The Rise of Plague Porn
If Twerking Butt takes our minds off our present state of affairs, who cares if it’s real or a vibration — or a robot?
“If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” Stephen Stills
I didn’t know what “plague porn” was until I saw it in an article the other day. “We’re basically relegated to plague porn and Cheetos until this stupid pandemic is over,” someone wrote, cleverly combining two staples found in the bedrooms of underaged boys. I was intrigued, mostly because I still like Cheetos and porn is porn, regardless of what adjective you stick in front of it.
To me, anything’s plague porn if it’s sexual these days. That’s if we’re even thinking about sex. Most of us are too busy hoarding toilet paper, eating Lean Cuisine over the sink, or brushing our teeth during Westworld.
As I understand it, though, sex during a pandemic has led to some interesting discoveries, one being (believe it or not) teledildonics. I guess I can’t say “discovery” since teledildonics has been around for years. Essentially, it’s you and your partner being able to stimulate each other using an android phone.
It seems you can kiss, touch each other’s genitals, and all sorts of things through vibrations your phone makes already. If vibrations are all it takes, I’m wondering if I can be left alone with my electric toothbrush. I mean, if this pandemic goes on beyond July, it won’t be my electric toothbrush anymore. We’ll be engaged.
According to a British Study, it’s not only an option, it’s often a preferred one. At least a third of males on dating sites never go on a date.
I’m not sure this rises to the level of “free use,” another term I’ve never heard of before. If I understand “free use” correctly, it seems any vibrating gizmo can be used sexually—and freely—with any partner you choose.
That’s if you have a partner. If you don’t, you can always go online and “free use” to your heart’s content without leaving your bedroom. For some people, according to a British Study, it’s not only an option, it’s often a preferred one. At least a third of males on dating sites these days never go on a date (well, chalk one up for the Kleenex industry).
That in itself is pretty freaky, but let’s not blame them — or ourselves. Technology has expanded what we call “sensual experiences,” allowing us to choose between the “real thing” and the “battery-operated thing.”
For instance, can we blame the guy on Reddit who asked the other day: “Should I play Red Dead Redemption 2 or play with my GF’s boobs?”
It’s a tough decision to make in these uncertain times, evidenced by a response by MiseryLovesMisery who said: “RDR2 every time.”
Seriously? Has real sex become a secondary way of getting off? I remember in my childhood years when I promised myself — and ten other boys — that if I ever had sex, I wouldn’t stop until I was blind. I’ve kept that promise to a certain extent. I’m not blind, but I do need glasses.
They want a steady diet of teledildonic sex.
I’m actually quite happy with traditional sex. Not that I can’t imagine including “free use,” “edging” and even “aftercare.” They make sense if you want to spice up your relationship or just wander a bit.
Unfortunately, it seems that’s not enough for some people. They want a steady diet of teledildonic sex. According to another British study, nine percent of British women have vibrators connected to their smartphones. These take on names like Lovense or Inmi, provocative titles allowing women to have long-distance sex without sharing bodily fluids.
At the same time (and for the same reason), men have internet-connected fleshlights like Lelo and Kiroo. They claim these can be used individually or in partner play, but who’s kidding who? It’s what you do when you’ve finished Red Dead Redemption and don’t have a girlfriend.
Then again, if you want to add teledildonics to your now exorbitant porn- watching habits, PornHub has the Twerking Butt, giving you twerking patterns and 98.6 degrees of body heat in case you’re big on realism.
When YouGov did a recent survey, they found that one in five (22%) of Americans would consider having sex with a robot.
My question now is, have we reached the point where the rise of the machines is giving us a rise as well? Let’s remember we’re still in isolation, and our leaders are telling us there’s no going back to “normal” anytime soon.
Our present survival patterns, including how they relate to sex, may stay with us for a long time. And don’t think teledildonics isn’t changing our way of thinking, either. We’re transitioning, as they say, and that includes another entry in plague sex: robots. Yes, folks, robotics is hitting the bedroom.
When YouGov did a recent survey, they found that one in five (22%) of Americans would consider having sex with a robot. That’s six percent higher than the national rate in 2017, the last time they asked these questions.
Now, here’s where it gets interesting. In the same study, they asked people if they thought paying a sex robot could be considered prostitution? Only one in six (17%) thought it would be, while nearly half the study group (48%) didn’t consider it prostitution at all.
In other words, throw a few machines in our sexual mix — quarantine or no quarantine — and we’re all over it.
What social distancing has done is make us more aware of the possibilities, and let’s face it, pandemics can bring out the hedonist in all of us. If a machine wants to prostitute itself, who are we to judge? In such desperate times, any governor in any state would consider an artificial “handie” preferable to us joining some lockdown protest or running around Walmart maskless.
We like easy, and we like gizmos that bring us off.
It also points to our acceptance of technology overall. Anything that makes our lives easier or expansive is okay with us. We like easy, and we like gizmos that bring us off.
Think of Woody Allen, back in 1973, with his Orgasmatron. Comedic, sure, but we had to start somewhere with robots. Who would have thought an orgasm-inducing cubicle would one day lead to Inmi and Twerking Butt? Or that we’d see a clear division between generations, particularly with the 18–34-year-olds, 32 percent of whom would jump a robot in a heartbeat.
This isn’t just acceptance, folks. Imagine how many people have developed a dependence on Alexa or Siri. Raj Koothrappali, on The Big Bang was smitten from the start, even dreaming of showing up at her office with flowers.
Sure, they can help you find restaurants — or your car keys — but there’s a sexual side, too, possibly more sexual than we’re willing to admit. Vocal stimulation is a powerful thing, especially if you’ve already got an internet-connected device ready to bring you to a boil.
Besides, if Twerking Butt takes our minds off our present state of affairs, who cares if it’s real or a vibration — or a robot?
During these pandemic times, we’re also thinking about safety, and, yes, people (42 percent) feel sex with a robot is definitely safer than sex with a human being. Besides, if Twerking Butt takes our minds off our present state of affairs, who cares if it’s real or a vibration—or a robot?
That’s not to say we’re all going to “hit it and quit it” with something mechanical. Some of us still believe in the real deal. But if the real deal isn’t available—or nonexistent—we can at least make use of a robot until things open up again. That’s if things open up again.
Some people aren’t waiting. They’re jumping on the robot movement now, seeing it as the future of sex (or at least supplementary) According to YouGov’s February study, one in two Americans say using robots for sex will become a commonly accepted practice within the next 50 years.
I expect it could be sooner. Until then, I’m weighing my options. I don’t want to be in the “first wave,” so to speak. Then again,I don’t want to be left behind, either. If it’s robots and teledildonics, I’m at least going to check out the catalogues.
There are catalogues, right? I don’t want just any old robot.
Robert Cormack is a novelist, satirist, and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive) is available through Skyhorse Press. You can read Robert’s other articles and stories at robertcormack.net
