Sex With a Yodeling Pickle.

Is vegetable sex okay if it ends up in the salad later?

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Courtesy of Dreamstime

Why did the tomato blush? He saw the salad dressing.” Anonymous

What’s the deal with this vegetable sex thing? Not that I’m passing judgment (okay, I am), but surely there’s a limit. There has to be a limit. The whole evolution of the human race is predicated on us not being stupid with our food.

It used to take a lot to grow vegetables. People respected the effort. They didn’t go around shoving cucumbers up their, well, you know (or maybe they did, maybe when the knights went off on their crusades, women got jiggy with all kinds of tuberous stuff that never made it in the history books).

Or maybe we haven’t checked out hieroglyphics closely enough. It’s possible all kinds of vegetable sex was going on during ancient times. Perhaps the evidence disappeared with rot, while stuff like crockery hung around. Were our ancient forefathers (and foremothers) having more fun with crockery?

She went so far as to put bees in a gourd, creating the first vibrator. In a sense, that may be the original vegetable sex, since nobody’s found a better use for gourds.

From a strictly historical perspective (something you don’t get much of these days with people wondering what history is, since it’s not a sitcom), the first dildos supposedly go back to the Upper Paleolithic era (10,000 years B.C.) whereas others credit Cleopatra ( 54 B.C.). Being the inventive—and horny— woman she was— she put bees in a gourd, creating the first vibrator. Maybe that was the original vegetable sex, since nobody’s found a better use for gourds.

Vegetables have certainly crept into our sexual nomenclature, surpassing what could be called “singular sex” or “desperate sex.” At any rate, some follks have gotten downright wanton, creating everything from “cuke-ing” with a cucumber to turning a banana into a “masturbation sleeve.”

I know, I know, bananas are fruits (actually herbs), but I couldn’t ignore the “masturbation sleeve” since it takes a lot of ingenuity to get the banana out and the penis in. I’ll leave it to your imagination how this works (one hint: you can’t just hollow out a banana. Enough said…really, enough said).

It doesn’t bother me that people use the occasional carrot or yam to pleasure themselves, but it seems creativity and lack of modesty know no bounds. I haven’t heard of anyone taking on an eggplant, but it’ll crop up somewhere. If you can hollow out a Vlasic, an eggplant isn’t far off. Even Cleopatra might have tried pickles before gourds, although bees were a nice addition.

Which brings me to the subject of pickles, and not the Vlasics. In my research, an individual admitted to Emma McGowan, an editor with Bustle, that she once had sex with a yodeling pickle. It wasn’t a pickle at all. More like a gag gift which, in a moment of passion, she used as a dildo.

Well of course it kept yodeling. It’s a gag gift. If it stopped yodeling, it wouldn’t be a gag gift. It’d be a fake pickle.

“Didn’t think to take the batteries out,” she said. “It kept yodeling.”

Well of course it kept yodeling. It’s a gag gift. If it stopped yodeling, it wouldn’t be a gag gift. It’d be a fake pickle.

Besides, wouldn’t yodeling set off alarms, seeing as nobody typically yodels in the bedroom (not even the Swiss), and hearing it — even in muffled form — would have attracted any number of Swiss walking the streets, looking for other Swiss, or the equivalent of Swiss, which there isn’t. They’d be desperate to find another yodeler. Even a masturbating one.

I’m more amazed this person kept going with the yodels echoing through her uterus. All it takes is a minute to pull out two batteries. Either she was very horny, or simply didn’t care if people thought she was Swiss.

That’s organic masturbation for you. People see a vegetable I guess giving them that come-hither look and the next thing you know, they’re embroiled in a self-gratifying party, ending with a warm salad.

This was confirmed by another woman who took on a giant zucchini and learned how to squirt in the process. As she recalls, it was “quite a day of firsts,” not to mention eating the zucchini afterwards.

“Being a broke grad student had its shameful moments,” she said.

“Don’t use Ben Gay or Vicks Vaporub,” she said, cautioning all readers to avoid mentholated products, even if you’re foraging around in the medicine cabinet at two in the morning, drunk on wine coolers.

Not to be outdone, a guy confessed to hollowing out a zucchini during one of those lonely Friday nights when everyone else was actually having sex. Unfortunately for this guy—and supposedly thousands of men who end up in Emergency for the same thing—he used Ben Gay for lube.

