. Dishes have to get done. So do men.

Still, there are guys like David, conspiracy theorists at heart, who won’t be suckered into doing household chores. David gets his dome the old-fashioned way, starting with, “Aw, c’mon, it’s been hours.” Wait’ll she sprains her back filling the dishwasher or lugging the waffle iron, pal. Your next handy will be in 2025. By then, she’ll be more interested in waffles.

Women obviously understand quid pro quo better than men. If Cosmopolitan is any indication, women are into the reward system (and handies) in a big way. I found four articles on handies, one called “How to Give Him a Hand Job He’ll Actually Like.”

This is based on sex educator, Carlyle Jansen’s workshop called “The Sophisticated Hand Job.” It’s all about taking handies to a whole new skill level, the ultimate goal being healthier relationships—and cleaner kitchens.

By improving your skill, a handy can be a welcome reward as opposed to a “death grab.”

It’s also a good way to take you man’s mind off blow jobs.

According to Carlyle, men want blow jobs because they fear the “dry claw parade,” or the “gorilla grip.” By improving your skill, a handy can be a welcome reward as opposed to a “death grab,” which some men compare to “a gorilla snatching a banana from a zoo keeper.”

To avoid these negative attitudes, Carlyle seeks to expand the average HJ-giver’s repertoire with a focus on variety. There are so many ways to pump the pudge, from the “Jiggle It” Warm-up to the “Bouncing Squid.”

I won’t go into the details, other to say that the “Bouncing Squid” sounds like a lot of fun, and certainly puts a new spin on calamari.

A growing number of women are training hard, making the handy a sought-after act of love. Done with the proper concentration and skill, men will be lining up to do the dishes or take out the trash.

“A hand job is just a woman saying she can’t be bothered giving a blow job,” one man said, preferring not to leave his name.

Men who insist they won’t be manipulated, obviously haven’t been manipulated the right way. A good handy beats a waffle any day, although some men disagree. “A hand job is just a woman saying she can’t be bothered giving a blow job,” one man said, preferring not to leave his name.

Half-heartedness is certainly a common problem, according to Carlyle. Hand jobs have even earned the nasty moniker of being the embarrassing inbred cousin of the blow job. But that can change, she insists, and she’s proven it in her own life.

“I had a lover many years ago,” she claims, “who, after I learned these hand job techniques, said to me, ‘I couldn’t care less about intercourse, oral sex is OK, but it’s all about your hands. They can do so much more than a vagina, a mouth, even a butt can do.’”

High praise indeed, and not without clinical validation. According to studies, couples often complain about sex lacking variety. If missionary is all you feel comfortable doing, it’s no wonder nothing gets done around the house.

“That’s the frenulum,” you could say, “it’s my frickin’ G-spot.”

You can’t have quid pro quo without imagination, which is why women are learning new HJ techniques like “The Twist and Shout” and “The Tunnel of Love.” If Carlyle’s lover is any indication, you’ll get off and still have time for household chores—or even a full length movie.

As for those guys who still worry about “gorilla grips,” or the “dry claw parade,” a few online courses can solve that. Not that you couldn’t solve it yourself by opening your gob and telling her what is and isn’t working.

“That’s the frenulum,” you could say, “it’s my frickin’ G-spot.”

If you put in a little concerted effort, maybe both of you can enjoy yourselves and get the cleaning done at the same time.

I’m still worried waffle may have a double meaning.

You don’t even have to think of it as quid pro quo. Call it mutual support or having each other’s backs. Put your own spin on it. That way you won’t feel manipulated, and she won’t feel like a gorilla grabbing a meal.

The alternative is to be like David, bragging about getting dome and waffles without lifting a finger. I’m still worried about waffle having a double meaning. I’m sure David will fill me in. He’s obviously not lifting a finger doing anything else — except eating waffles.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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