“There’s a hole. Air gets in, it has to come out.” Captain Unfiltered
For those of you not familiar with queefing, or vaginal sneezes, or rollers, it’s just as Captain Unfiltered explains above. Air goes in, air goes out. One woman on Reddit described it as “a vaginal breeze,” meaning there’s no smell (which I suspect is why women get away with farting).
I’m going to take her word for it, since any sound I hear in the bedroom is typically my fault, and I know enough to run for the door.
But is it possible I’m being falsely accused?
After hearing these women fess up on Reddit, I’m starting to wonder if my wife’s more guilty than I’ve realized. She’s always turning the tables, so to speak, saying, “That was you.” Maybe she’s squeezing one out as we speak.
I can accept that, since we’re both human (or try to be)
What I can’t accept is what I’ll call “political queefing.” I doubt it’s even a term, but it should be. We need to address “political queefing” now before the whole country sounds like two labia flapping together.
Here’s my problem (among many)
How is it politicians can open their mouths, and all we get is air? Even on topics of serious national concern, air goes in, air goes out. As someone on Reddit explained, “It happens in yoga when you’re upside down.”
Is there more yoga inversion in politics than we realize?
I know aerial yoga, or asana, is popular these days. Could this be what politicians like South Carolina Republican Sen. Lindsay Graham are doing in their spare time? Standing on their heads?
I had to wonder the other day when he introduced a bill allowing abortions up to fifteen weeks. Wasn’t he — and all Republicans — supposed to stay schtum on the issue (since 63.8% of Americans support Roe vs Wade)?
Even Senate Opposition Leader, Mitch McConnell, tried to walk it back, saying abortion should be a state concern. That doesn’t exactly help, but neither does Mitch. He’s been queefing since he was a baby.
Then there’s the queefer of all queefers
You can’t beat Florida Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis for queefing worse than my wife. The other day, he sent two planeloads of migrants to Martha’s Vineyard. It’s sort of like when Fidel Castro rounded up Cuban undesirables and exported them to Miami. Except Fidel got rid of his riffraff. All DeSantis did was ditch people who typically do work Floridians hate doing.
And let’s not forget queefing on the airwaves
Have you ever listened to Candice Owens? She’s the activist turned silly person, who has her own show, coincidentally called “Candice.”
The other day she called Kim Kardashian a “prostitute,” and her mother Kris Jenner a “pimp.” This was after Ray J (Kim’s sex partner in their infamous tape) admitted Kris Jenner saw three versions of the sex tapes before selecting one for public consumption.
“Kim is nothing but a prostitute,” Candice said on her show, which is produced and broadcast by The Daily Wire. The network is owned by Farris Wilks, a fracking billionaire. Surely Candice understands that all talk show hosts are, by definition, “prostitutes,” especially if you work for a fracker, which rhymes with — well, you know what it rhymes with.
Finally, Royal queefing (leave it to the Brits)
British tabloids are notorious for turning anything “royal” into something unseemly. Following the Queen’s funeral the other day, they were aghast that (Prince) Harry and Meghan Markle were holding hands. As The Daily Mail reported, “They haven’t been able to keep their hands off each other since first going public with their relationship in 2017.”
Well, on a scale of one to ten — ten being really stupid — I’d say this is a ten. So they were holding hands? How many British royals have been caught holding something much worse?
Quite a few, believe me, including Prince Consort, Albert, back in his carefree days before Queen Victoria read him his rights.
But I digress, which usually means I’m out of stuff.
The fat lady, therefore, has hit her final note
As they say in opera, the fat lady’s sung, waddled off the stage, and is now doing her fair share of queefing (since learning what it is, I’m watching everyone like a hawk).
As for my own wife’s queefing, I’m sure it’s the yoga. Air goes in, air goes out. I guess I could say my “fluffing of the sheets” could be blamed on the same thing. At least I know I’m not as disgusting as Ron DeSantis or Candice Owens.
I can live with that. I can live with most things.
As Kurt Vonnegut once said, “I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.”
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If you’ve enjoyed my little missive, please consider subscribing. We do this for the love of writing, but it’s nice earning a few bob now and then. Supposedly, you can also tip. I’m not exactly sure how it works, but it’s an interesting idea.
Robert Cormack is a satirist, blogger and author of “You Can Lead A Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive).” You can join him every day by subscribing to firstname.lastname@example.org/subscription.