Stop Chasing Cougars.

Why bother when jaguars are practically giving it away?

Image for post
Image for post
Courtesy of Dreamstime

A man who guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.” Lucille Ball

If you’re ready to go “off the chain” in the sex or romance department, don’t settle for cougars. They only act like they’re interested in younger guys. What you really want are jaguars. These self-sufficient, young boomers are more vivacious, flirty and stable than their cougar counterparts.

This is the general consensus of the Purple Pill Debate, which suggests that women with experience simply do a better job at pleasing men than their younger counterparts. Even the older men admit jaguars are better than cougars and absolute monsters in bed.

Are the old dudes grabbing these monsters? “I’ve been with jaguars and pumas,” one man explained. “Once you get the whole idea of ‘old hags’ out of your head, it’s surprising how exciting sex can be.”

Strangely, that’s what jaguars think, too, only they’re not waving their money around like those old guys. They’re waving themselves around, and some young men are so besotted, they’re saying “What’s a few wrinkles?”

“Cougars try coming across as all worldly and stuff,” one guy wrote on Quora. “They’re really just trying to regain their youth.”

It seems jags are making quite the impression — and not just because they’re practically giving it away. Young men like how genuine jaguars are compared to cougars. “Cougars try coming across as all worldly and stuff,” one guy wrote on Quora. “They’re really just trying to regain their youth.”

Jags, on the other hand, aren’t so much regaining youth as having fun with adult cradle robbing. “There’s a gleeful rush like you’re getting away with something,” a jaguar posted. “It’s like you’ve put your age on hold.”

Perhaps it’s more philosophical, or as one jag on reddit put it, “What’s the best thing about sex after 50? Forgetfulness.”

Levity plays an interesting role in the jaguar’s popularity. They generally hate political correctness and often have worse potty mouths than their dates. Men in any age group like that — or at least appreciate it. They can relax and be themselves, something they can’t do with cougars who tend to take themselves too seriously.

Being uninhibited also translates into better sex. “I’d rather bang a woman who can take a joke,” a guy wrote: “It’s like I’m talking to a funky aunt. I don’t have a funky aunt, but I can relate.”

When one guy described a jaguar on Reddit as “opening a grilled cheese sandwich,” another wrote back, “Have you ever opened a cold cheese sandwich, dude?”

So can a lot of men who don’t have funky aunts. They’re even ready to defend funky aunts from ridicule and comparison. When one guy described a jaguar on Reddit as “opening a grilled cheese sandwich,” another wrote back, “Have you ever opened a cold cheese sandwich, dude?”

Instead of feeling embarrassed, some men are actually proud of dating jags. “Young men nowadays probably recognize that older women are adept at diligently juggling many responsibilities,” Sam Owen, psychologist says. “It makes them a more secure option.”

That may be it, or they just like banging jags who, in turn, like banging them back. A study by Trinity College Dublin showed that 60 percent of women over 50 are having regular sex — some more than twice a week.

No wonder older guys call jaguars “monsters in bed.” You have to be young to keep up with these cats, and it doesn’t hurt if you’re handsome.

Jaguars like good looking toy boys, which might explain the dating site toyboywarehouse.com. You don’t become a warehouse selling to a small niche marketplace.

You can’t swing a bottle of Jagermeister without hitting a veritable honey hole of young men looking for a good time.

Women go here for stock and variety, much the way men go to the Pro Bass shops. Numbers matter just like sex matters. Fortunately toy boys aren’t a declining species. You can’t swing a bottle of Jagermeister without hitting a veritable honey hole of young men looking for a good time.

So, okay, sure, it’s nice that young men recognize a woman who can “diligently juggle many responsibilities,” but c’mon, is that really what’s going through their toy boy brains? The fact that these monsters are healthy, active, frisky and ready to “pump the chump” twice a week — if not twice a night — says something about what men really want.

Obviously, it isn’t listening to twenty-somethings who expect to be eternally happy wearing pink the rest of their lives, or cougars trying to regain part of their youth. Jaguars are past that. They prefer screwing a lot.

Not that screwing toy boys doesn’t have its issues. There’s always “the mommy card,” one woman admitted, which some jaguars find a bit disconcerting. “When a young guy says, ‘My mom loves that, too,’ I just pray he’s talking about my whiskey and not the anal we just had.”

Jags are in limited supply, and young men seem to be hunting them like there’s still a no kill limit.

The other problem — if you want to call it that — is the uneven numbers on dating sites these days. Jags are in limited supply, and young men seem to be hunting them like there’s still a no kill limit.

As one man pointed out, “It’s like trying to nail a ten-point buck in a state with more Weatherbys than pickups.” When you stand a 50–50 chance of getting shot yourself, you look for other places to hunt.

“Where else can I meet these jaguars?” another man asked, and was told they generally like mountainous or wooded areas.

“Check out J-Swipe,” someone responded. “I’m not even Jewish, but it’s filled with attractive older women. Also check out wine bars, especially ones near Whole Foods. Lots of vapidity there. I got a DD last night.”

Just so you’re up on the terminology, DD is the acronym of “definite doink,” meaning someone you’re guaranteed to have sex with. Successful DDing means you’re jag worthy and not a “born creeper.”

They don’t necessarily have to read Nietzsche, but they should have brains enough not to ask for college tuition on the first date.

Jags aren’t big on creepers, preferring men with substantive looks and interests. They don’t necessarily have to read Nietzsche, but they should have brains enough not to ask for college tuition on the first date.

There’s also a fine line dividing creepers from reasonable prospects, which begins and ends with calling a jag an older woman (which I apologize for and might get slapped across the head any minute).

“We’re called mature,” a jaguar wrote, which was quickly followed by an anthropologist jag who might be taking things a bit too far. “Watch out for me. I am fierce. I will bite your head open and scramble your brains. You will enjoy it while I am around, but after I throw you away you are likely to die of sorrow, so avoid me if you care about the quality of the rest of your life.”

If this is her Tinder or Bumble profile, she might get banned for being either threatening or a disguised cougar. Some cougars parade as jaguars just for the attention. Others talk smack, saying things like, “She’s had so much work done, she’s selling herself as social plastic.”

Actually, cougars get more work done than jaguars. According to The American Society of Plastic Surgeons, the average age for getting plumped or Botoxed is 39. By the time cougars are jaguars, they’ve already been back for regular “fill ups,” making them the most filled up generation since plastic surgery became more popular than groupons.

As trainer, Alex Jouravlev, pointed out, “I know a few women over 50 who can provide you with a free face augmentation and teeth reduction should you call them that.”

Cougars may have more miles ahead of them, but for flat out attitude, jags have it hands down. One was quoted saying, “I look a lot younger lying down.” Since lying down is all part of a jag’s modus operandi, sure they look good, and they don’t particularly appreciate being called “the olds.”

As trainer, Alex Jouravlev, pointed out, “I know a few women over 50 who can provide you with a free face augmentation and teeth reduction should you call them that.”

Watch your terminology, in other words. Fun is fun. Just don’t think there aren’t any rules. Jags have lots of rules. One of them is respecting age. They didn’t get to be monsters in bed reading comics.

Call them “early boomers” or “mature females” and you’ll get your DDs. Call them “over the hill” and they’ll mess you up. You want to stay jag worthy. Even older Purple Pill Debaters will tell you “Jags are the bomb.”

Stick to calling them “bombs” and you’ll be fine.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

Written by

I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store