Quarantine Advice: When The Going Gets Weird…
Remember, you’re your own best sex partner.
“People have a right to delude themselves.” Robert Ringer
It’s been a freakish week, first with Kate Gosselin’s kids moving back home, then the Ohio parishioner saying she can’t get the coronavirus because she’s “covered in Jesus’ blood.” This doesn’t bode well for Christians — or Kate Gosselin. By comparison, she’s looking pretty sane these days—certainly a lot saner than Trump’s new press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany. Even Mike Pence can’t keep a straight face around this woman.
He just got used to KellyAnne Conway. Like Conway, McEnany is a loyal-to-a-fault type. She recently told everyone to listen to Trump instead of those silly health officials.
McEnany hopes to stress this further at her first press conference — if she ever has one. Her predecessor, Stephanie Grisham, never held a formal briefing with reporters. McEnany claims she’s made of sterner stuff, evidenced by her defence of the president during an interview with CNN’s Chris Cuomo. “He [Trump] doesn’t lie,” she said. “The media lies.” That’s how you become a White House press secretary.
The New York City Department of Health, for instance, is suggesting masturbation. We are, after all, our safest sex partner. And it’s not like we’re booked.
It’s safe to say things have gotten out of hand in Washington. Certainly Dr. Fauci, renowned infectious disease expert, has a cooler head than most. But that’s only because McEnany hasn’t cornered him yet. When she does, she’ll probably tell him to shut up about pandemics and let Donald do the talking.
That’s how crazy it’s getting — and not just around the White House. City services are finding new ways to reduce the risks of coronavirus, starting with sex. The New York City Department of Health, for instance, is suggesting masturbation. We are, after all, our safest sex partner. And it’s not like we’re booked.
Besides, you never know where this corona virus will turn up next. In a recent report, the NYCDOH pointed out that “COVID-19 has been found in fecal matter, but not semen or vaginal fluid.” I don’t know if that’s a green light or a warning.
We’re in a period of readjustment, and obviously that leaves people disheartened and, frankly, a bit batty. During times of strife, humans generally get emotionally batty, like in ancient Roman, when citizens had no idea they were being invaded. They couldn’t tell the difference between a Coliseum gladiator and a Visigoth bringing down a battle ax on their silly heads.
Our problems may not be as severe, but it still leaves plenty of room for emotional battiness. Like the drug dealer in Hamilton, Ontario, who was fined for not being an essential service. Or the family in Ottawa who admitted they exposed their Bell Telephone technician to the coronavirus.
“Some people tell us they haven’t been out of the country. Then we find out they just got back from Spain a week ago. Why lose your place because you visited a highly infected country?”
“This isn’t the first time,” the technician’s union leader said. “Some people tell us they haven’t been out of the country. Then we find out they just got back from Spain a week ago.”
This struck at the very heart of social distancing, one side saying it’s inconsiderate, the other admitting they’d do the same thing. “How can anyone be at home for two months without internet?” they asked. “Hell, even prisons have wifi.”
It used to be you didn’t come between a man and his horse. Now it’s the internet. “What do we do with our kids?” people ask. They’ve relied on the internet and television to keep their children occupied. Now their kids are idiots.
Up until one month ago, parents could lay the blame on teachers. Now they’re realizing the fault may be their own. “I miss teachers so much,” cried Elizabeth Gallons of Moncton, New Brunswick. “I took them for granted all these years. Now I regret it.”
Gallons even sent handmade greeting cards to her kids’ teachers expressing how much she misses them.
“I got one of those and didn’t know what to make of it,” explained Kimberly Collins, who teaches Gallons’ youngest child. “It had ‘I miss you…’ in giant letters on the front and then when I opened it up it said ‘…being the reason my child doesn’t know how to do math.”
“…But sometimes kids are just dumb. Take my kid, for example. I don’t think it’s his teacher’s fault he’s a moron — it’s totally his dad’s.”
When asked if she thinks parents are mostly to blame, Gideon said, “For the most part, yes. But sometimes kids are just dumb. Take my kid, for example. I don’t think it’s his teacher’s fault he’s a moron — it’s totally his dad’s.”
Carla McKinnon, another mother and resident in nearby Saint John, decided she had to get out of the house with her kids. When the temperature climbed, she loaded them in the family minivan and headed for the beach. There she found dozens of cars doing the same thing.
“To be frank,” she said, “I was just mad so many people thought of my great idea before I did.” Rather than head back home, she decided to make a video berating these people. “All these idiots are ruining it for everyone else,” she cried on the video, forgetting — or ignoring — the irony that she’s one of those idiots.
By Sunday, her video had been shared over 5,000 times. McKinnon, a self-described social media enthusiast, explained its popularity. “Virtual signalling and selective outrage is very hot right now,” she said. “It aligns with the online identity I’ve been crafting for the last several years.”
“Oops,” McKinnon said to reporters, explaining again how virtual signalling and selective rage is really hot right now.
Well, sure, that works if you’re socially responsible. McKinnon was just mad and decided to vent with a video. Unfortunately, her popularity didn’t escape the notice of Mayor Higgs, who quickly closed New River Beach down completely.
“Oops,” McKinnon said to reporters, explaining again how virtual signalling and selective rage is really hot right now. Sometimes hits are more important. According to McKinnon, it’s the best part of social media. “You can really use it to score points,” she said, with some seriously pissed off kids sitting behind her.
Given the circumstances, perhaps we’re all allowed a certain amount of battiness. Even if it closes beaches and leaves teachers wondering why they’re getting nasty cards, at least it makes the days seem shorter.
For now, maybe we should forget the videos and nasty cards and concentrate on masturbating.
We’re occupying ourselves the best we can, and if that means being weird, hell, the whole world’s pretty weird right now. When Israel Health Minister Yaakov Litzman tested positive for COVID-19 after telling everyone it was “God’s revenge against homosexuals,” you have to wonder how weird things are going to get in the future.
For now, maybe we should forget the videos and nasty cards and concentrate on masturbating. We are our safest sex partner after all. That should be some comfort.
Again, it’s not like we’re booked. We’ve got time on our hands.
Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.
