No Sex Without The Fuzzies.

Some women have sexual provisos, others like sex more than rules.

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Courtesy of Dreamstime

Oh, no sir, buddy, I put out like an ATM.” Marley K

If it wasn’t for sex, we probably wouldn’t argue at all. Not that we wouldn’t have occasional disagreements — or possibly murders. But sex determines how we perceive each other. You can be a sweetheart, a jerk or even a murderer, and you’ll still be judged according to sex. Murderers can be quite sexy people. That’s how they get away with murder.

There’s a term called hybristophilia, a psychological condition where someone is aroused by the idea of someone committing a terrible act. Carole Ann Boone married Ted Bundy and even had his child. Elaine “Star” Burton planned to marry Charles Manson, until it was discovered she wanted to make money by displaying his corpse in LA after he died.

Sex must have played a role somewhere, even if it was connected to terrible acts. For the rest of us, we prefer more conventional sex. We want the fuzzies. Fuzzies are the feeling you get when someone does something nice for you — or to you — or both depending on how fuzzy you want to get.

When you see a guy pushing a stroller around Walgreens, he’s not just being a good father, he’s laying the groundwork for getting laid.

For many of us, sex and fuzzies form a reward system based on how we feel about someone at the time. As Marley K, on Medium, pointed out “I think the longer you’re with a person, the more you learn, the less you like them. Soooooo, I guess for some women it becomes a game of, ‘He did nice things today. I like him right now, I will screw him.’”

The equation seems to be: Likability = nookie. Relationships are guided by the “fuzzies.” When you see a guy pushing a stroller around Walgreens, he’s not just being a good father, he’s laying the groundwork for getting laid. The day that kid starts walking, Dad’s got a problem. He has to be pushing something. It’ right up there on the “fuzzie list.”

Depending on how well he pushes or cuts, life’s great, sex is great, and the lawns look great. Some men can keep this up for years. They practically “good deed” their wife’s brains out. Others sense the equation doesn’t swing both ways. That’s when hockey becomes popular.

Women can sense this. By the time the Eastern Finals come around, women practically hate their partners. It has nothing to do with the game itself. They simply can’t stand competition. The whole point of sex is getting things done. If men aren’t “good deeding,” they might as well be lamps.

As Marley K also pointed out: “When the warm fuzzies of the act are gone…she doesn’t like him again.”

Sexual provisos are everywhere these days. The “dos and don’ts” take up a large part of the relationship. We get this for this, that for that.

Minefields open up as pundits discredit some of the fuzzies, claiming they’re a “given” in the marital scenario. “Why are you giving him sex for taking out the garbage?” one guru asked. “It’s his garbage, too.”

Heads nod, eyes roll, suddenly the “good deed” list is getting shorter. Men search for a replacement, they put in a new sump pump. Gurus haven’t said anything bad about sump pumps so, hell, I’d better screw him.

The guy teaching his wife lay-ups in the driveway is being tactical. Participation = likability. You’ll be getting nookie until the snow falls. Then you’d better have a backup plan.

Sump pumps are a one shot deal, though. We men have to stay on our toes, sometimes replacing rain gutters that don’t need replacing. It pays to be industrious where sex is concerned.

The guy teaching his wife lay-ups in the driveway is being tactical. Participation = likability. You’ll be getting nookie until the snow falls. Then you’d better have a backup plan.

Some women vehemently disagree with this, of course. They never bought into the reward system of sex. For them, sex isn’t a by-product, it’s the product. The chores, the sump pump, the leaky gutters are incidental. Do them after you screw.

Women who admit they “put out like an ATM” simply don’t like rules or provisos . “Here’s an incentive,” one woman wrote me, “Put on some silk stockings, high heels and a skirt halfway up your ass and forget the fuzzies.” I told her I didn’t have the stockings, high heels or a skirt. “Me, you idiot!” she replied. A gender-specific emoji would help.

“For me, a ‘good deed’ is finding my g-spot with his finger. Long fingers are better than a long dick. That’s why I only date pianists.”

“You only ‘like’ your partner when he does stuff?” another woman wrote. “Are you serious? You probably hated the guy before you married him. For me, a ‘good deed’ is finding my g-spot with his finger. Long fingers are better than a long dick. That’s why I only date pianists.”

“I’ve looked at love from both sides now,” Joni Mitchell once sang, which isn’t a bad idea. Seen from the ATM perspective, sex remains fun because it doesn’t come with codicils. Simplicity is key. Without rules, likability is no longer sacred to the act. Things get done because you can’t be humping all the time. Cutting the lawn could be a good chance to recharge.

“We expect too much,” Marley K said in another message, “but we are trained to expect too much. Everywhere we turn you guys are presented as kings, princes, presidents and Fifty Shades of Grey. Books reinforce those stupid unattainable stereotypes.”

Certainly it would be nice if we were kings or took you up in a Lear jet once in a while, but most of us have neither the money nor the lineage. We go for rewards because we got diddley from our ancestors.

Perhaps it’s worth looking at “love from both sides,” as Joni Mitchell did. It was an excellent song, and true even to this day. We’ve become too absorbed by our self-centeredness. The guru yelling “Do what’s best for you,” probably hasn’t had sex since the 60s.

Ask any divorce lawyer and they’ll tell you couples act the same as networks. Even the term “irreconcilable differences,” is so networky it’s embarrassing.

Rather than emulating others, maybe it’s time for reflection. Does a man doing everything for you really make you happy? Could what you expect be more the construct of a television image than a real one?

Television shows get dumped when they’re ratings go down. Ask any divorce lawyer and they’ll tell you couples act the same as networks. Even the term “irreconcilable differences,” is so networky it’s embarrassing.

“We stayed married because we didn’t watch much television,” an elderly woman told me. “Our parents said, You marry, you work, you have kids. It was limited instruction.”

In her opinion, we’re giving too much credit to the “fuzzies.”

“Sure, my husband did nice things,” she said. “He wasn’t expecting anything back. He liked my smile. Cheap at any price, right?”

Maybe that’s what’s missing in today’s relationships. We put too much emphasis on quid pro quo and ATMs. Or maybe we’re worried what life would be like without the fuzzies. We might all end up as hybristophiliacs, thinking about murderous acts before the Eastern Finals even begin.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (soon in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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