“Smells definitely do have a crazy impact on me.” Sarah Silverman
There’s a raunchy side to everything, even in the animal kingdom. Catnip, for instance, mimics a feline’s pheromones and triggers those receptors. It makes cats horny, in other words. Not all cats get horny, but the ones who don’t are usually coming out of relationships or called Mrs. Beasley.
Down in a Guatemalan jungle, the “We’re Too Primal for Primetime” scientists are giving late night viewers the shock of their lives. They sprayed Calvin Klein’s Obsession for Men on logs and got jaguars randy as all get out.
Jaguars sniff, rub up against the stumps, then scent all over it. A good cologne brings out the beast in all of us. Jaguars are no exception. Why languish in beastly beatitudes when you can get off on cologne?
Scientists didn’t have to go to Guatemala in the end. At the Bronx Zoo, cheetahs went after Obsession for Men like crazy, spending i a record 11.1 minutes rolling around in it. Considering their relatively short attention spans, this is record-breaking, and probably makes cheetahs wonder what goes into this cologne.
We wonder that, too. Our attention spans aren’t much better, and if it sends cheetahs into a prolonged “sex bend,” think what it’ll do to us.
It turns out they take secretions from a civet, an African and Asian wild cat, which turns cats into animals.
Cologne makers generally keep their recipes close to the vest, but Calvin Klein did reveal the ingredients to the scientists at the Bronx Zoo. It turns out they take secretions from a civet, an African and Asian wild cat, which turns cats into animals.
Cats have quite discerning palates. Like us with fine wines, it takes the right cologne to send jaguars and cheetahs into the mating dance.
The Bronx zoo tried 23 different scents. Estée Lauder’s “Beautiful” only detained cats for two seconds on average. Revlon’s “Charlie” lasted 15.5 seconds while Nina Ricci’s “L’Air du Temps” lasted 10.4 seconds.
Only Calvin Klein’s Obsession for Men sent cats into a sexual frenzy, drawing kudos and a few accusations of “spiking the pony,” a racing term where horses are doped to run faster.
No cheetahs ended up running faster on Obsession for Men, since they’re already the fastest animal on Earth. Besides, the whole purpose of the study was to get the animals horny, not running back to the Serengeti.
Anyway, colognes tempt the animal’s curiosity. Considering we’re all animals, we’re tempted as well. We’re goofy for a good scent. If it takes a civet to get our motors running, then a lot of civets are going to be milked — very likely against their will. Civets don’t care if we have sex or not.
When they’re [women] at their ovulating best, they like a good testosterone mix. This is when bad odours score big, whereas, if women aren’t ovulating, frankly, they think we stink.
Of course, we’re just fiddling here. Scents, by definition, attract each of us differently — just like they do with animals.
For instance, women are attracted to certain scents during their fertility cycles. When they’re at their ovulating best, they like a good testosterone mix. This is when bad odours score big, whereas, if women aren’t ovulating, frankly, they think we stink.
Animals don’t mind other animals stinking, since it tells them a lot. In every stink, hormones are at work.
Animals can deduce all sorts of things from that. If one cat is intent on eating another cat, the other cat will know soon enough through the scent. The worse an animals smells, the more likely it’ll make a meal out of you.
With human males, however, the more a man smells, the less likely he’s going to buy you a drink. These things are relative and worth keeping in mind. Good smelling men buy drinks, bad smelling ones drink beer and burp.
We’re constantly intrigued by scents, and not just the recipes perfume makers decide give us a sexual high. Civet musk is a powerful allure, but just because a jaguar gets jiggy doesn’t mean we should spend a bunch of money.
Rub a warm cinnamon roll over your body before sex, and you’ll bonk your brains out.
Many natural scents are just as alluring, and freakish inexpensive. Most can be found in your average supermarket. Cinnamon, for instance, increases penile flow more than any other scent. Rub a warm cinnamon roll over your body before sex, and you’ll bonk your brains out.
Thanksgiving may be the sexiest time of the year, since pumpkin pie contains vanilla and cinnamon, and both are aphrodisiacs. One study found that combining pumpkin pie with lavender increased penile blood flow by a whopping 40% and vaginal blood flow by 11%.
Men and women are both winners at Thanksgiving dinners.
These natural scents haven’t been tested on jaguars and cheetahs, a shame since these cats don’t want to spend a lot on colognes, either.
There’s also the possibility that animals, especially cats, pass by some scents without realizing how sexually stimulating these scents are.
I used to have a mint garden. Cats walked by it all the time, not realizing mint is renowned for giving females multiple orgasms. Possibly it works differently on cats. I doubt they want multiple orgasms, anyway. They’re already waking the whole neighbourhood when they have sex. If they have any more orgasms. they’ll either get doused with water or end up in the pound.
Pounds are full of orgasmic cats.
In any case scientists agree, scents contribute to our sexual stimulation. Whether you want to slather yourself with Obsession for Men, or rub your privates with a cinnamon bun, chemicals are waiting to turn your partner into a sex-crazed lunatic. They may not realize they’re sex-crazed at the time, but if they get doused with water, they’ll figure it out.
With further experiments, we might discover that jungle cats might also enjoy mint tea or cinnamon buns.
It’s also likely those scientists down in Guatemala — and The Bronx Zoo — have only scratched the surface here. With further experiments, we might discover that jungle cats also enjoy mint tea or cinnamon buns.
Keep in mind, felines have a sense of smell 14 times what we have (supposedly, elephants are even better sniffers). This heightened sense suggests we might learn a lot from our feline and pachyderm friends.
If a cat — or an elephant — is falling all over themselves because of a plant, bush or tree, we need to make a cologne out of it. Olives are real turn-ons to cats. How many olive colognes are out there? Have we tried them out on elephants or cheetahs or jaguars?
Animals could be our best source for colognes, taking the pressure off The Kardashians and Taylor Swift.
Animals could be our best source for finding and marketing colognes, taking the pressure off The Kardashians and Taylor Swift. It costs a lot less getting an endorsement from a cheetah, believe me. In fact, by the time they’ve finished rolling around in the stuff, they don’t care what you pay them.
We certainly know Kylie Kardashian is in it for the money. Why give her more millions when she doesn’t have near the sniffing power of, say, a cheetah? Wouldn’t you rather wear a cologne called “Cheetahstruck”?
It might make a few antelope nervous, but think what’s going through some people’s minds when they see Kylie and Kim’s new fragrance “KKW.”
Sounds like an acronym for Ku Klux Women.
That’s going to make a lot of people nervous.
That’s going to make a lot of people nervous.Robert Cormack is a novelist, children’s book author and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available on line and at most major bookstores. Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.