“Ride me like a carnival pony” Someone’s girlfriend.
“Don’t people talk anymore when they’re naked?” Audrey Bath, asked, which must have earned her a few raspberries. Relentless daters never ask this question. They figure everyone talks when they’re naked.
Those who don’t are usually married. Married people don’t engage in a lot of naked talk. They might mention a mole that needs looking at. Or urban planning. Married people discuss urban planning like bandits.
This is a shame, since urban planning is boring, and talking while you’re naked (hopefully with someone else) is very healthy. Experts claim this is because we’re all wired to a cerebral g-spot. We can’t actually touch it, so words do it for us. The cerebral g-spot works pretty much like any g-spot. Hit the right note and it’ll send hormones flying all over the place.
Maybe that’s why married people don’t talk during sex. They don’t want things flying all over the place. Especially hormones — or whatever hormones do. Yet hormones, stimulate our brains in very sexy ways, so talking, and hitting that g-spot, intensifies sex like you wouldn’t believe.
Your partner might already be grossed out by you mentioning Caligula, or they don’t know who Caligula is, in which case, they’ll spend the evening looking up twisted Roman Emperors.
That’s not to say talking while you’re both naked is easy. Delivery is important, but so are the words. Use the wrong ones and you’ll end up with a bottle of Astrogel shoved up your nose.
Our sexual response mechanisms are all wired differently. A moan might work on some, others require more detail than “Caligula.” You can’t just approach sex talk willy nilly. Your partner might already be grossed out by you mentioning Caligula, or they don’t know who Caligula is, in which case, they’ll spend the evening looking up twisted Roman Emperors.
This is why technique is so important. For best results, you should be facing each other — or at least in the same room. Shouting through the wall, “You dirty slut” isn’t intimate at all, especially if you’re sharing the house with other people. They might all be dirty sluts.
Sex talk, in other words, has more pitfalls and pratfalls than a G7 summit. Get it wrong and you’ll sound like the biggest duffus on the planet.
Men have a larger hypothalamus, for instance. This doesn’t give you bragging rights necessarily. Like the penis, bigger isn’t always better.
Let’s take the example of Leonard on “The Big Bang Theory.” He and his girlfriend, Priya, who’s moved back to India, decide to have an erotic Facetime evening. Leonard starts off well enough with “You’re a dirty girl,” but then adds, “a filthy, disgusting girl.” Being erotic and being overly adjectival are two different things — especially when one of you is in India.
What we’re discussing here is sensory activation. Our brains are complicated. There’s also a difference between men’s and women’s brains. Men have a larger hypothalamus, for instance. This doesn’t give you bragging rights necessarily. Like the penis, bigger isn’t always better.
The preoptic area, according to a study published in the journal Hormone Research, is actually two times larger in men than women. It circulates testosterone, which is a good thing unless you’re thinking about urban planning, while your partner’s imagining flowers and little birds.
The trick is finding common ground. Topics could include fantasy play or the merits of an erotic film. Maybe you throw in “Did you see the size of that guy’s package?” Anything that stimulates sex is good, unless your partner can’t get off the size of that guy’s package. Then you discuss urban planning.
There might even be g-spots in their scalps, which would explain why they’re always getting their hair done.
Now, obviously, some of you are going to cry foul here. You’ve already found her g-spot, and you certainly weren’t sticking a finger in her ear when she screamed, “My God, you found my g-spot!”
So maybe there are two g-spots, or maybe women have g-spots all over their bodies. There might even be g-spots in their scalps, which would explain why they’re always getting their hair done.
But right now we’re talking about the g-spot between their ears. This is a biggy. “Women are more auditory and men are more visual,” April Masini, relationship expert, noted. “Talking dirty can enhance sex because it’s another layer of sexual behaviour beyond physical acts.”
“Talk, talk, talk, guys,” Francesca Anderson wrote me after reading my article “Rules of Foreplay.” She went on to say, “The right words can make her pop off — with no physical contact at all — if you know how.”
You’d do better saying, “Ride me like Phantom’s Revenge or The Cyclone.”
So what is “knowing how”? What are the words that turn otherwise shy women into roaring tigresses? For that, I went on one of the social forums. Right off the bat, stock phrases came up like, “I’m your little slut,” or “Give it to me hard.” These rose like red-eyed centurions back in Caligula’s time.
“Ride me like a carnival pony,” was a little odd since all the pony does is go up and down on a pole. You can get that at any strip club. You’d do better saying, “Ride me like Phantom’s Revenge or The Cyclone.”
One guy wrote: “My girl has recently started saying, ‘Pound me like the Confederacy pounded the Union at the Battle of Chancellorsville.’ I don’t really get the reference, but I got harder. Kinda weird, but she’s a history major, and seeing her get revved up gets me going, too.”
How can you notget the reference? The woman’s giving you a history lesson while you bang her. Maybe you got wood because you’re a bigger history buff than you realize. In any case, your girlfriend’s a keeper.
Another wrote: “I had a girl call me daddy…it was not pleasant.” Someone wrote back, “Yeah, it kinda weirded me out as well.”
Nothing ruins a night of sex like the SPCA showing up at your door, demanding to inspect the chicken.
Sex talk can take us many places, but apparently, terms like “choke my chicken” can be interpreted differently by each party. You might want to discuss sexual aphorisms first before you discover your partner is an animal activist and reports you to the SPCA. Nothing ruins a night of sex like the SPCA showing up at your door, demanding to inspect the chicken.
We all have words that send us to the moon — or at least looking for more towels. Personally, I wouldn’t mind hearing “I love a man who knows the classics.” Then again, I wouldn’t kick a woman out of bed for mentioning The Battle of Chancellorsville. It was a hell of a battle.
And, to the women out there, stop saying “The right words can make her pop off…if you know how.” That suggests your partner is supposed to know how. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. Isn’t it better to point him in the right direction rather than sticking a bottle of Astrogel up his nose?
As Elton John once said: “People should be very free with sex, but they should draw the line at goats.”
Sex is as much fun as you make it. If talking dirty helps, why be shy? As Elton John once said: “People should be very free with sex, but they should draw the line at goats.” That goes without saying. We should all draw the line at goats — including goats.
Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.