Talking Dirty.

Here’s how you can make yourself sponge worthy.

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Courtesy of Dreamstime

I like sincerity. I lack sincerity.” Kurt Cobain

We all remember the saying “Eyes are the window to the soul.” It sounds poetic, but it’s wrong. Forget the eyes. The real “windows to our soul” are words. Nothing defines who — or what we are — like the words we use.

As with sex, if you’re simply going through the motions, of course it’s lousy. You can’t just be there. Even talking dirty requires vulnerability and sincerity. Otherwise you’re just cussing in bed.

Remember the Seinfeld episode when Jerry’s date starts talking dirty, and he tries to get in the act by saying, “You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?” Is he incapable of dirty talk? Or is the judge right when he jails Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer for their complete disregard for people.

Elaine won’t go to bed with one guy until he can prove he’s “sponge worthy.” George gets out of every relationship by saying, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Whether it’s complete disregard, or they’re just shallow, words — especially when it comes to sex — show how insincere they really are.

Elaine won’t go to bed with one guy until he can prove he’s “sponge worthy.” George gets out of every relationship by saying, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Kramer stops Jerry and Elaine from smacking each other by saying, “Don’t you see you love each other?” — as if they’re even capable of love.

It doesn’t take a comedy series to show what insincere words are doing to our relationships. They trip us up every time. We go for expected words, making us all sound like what George Orwell described as “cuttlefish squirting out ink.”

One woman tweeted the other day: “Talking is like having sex. It’s not that hard to do. It’s just hard to find someone to pay for it.”

Maybe that’s our biggest problem. We think talking and sex are easy. Sincerity isn’t an issue until someone like Kramer says, “You stink.”

I was reading a marketing seminar piece the other day. The writer wanted to draw attention to what he thought was a brilliant line: “Consumers don’t buy products, they buy an extension of themselves.”

Will they overlook the fact that you’re a phony? Nope. Once the novelty wears off, they’ll ditch you like an old Chevy.

Well, a sleek sports car may be an extension of yourself, but it doesn’t make you any less of a phony. Will women stop and stare? Probably. Will they overlook the fact that you’re a phony? Nope. Once the novelty wears off, they’ll ditch you like an old Chevy.

Cars, clothes, technology — none of these things will make us “sponge worthy” if we’re not sponge worthy in the first place. Neither will phony words. Using words we think sound sincere won’t cut it if they aren’t sincere.

Think back to that last episode of Seinfeld. As they’re leaving the courtroom, Elaine says to Puddy, “Don’t wait for me.”

Puddy shrugs and says, “Okay.”

Puddy’s response is caused by two things: One, they’re both phonies; two, losing a phony to the prison system doesn’t take a lot out of you.

When we write or talk insincerely, we’re essentially saying “Don’t wait for me.” Of course the person is going to say “Okay.”

Except for the diapers part, she’s as phony as everyone else. She’s lucky she gets “Hey.”

On dating sites today, they estimate 70 percent of people copy each other’s profiles. The same sentiments appear again and again: “I’m not looking for Prince Charming. I just want someone who understands me and will treat me with respect. I’ll do the same for him.”

That’s fine if the person doesn’t care if you’re a plagiarist, but what about people who do? Why would they respond to the woman who copied the profile above, adding “Please don’t send me: ‘Hey there, good looking,’ or ‘How’s it goin’, babe?’ I’m not here to change your diapers.”

Except for the diapers part, she’s as phony as everyone else. She’s lucky she gets “Hey.”

There’s a wonderful adage about sex: If you want good head, it doesn’t hurt to give good head. We’re a reciprocal society. Demanding what you’re not willing to give makes you either a pure capitalist or a Kardashian.

The same holds true when someone writes “Does it actually matter what I write here?” posting a picture while leaving the profile blank. On one hand, she’s right. Pictures get four times as many responses as how people describe themselves. On the other hand, giving up on words altogether could limit her respondents to the non-verbalists — which could include a few primates (a twenty word vocabulary is all you need on Twitter).

And just as Kramer accuses Jerry of being an “anti-dentite” because Jerry thinks Tim, his dentist, converted to Judaism for the jokes, this woman could be seen as an “anti-wordite,” like Elaine using “yada, yada.”

Nobody tells her she’s terrible — not because she’s their boss — but because she’s shallow.

As one episode of Seinfeld demonstrated, those who “yada yada” skip over things, like how many partners they’ve had or their prison history.

Remember the office party where Elaine decides to start the dancing off? She’s a terrible dancer. Nobody tells her she’s terrible — not because she’s their boss — but because she’s shallow.

We let shallow people keep dancing, just like we let insincere people keep writing insincere words or thinking they’re great in bed. If we’re not telling them about their dancing or their writing, why admit their crazy monkey sex isn’t worth a banana?

Have you ever wondered how two people can tell the same joke and only one is funny? We had a client once who needed a speech. He asked our account director to write it because he was funny. The speech bombed. The client blamed the account director. It never occurred to him that humour requires sincerity. The account guy had it, the client didn’t.

You can’t transfer sincerity, but you can develop your own. All it takes is some introspection and a little honesty. Maybe a lot of honesty. Maybe you have to go back and find out where you went wrong, because something is definitely wrong if you say, “I’m worth a lot more than ‘Hi, there, I think you’re cute.’”

They also think their time is so valuable, they shouldn’t have to read platitudes, which is funny since all they write are platitudes.

Are you cute? Usually the people complaining about short comments aren’t cute at all. They also think their time is so valuable, they shouldn’t have to read platitudes, which is funny since all they write are platitudes.

At some point, you have to ask yourself, “If my messages aren’t genuine, why should I expect more from somebody else?”

If you find that too hard to do, keep dancing, keep buying sports cars and, sure, keep having what you think is crazy monkey sex.

Nobody’s going to tell you you’re lousy, or a phony or not worth a banana.

And I doubt they’ll be waiting for you to get out of prison, either.

Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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