Sex, Lies And Video Games.

Why singles today would rather halo than bump uglies.

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Courtesy of Dreamstime

Video games and porn don’t expect anything from you.” Girls Ask Guys

We used to be the scavengers of porn, dumpster divers going through the neighbour’s garbage. You turned up an old Playboyand ran to the woods. The woods were full of boys with old Playboys. The worst loser was a kid who found a Playgirlinstead, and ran to the woods, anyway. He’s now a female impersonator in Bogotá with more wigs than RuPaul.

I remember my first dumpster Playboy. I snuck it homeand threw darts at a Barbie Benton centerfold. I regretted it for years afterwards. Or I did until I saw her at Hugh Hefner’s last birthday party. Now I’d like to apologize to Barbie publically. Those darts really did a number on her.

Dumpsters were never an easy way to get porn. Not like today when just Googling “porn” turns up hundreds of sites with names like YouJizz and Thumbzilla. A six-year-old with rudimentary typing skills can access these sites, taking in more nakedness than any six-year-old needs.

It’s just too easy, and when something’s easy, needless to say, we do it too much. That’s a problem, a corrupting influence, and like all corrupting influences, we have to stop before we ruin ourselves and our woodlands.

I’ve been a pizza delivery boy. I was never invited inside for a threesome. The only woman who came to the door in a towel was 200 pounds, and clearly trying to blind me.

“Both porn and religion distort a person’s perspectives on women,” Jesse Dangerously wrote. Well, sure, religion distorts everyone’s perspective. Porn is a different story. It’s just too farfetched. I’ve been a pizza delivery boy. I was never invited inside for a threesome. The only woman who came to the door in a towel was 200 pounds, and clearly trying to blind me.

Porn is a lie, but it’s a billion dollar lie, along with the other lies told through religion, dating sites and video games. We lie about sex the same way our religious forefathers lied about sin. It’s supposedly a healthy way to deal with life, even if more and more people are staying home to do it.

Lies allow us to think we’re having more fun playing Candy Crush than bumping uglies.

I hadn’t heard the term “bumping uglies.” It appears to be a pejorative relating to people who don’t fit into the “dick buffet” or “pussy party” category. I hadn’t heard these terms either, but it’s interesting that both dating sites and porn appear to have both.

He later added: “To be fair, it was a deliberate choice to drop a dick-ton of money on my first gaming computer and it was fucking worth it.”

Video games are regarded as “pussy or dick neutralizers.” Gamers, it seems, prefer to “fap” with their computers, occasionally adding porn to show they have a social life.

“Can confirm I’m a 29-year-old virgin,” someone wrote on Reddit. “Two more months, then I can buy a wizard hat and cloak.” He later added: “To be fair, it was a deliberate choice to drop a dick-ton of money on my first gaming computer and it was fucking worth it.”

“My PC never gives me shit for not calling it,” was one response.

Your PC may not give you shit, but it isn’t equipped to satisfy you sexually, either. The visuals are there, the words, the heavy breathing, but you still have to do a lot yourself.

It’s a lie, in other words, what psychologist’s call “intimacy avoidance.” This makes you a social freak who admits to being a virgin at 29 years of age.

If you’re spending an inordinate amount of time with Tikki and Mr. Coffee, intimacy isn’t your only problem. You’ve entered the world of “you doing you,” meaning you have no “agro,” but you also write shit like “NGL (not gonna lie) I heart divas, I need to find me one. I’m not greedy.”

According to Ryne Sherman, associate professor of psychology at Florida Atlantic University, 15 percent of American 20–24-year-olds have never had penetration sex at all.

This is what’s known as a “fantasy lie,” a common occurrence making millennials in particular a shrinking sex pool.

According to Ryne Sherman, associate professor of psychology at Florida Atlantic University, 15 percent of American 20–24-year-olds have never had penetration sex at all. My generation (boomers) were at 6 percent.

Besides the prospect of declining birth rates, millennials who are interested in sex or relationships are basically failing at both.

Womenhave become inordinately picky, believing those hundreds of responses to their profiles online indicate a virtual herd of prospects.

“Why should I settle?” they say, which is now replacing self-help books and dancercise classes. Gone are the days of personal improvement. You can get by just thinking you’re great.

As one woman explained: “My girlfriend and I were by the pool and she’s saying, ‘Why can’t I have someone like your Chris? I deserve it.’ Well, bitch, you might if you lost, like 20 pounds.”

“We grew up with our parents warning us about AIDs and getting girls pregnant and ruining our lives,” someone wrote in an online discussion. “No wonder we’re on our phones and our tablets. They’re the only safe places.”

When other millennials tell you they can’t afford a car, and owning a home is a fantasy, you don’t care because you already have those things — they’re just in your parents’ name.

It certainly explains why your parents don’t mind you still living in the basement. When other millennials tell you they can’t afford a car, and owning a home is a fantasy, you don’t care because you already have those things — they’re just in your parents’ name.

Even porn can be explained, as one guy wrote: “My parents know what I’m doing, even if they don’t approve. It’s cheaper than me going on a date, spending money I don’t have, trying to get a piece of ass.”

Staying at home, fapping with friends online, it’s the “modern mirage.” Why go out there in the cold, cruel world? Your experiences may be limited. Then again, what are you missing?

If you’d rather “halo,” it’s understandable, but not necessarily healthy. There was a song back in the sixties, written by Jonathan King, called “Everyone’s Gone To the Moon.” In the third verse, he made a prediction that could still come true: “Arms that can only lift a spoon, everyone’s gone to the moon.”

And if you’re “doing you” you’re not doing anybody else. Eventually your biggest lie is you’re happy.

Video games, porn — even online dating — may not expect anything of you. It still doesn’t mean you shouldn’t expect more of yourself. The day your arms can “only lift a spoon” is the day voice recognition could be helpful, but it won’t make dating, or jerking off any easier.

And if you’re “doing you” you’re not doing anybody else. Eventually your biggest lie is you’re happy. Happiness is being out there in the world, talking and, yes, having sex.

We had a saying back in my day, too: “I’m gonna hate myself in the morning if I have to love myself tonight.”

It’s one truth my generation still believes.

At least we can still lift a spoon.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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