“Nearly fried my dick,” he said, leaving the editor of Bustle wondering how invention turns to ignorance—and vice versa, if we’re telling the truth here.

“Don’t use Ben Gay or Vicks Vaporub,” she responded, cautioning all readers to avoid mentholated products, even if you’re foraging around in the medicine cabinet at two in the morning, drunk on wine coolers.

The weirdest vegetable ever used in my humble opinion was found on Reddit, and involved using radishes for anal balls. “String three or four together and it works like a charm,” someone wrote, causing one reader to respond that “it better not end up in a salad or veggie shake afterwards.”

At some point you have to use common sense, although if you’re ready to use Ben Gay, you may think anal ball radishes can be washed and turned into decorative roses. We all had “shameful moments” at grad school and our definition of spoilage might differ from the general population.

“What kinda audition is this?” she’d said to the director, but her shock and dismay disappeared after she got off the phone with her friend. Holding up the squash, she asked “Wanna cuddle?”

Anyway, none of this should be mentioned outside of Reddit and Quora, but occasionally it does, making the censor boards nervous as hell. In cities across America, censor boards are trying to keep a lid on vegetable pervs, despite even worse pervs, like politicians, claiming inalienable rights. The get a pass while vegetable pervs get shut down faster than you can say potato.

PETA, for instance, had a commercial banned from the Super Bowl. It features a girl on the phone, describing to a friend how she was asked to stick a squash down in her nether region during an audition. Her shock and dismay surprisingly disappeared after she got off the phone. Holding up the squash, she asked it in a coquettish way: “Wanna cuddle?”

It sounds innocuous on the surface, but Super Bowl crowds aren’t ready to talk openly about vegetable sex. Neither are farmers (who sometimes watch sports, and have been since Green Acres went off the air). They work hard to bring produce to market, and don’t appreciate hearing “vegetable” and “sex” in the same sentence being glorified on television.

Maybe it shouldn’t be glorified period. We’re trying to encourage good nutrition, meaning orally — not vaginally or anally. It’s not like agricultural boards need to popularize vegetables. Veganism is growing. Good nutrition is growing. Why sully this popularity with tales of organic masturbation?

Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau once said “The government has no business in the bedrooms of the nation,” a good rule of thumb for everyone — and not just bedrooms. People shouldn’t be judged in their own homes period, but they should be willing to judge themselves.

At some point you have to accept the fact that it isn’t a cute little experiment anymore. You’re banging that zucchini three times a week. That’s more than anyone likes warm salads.

If, as Woody Allen said, “I’m gonna hate myself in the morning if I have to love myself tonight,” that goes double if you’re manhandling (or womanhandling) a squash or giant zucchini. At some point you have to accept the fact that it isn’t a cute little experiment anymore. You’re banging that zucchini three times a week. That’s more than anyone likes warm salads.

And just like the internet is making us social cripples, eventually vegetable sex will do the same thing. We won’t be able to handle criticism, because that eggplant or radish never criticized. We won’t exercise because that carrot never told us to get off our asses. Eventually we won’t be able to handle any criticism or fat joke because we can just run back to the crisper.

Nobody else should know, meaning stay off Reddit. Someone could put two and two together, and realize you’ve got way more radishes around the house than, well, anybody.

We have to accept vegetables for what they are, inanimate objects that can’t love, respect or fulfill our needs. Asking a squash if it wants to cuddle doesn’t make you considerate. Neither does turning a radish into a decorative rose. You know where it’s been. Nobody else should know, meaning stop mentioning it on Reddit. Someone could put two and two together, and realize you’ve got way more radishes around the house than, well, anybody.

If you’re going to find pleasure in the arms of a cucumber — or any vegetable — do the deed, then get out there. Be with people. Tell a few jokes like, “Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.”

They’ve served you well. Now it’s time to serve them well.

Everyone makes fun of vegetables. It shows you’re human. You need that right now. You’ve done terrible things to produce. Now you’ve got to make it right. Do it for the squash, the yam, the avocado. They’ve served you well. Now it’s time to serve them well.

A cobb salad, for instance. Or maybe one of those Mediterranean jobs sprinkled with Parmesan. What vegetable would say no to that?

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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