The Nonsense of Evolution.
We could end up living back in the sea, coming up occasionally to feed our cats.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”Milton Berle
When Charles Darwin first published The Origin of the Speciesin 1859, he avoided discussing man’s evolution from apes. It was a sticky subject, and he left it to his friend and biologist, Thomas Henry Huxley, to defend his postulation at the British Association for the Advancement of Science in 1860. Bishop Samuel Wilberforce got in the best line of the day, asking Huxley if apes were on his grandmother’s or grandfather’s side.
Darwin followed the Lamarckian belief that alterations in human design occur through excessive use. The fact that we stand up supposedly relates to early humans trying to reach for fruit. Others suggest it was easier to scratch our privates. Many animals, in fact, stand up to scratch their privates, including gophers. These rodents do other things excessively like dig holes and call each other at all hours. Maybe we’ve evolved from them.
Excessive use might also explain why our penises are longer now than they were in primitive times, or it could be the invention of the toilet. Despite rumors to the contrary, we hate to miss the bowl.
Judging from the positions we see on the screen, as Pratchett said, “It doesn’t take much to make us flip back into monkeys again.”
Terry Pratchett said he preferred evolution to biblical belief, since it’s more logical, especially if you’ve ever watched pornography. Judging from the positions we see on the screen, as Pratchett said, “It doesn’t take much to make us flip back into monkeys again.”
According to Darwin, evolution is the process of things being passed down through familial traits, which suggests that everything we are today comes from our ancestor’s excessiveness. Again, looking at pornography, if a guy has a 14 inch penis, that represents centuries of pulling at it like a church bell rope. It’s possible all “stick men” were bellringers at one time.
Pat Buchanan, former White House advisor and columnist, says parents have a right to insist that “godless evolution not be taught to their children.” First of all, evolution, by definition, has to be godless. Otherwise we’d just say God designed us in his image, so of course we walk upright—and point a lot.
Buchanan also doesn’t think seeking justice for journalist, Jamal Khashoggi, is wise, since Saudi Arabia just promised to spend $450 billion on American armaments which, if past experience is any indication, could end up being used on Americans. Pat Buchanan writes a lot. I think evolution will prove itself in the future when generations of Buchanans are keyboards.
“If evolution is true, then God created evolution,” which is like saying, if I can scratch my balls, then obviously, God wants me to scratch my balls.
Ann Coulter, whackadoodle columnist, claims that evolution should “join the roster of other discredited religions.” Her own religion has been discredited tons of times, but Ann figures that’s okay. Besides, as she says, “If evolution is true, then God created evolution,” which is like saying, if I can scratch my balls, then obviously, God wants me to scratch my balls.
Ben Bernanke, former head of the Federal Reserve, simplified evolution even further by saying, “Physical beauty is evolution’s way of assuring us that some people have far fewer intestinal parasites than others.” Ann Coulter disagrees. She says intestinal parasites haven’t affected her beauty one bit.
I can see why Darwin didn’t like discussing evolution in public. There’s something truly disturbing about evolving from primates. At the same time, one trip to Walmart should convince us we haven’t evolved that much. We may have actually devolved. For instance, no chimp would fight over an 80-inch Sanyo TV unless it was showing a special on bananas. Throw a banana into any equation and primates — and some humans — will fight to the death.
Paleontologists would argue that every creature has transformed to meet the rigors of its environment. Back in the Mesozoic period, crocodiles ran around like dogs. Since lots of smaller dinosaurs did the same thing, crocodiles took to the water, developing a breathing system that allowed them to submerge for up to 2 hours. They could just as easily have eaten small dinosaurs, but crocodiles still exist, and small dinosaurs don’t, so who’s smarter?
The only reason we lost body hair was because it got hot in caves. That’s why women have less body hair than men.
We met the rigors of our environment by standing upright, throwing stuff and discovering fire. The only reason we lost body hair was because it got hot in caves. That’s why women have less body hair than men. They stayed in caves more than men, and eventually sewed animal skins together because, when they did go outside, they froze their asses off. Men donned animal skins so women wouldn’t accuse them of acting macho all the time.
When people deny evolution, or call it godless, you have to wonder what they think animals do all day. They’re constantly transforming themselves. Take cats, for instance. Once the fiercest predators of the Pleistocene Epoch (about 10,000 years ago), they adapted, learning they could survive quite comfortably looking cute and playing with a catnip ball.
Humans, on the other hand, still engage in wars, back stabbing, political suicide and gross exaggeration. It’s really just a sophisticated form of what our primate ancestors did, except we talk more and feed cats. We feed dogs, too, or anything cute. When we see a sign at a zoo saying “Please don’t feed the animals,’ we don’t understand this at all. We have to feed anything that’s cute. Our cats taught us that, then our dogs, then Snoopy.
So, okay, some of us haven’t evolved the way we’d hoped (or God hoped), but we have made amazing strides. We just landed a new probe on Mars, which is a vast red planet with little hope of ever being populated. Some scientists claim it could be full of minerals. Given what we’ve spent going to Mars, it’s hard to imagine how extracting those minerals will be profitable.
The Great Wall of China is an architectural miracle. Trump’s wall looks like something you’d put around a scrap yard.
It could be said that we’ve evolved into dreamers, going to desolate planets, even worse, going to Walmart, and building walls. President Trumps said he knows how to build walls. The Great Wall of China is an architectural miracle. Trump’s wall looks like something you’d put around a scrap yard.
If Ann Coulter wants to say God created evolution, I’m inclined to believe her. From what I saw of the last American primaries, we’ve all essentially evolved into Pat Buchanans and Ann Coulters. I also wouldn’t be surprised if we eventually take to the water like crocodiles. I’m practising in my bathtub now. I can stay under almost two minutes.
I can’t wait for Trump to say, “I’m not worried about climate change. Believe me, I can stay underwater longer than anyone.” He’ll have to if he keeps denying environmental reports and rising sea levels.
We’ll eventually move back to the seas, coming up occasionally to make sure our cats are fed.
Maybe that’s the next stage in our evolution. We’ll eventually move back to the seas, coming up occasionally to make sure our cats are fed. They may survive us all and evolve into a whole new species. They’re smart enough.
We, on the other hand, are dumb enough to let them.
Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.
