Can The Battle Of The Sexes Be Won With A Box of Spiders?

Or is it more like a fight over Pampers in a Walmart?

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Courtesy of Dreamstime

For the record, if there is a war between the sexes, men can win it instantly with a box of spiders.” Clint Irwin

I’ve never been a fan of “small penis jokes.” If feminists want to attack me, that’s fine, but they don’t have to take it out on my penis. He didn’t start this war between the sexes. If anything, he’s been a strong supporter of women, and an even stronger supporter of sex.

I only bring this up because “small penis jokes” are the lowest form of mockery. We mock when all reasonable discussion has failed. It’s still no excuse for making fun of our private parts. We’re all going to end up shaving and plucking ourselves silly just to get on the scoreboard.

He also pointed out that women hold 65% of the country’s wealth, suggesting women not only hold their own wealth, they hold a lot of men’s wealth as well.

Tucker Carlson went on a tear one night, saying the feminist movement’s statistics mean nothing. How do you arrive at 80 percent of women earning less than their male counterparts? Any number of reasons could be given for this, including maternity leaves, staying in a job too long, clerical jobs, or spending too many hours complaining about working too many hours.

He also pointed out that women hold 65% of the country’s wealth, suggesting women not only hold their own wealth, they hold a lot of men’s wealth as well. I’d call this outrageous, but my ex-wife owns 20% of my wealth.

And, boy, once ol’ Carlson got going, statistics were flying all over the place. From the Department of Health and Human Services, he quoted men’s suicide rates being 4.6 times higher than women. From The National Centre for Health Statistics, men’s life expectancy is seven year’s shorter.

Some rape themselves silly between real wars.

For a guy who doesn’t believe in statistics, he sure uses a lot of them, and feminists are just as ready to throw some back. Researchers must be having nightmares. Imagine if The Battle of the Sexes turns to real war. What are statisticians going to do? Probably shave and pluck like the rest of us.

One of my readers took issue with my article “Is Rape Just Bad Sex?” She sent me some truly disturbing figures. These were worldwide numbers, and that’s a problem in itself, since it’s an averaging, and some countries are far worse rapists than others. Some rape themselves silly between real wars.

With so much acrimony flying around (and “small penis jokes”), it’s no wonder a public service campaign came out called: #DontMancriminate.

One features Brad Pitt with a patch over his mouth, saying: “When we don’t discriminate against a pussy, why do you?” Underneath is: “Small dick, Big Dick, Fat dick.” Why does it always come down to dicks? Is this really what the gender war is all about? It seems we can’t pluck fast enough.

To me, it’s like watching women fight over the last Pampers in Walmart, or the last 80-inch flat screen on sale. They won’t fight over a 12 inch dick, but 80 inches of Oprah is worth kicking off the flip flops.

A review of Walmart surveillance tapes shows an absurd number of women willing to scratch, punch and pull hair in the name of justice.

Extreme feminists are saying “This is a time limited offer,” and that’s the kicker. The minute women hear that, they become Social Justice Warriors (SJW). A review of Walmart surveillance tapes shows an absurd number of women willing to scratch, punch and pull hair in the name of justice.

Women say men are prone to violence, and the real battle today is our Neanderthal ways and the fact we can’t accept women as equals. Men strike back, saying feminism is “quiet violence,” a kind of creepy sentient labeling that allows women’s groups at the University of Southern California to be gender specific, but similar men’s groups have been banned.

This isn’t equality, it’s sneaky, and men hate sneaky. They’ve been brought up to believe Communism is sneaky, politicians are sneaky — even Walmart is sneaky. Walmart has outed more women prone to violence with their “while supplies last” than any other institution.

“Starfish is the worst,” another wrote. “In the lesbian community, this is referred to as a pillow princess.”

Men strike back on the Internet, relating experiences that can only be described as sneaky. “They cheat on you and when you cheat back,” one man wrote, “they take your clothes, your car and your cat. Then they want you back, and when you go back, they become starfish in bed.”

“Starfish is the worst,” another wrote. “In the lesbian community, this is referred to as a pillow princess.”

“A man was arrested and convicted of necrophilia,” someone else wrote. “The judge said to him, ‘You disgusting pervert. Before sentencing, do you have anything to say on your own behalf?’ ‘Your honor, how could I know she was dead? I thought she was from Nebraska.’”

It’s hard to imagine men and women finding common ground, especially with guys like Rush Limbaugh saying, “Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream.”

We’re all taking jabs, potshots, and bitch slaps, calling relationships, relationshits, or what one woman described as “a hall of shouts.” Is this a tremor of war, or is it predicated on the actions of a few, magnified over the Internet to suggest we’re all generally pissed and pronouncing?

I kill the spider, you kill your mother. Somehow a partnership was formed and mothers were nervous.

When Clint Irwin sent me: “For the record, if there is a war between the sexes, men can win it instantly with a box of spiders,” I laughed because it reminded me that we’re all still men and women. Our foibles used to kept us together and interested. I kill the spider, you kill your mother. Somehow a partnership was formed and mother-in-laws started drinking from the tap.

When Camille Paglia claimed “Feminism is dead,” I don’t think she meant the ideal as much as the transmission. We’ve all been transmitting in the form of statistics and the occasional “small dick joke.” Our pent up frustration is obvious but not necessarily constructive.

Lydia Lunch said: “I used to think feminism was a liberating force — now I see many of those people are just censors under a different name.” That’s true as well, but I don’t think characters like Rush Limbaugh are any less guilty.

If anything, we’ve all behaved like a Walmart sale. Men like 80-inch flat screens, too. We may not go for the hair like women, but we’re also not above visiting the gun department first, then going for the TV.

A woman without her flip flops around a few thousand spiders is worse than Rush Limbaugh.

We’re warriors afterall. If we’re offended by “small dick jokes” and “pillow princesses,” having a firearm handy can be comforting, if not a deal breaker.

Then again, there are always spiders. Walmart should consider training a few thousand, releasing them when the hair-pulling starts. A woman without her flip flops around a few thousand spiders is worse than Rush Limbaugh.

Unless there’s a husband around. Then it’s stomp the spiders, run out with the TV and everything works out. Teamwork. Gender neutrality. Oprah and sex with a case of beer and a few wine coolers.

Yes, Cliff, spiders may be the answer. At least in Walmart where there’s always a sale, and the skies are not cloudy all day.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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