Stupid Things We Do For Love.

One of these days, aliens will come along and figure we either died from saline, tattoo ink, or Denny’s.

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Courtesy of Dreamstime.

Right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.” Chris Rock

There are two kinds of people in this world, those who enjoy being stupid and those trying not to be stupid. The first usually have tattoos, a clear indication they’re fine with who they are. The second have tattoos, but say they were a mistake.

Ryan Reynolds has one of a cannon. He admits it was a mistake. He doesn’t even like cannons. “People treat tattoos like bumper stickers for their bodies,” Reynolds said. Bumper stickers are mistakes, too.

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity,” Albert Einstein claimed, “and I’m not sure about the former.”

Once tattoo machines came along, every Tom, Dick and Harriet was sporting some testament of love.

Einstein never had a tattoo, but Queen Victoria did. It was all the rage in the 1880s and many aristocrats and royals, including Winston Churchill’s mother, got themselves inked. Once tattoo machines came along, every Tom, Dick and Harriet was sporting some testament of love. The aristocrats lost interest and went back to needlepoint and writing bad poetry.

Einstein said he wouldn’t get “inked” until he understood the universe, which is one way to avoid tattoos.

Not everyone who gets inked is necessarily stupid. Some just make unfortunate decisions. I’m sure Queen Victoria would have traded hers for a Corgi. They’re cute dogs, and far cuter than, say, a heart tattoo. By the time you’re in your seventies, it’s going to look like a collapsed lung.

One of the most successful television shows right now is “Botched,” which premiered back in 2014. It follows two plastic surgeons, Terry Dubrow and Paul Nassif, as they “try to undo surgeries that have gone wrong.” One show will convince you some plastic surgeons should have been tattooists.

Breast implants seem to dominate “Botched,” many looking like they tried to make a run for it. Much crying occurs, and much sympathy, until the patient asks if Dubrow and Nassif can make her breasts even larger.

She figured she had a whole storehouse of fat just waiting to be turned into big beautiful breasts. Like heart tattoos, they’ll eventually look like collapsed lungs, too.

Often women want their fat redistributed to their breasts, which isn’t an enviable task. “Fat isn’t that easy to manage,” Dubrow told one patient, which really sucked for her. She figured she had a whole storehouse of fat just waiting to be turned into big beautiful breasts. Like heart tattoos, they’ll eventually look like collapsed lungs, too.

So what makes us so proud of our tattoos, fake breasts and fat? Why would a woman on a dating site, who clearly has fake breasts, plumped lips and God know what else, say in her profile that she’s “looking for a man who’s real”? Is there something in our gene pool that blocks irony?

Frank Zappa once summarized “I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.”

Are we building or just adding to bad infrastructure?

Psychologists contend we’re not doing anything new. Back in early Egyptian times, people got fat hoping to live off the excess during droughts. This added weight made women’s breasts more attractive to men, enlarging what men of the time sought for procreation and the occasional house party.

“Breast enhancement is a primal form of attracting a mate,” one psychologist explained. He also pointed out that some males in Africa still enlarge their testicles with saline.

This is supposed to make women horny. I think women would be more impressed with a Ferrari , but tradition is tradition, and Ferraris aren’t really an option in these parts of Africa. That leaves enlarged testicles.

Love removes “social shackles,” and we love doing stupid things when the only person who matters is being just as stupid.

A question was posted on Quora asking: “Why do people do stupid stuff when they’re in love?” One respondent said: “It’s the one thing that separates true lovers from fake ones.”

Love removes “social shackles,” and we love doing stupid things when the only person who matters is being just as stupid. You could say it’s like a bonding agent. Perhaps it’s a need to wear matching sweaters.

When asked if we should hate stupid people, the general consensus is we shouldn’t. They’re obviously in love — even if it’s with a tattoo, liposuction, breast augmentation or a Harvey’s Whopper.

If we weren’t in love, we’d end up actually thinking, which may explain why we’re stupid in the first place. Are we that dumb or simply focused on something that makes us seem dumb?

Not having to think makes us comfortable. We can relax, concentrating on our next tattoo or what’s on the menu at Denny’s.

The length and breadth of distractions these days certainly supports the latter. It’s why people fall down open manholes while texting, and why we can’t even do simple division. Computers, social media, online dating all contribute to making us dumbasses.

We love stupidity, in other words, because we love distractions. Not having to think makes us comfortable. We can relax, concentrating on our next tattoo or what’s on the menu at Denny’s.

Distractions are a worldwide phenomenon. Even in some far-flung place in Africa, someone’s finding a mate — or at least an admirer — by enlarging their testicles with saline.

We’re simply not satisfied with survival, which is borne out by the amount of personal debt we carry. Banks say the average household spends more than it makes. Millennials especially could retire broke, having no real estate or other investments.

Will the day come when all tattoos will look like collapsed lungs, and Denny’s will be the leading cause of national debt?

Without calling them stupid outright, banks are raising the issue while raising interest rates. That seems rather foolish, but it’s how banking has been done since tattoos were created with pointed sticks and mallets.

The question is, can we continue being mindless? Will the day come when all tattoos will look like collapsed lungs, and Denny’s will be the leading cause of national debt?

It’s nice to have distractions, but we could also be seen by future generations as really dense. That’s if we have future generations. Some futurists believe we’re only a few million tattoos and breast implants away from our own extinction. “Here we are watching glaciers and whales,” one scientist said, “when we should be watching ourselves.”

“We’ve seen some crazy things,” Dubrow said in an interview, which keeps “Botched” on the air.

We definitely should watch ourselves. It’s one thing to say we did it for love, another to realize our bodies have more ink than the local newspaper, and some breasts need babysitters. “We’ve seen some crazy things,” Dubrow said in an interview, which keeps “Botched” on the air.

The question is, what’ll keep us on this earth? Dinosaurs existed for millions of years. We’ll be lucky to last another thousand. Can we save ourselves? Or will our remains be found by aliens searching for intelligent life forms? “We saw some crazy shit,” they’ll report back to their superiors. “Humans seemed to like tattoos, breast implants and nose rings. It must have killed them”

“Sounds pretty weenie.”

“That’s what I was thinking.”

Robert Cormack is a novelist, humorist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon & Schuster for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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