Things To Do When You’re Dead.

If the universe, including us, is energy, life on Earth may be a pit stop.

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My only fear is coming back reincarnated.” Tupac Shakur

Socrates said energy is separate from matter, and the universe is pure energy. It was pretty heady stuff at the time, since nobody knew what energy was (it could be a rabbit, which Socrates didn’t dispute since rabbits are energy).

Athenians eventually tried Socrates for being confusing and sentenced him to death. When asked to propose his own punishment, he suggested giving him free dinners for the rest of his life.

Socrates was poisoned instead, since Athenians didn’t find him particularly funny, and were pretty sure he was giving them the raspberry. Plato and Aristophanes disputed this, saying Socrates was giving them the finger.

Atoms are just energy waves, sort of a force field or miniature tornado.

Some sixteen hundred years later, Sir Isaac Newton came along with his own theory after getting hit on the head by an apple. He claimed this proved there’s only matter. All medical science is based on Newton getting hit on the head. If you’re not happy with your healthcare provider — blame Newton.

New science today is back to Socrates’ way of thinking. They now believe in quantum physics, which is the workings of the atom. Atoms are just energy waves, sort of a force field or miniature tornado.

We’re little tornados, in other words. Every cell in our body is a battery with positive and negative energy. Each one has about 1.4 volts of energy. Since we’ve got 50 trillion cells, it amounts to about 700 trillion volts.

It’s what the Chinese call “chi” which they use for “hands on healing.” Chinese medicine involves a lot of electricity. Ours involves a lot of drugs. We’d be much healthier throwing our energy around more, but pharmaceutical companies don’t like that one bit. The day we start using energy instead of drugs is the day they can’t do commercials with long disclaimers.

If you have a bad feeling about somebody (like the Athenians had about Socrates), your cells are going kabluey.

Here’s the real point about atoms and cells and little tornados. As energetic as they are, they can be harmonious or destructive. All atoms, when they meet, either synch up or go kabluey.

If you have a bad feeling about somebody (like the Athenians had about Socrates), your cells are going kabluey. President Trump makes everyone’s cells go batshit crazy, which is the same as kabluey, but Trump supporters prefer being batshit crazy.

When we get along with someone, our cells are harmonious. The wavelengths actually join and become stronger. When cells don’t link, the waves fight each other, commonly known as “bad mojo.”

International relations are particularly bad right now because Trump’s cells don’t get along with anyone’s cells — including Melania’s. She’s on her way to being batshit crazy.

They don’t care if you’re in a relationship or not, they want your 700 trillion volts — even if it’s in a motel.

So how does all this relate to your death? Well, cells, harmonious or not, don’t die. In fact, they draw on other energy and light. They’re like little solar panels waiting to get on the grid.

The tingling you get when you’re in love? That’s your cells dealing with all kinds of wavelengths. You’re radiating energy which makes you attractive to other people. They don’t care if you’re in a relationship or not, they want your 700 trillion volts — even if it’s in a motel.

That’s why quantum physicists believe we don’t actually die (unless we’re caught in a motel). Energy is always renewing and recharging itself. When our bodies give out, being disposable matter, our energy is free to do whatever it wants. Indian cultures believe in reincarnation for this very reason.

Cattle, for instance, are revered because they may be reincarnated rishis. On the other hand, they might also be reincarnated telemarketers. Revering telemarketers is almost as bad as giving them your credit card number. That’s why North Americans continue to eat beef.

In a nutshell, dying isn’t the end as much as the beginning. You could come back as a telemarketer, in which case, you’ll have to find a place to live (not easy in New Delhi). On the other hand, you could come back as the next Michael Jackson and have to decide if you want to wear a glove or not.

The good news is, we won’t be seeing Trump again — or the Republican party. Paul Ryan and Mitch Mitchell will probably end up in drainage ditch somewhere on Alpha 5.

So much depends on energy and wavelengths. If you’ve spent your life putting out good energy, maybe you’ll be the next Michael Jackson. Bad energy? Probably a Pepsi. You saw what happened to Jackson when he did a Pepsi commercial. His hair caught on fire. That’s bad energy meeting good energy. It’s hell on singers and dancers — not to mention afros.

If bad energy begets bad energy, maybe that’s the whole idea of heaven and hell. Aldous Huxley once said: “This world could be another planet’s hell.” If that’s true, we may be accepting bad energy from other planets while our good energy is going to another galaxy.

The lucky ones won’t be seeing Trump again — or the Republican party. Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell will probably end up in a drainage ditch somewhere on Alpha 5.

“We have mortally wounded this sweet life-supporting planet,” Kurt Vonnegut said, “the only one in the whole Milky Way — with a century of transportation whoopee.” That in itself could decide our next stop in the universe. Good energy doesn’t count for much if we use it polluting the world. Our next reincarnation could be an oil spill.

Evangelists will come back as evangelists, terrorists will come back as terrorists. Their fate is putting up with their own company for the next thousand years.

Based on this notion, cyclists stand a good chance of coming back as Michael Jackson, drivers of SUVs as Charles Manson or Pretty Boy Floyd. Evangelists will come back as evangelists, terrorists will come back as terrorists. Their fate is putting up with their own company for the next thousand years.

Which brings me to things you should do when you’re dead. First of all, if you come back as a evangelist or a terrorist or a telemarketer, you need to clean up your act, starting with knowing you’re coming back as something despicable. Also lose weight. Being despicable and overweight is just wrong.

If you think your energy is positive, and you’ve done positive things, you’ll probably end up in another galaxy, in which case, you might bump into Elon Musk and a bunch of people who aren’t even dead yet.

Call it reincarnation or divine destiny, we’ve all got 700 trillion volts that have to go somewhere—besides McDonalds.

Another theory is that energy is non-directional. It could take you to Mars or the Gobi desert. You won’t know the difference, except for the camels. Ending up in the Gobi is a sure sign you were a telemarketer.

Given what we know about cells and energy, it stands to reason we have many more lifetimes ahead of us. Call it reincarnation or divine destiny, we’re talking 700 trillion volts that have to go somewhere—besides McDonalds.

Where exactly, is anybody’s guess, but losing weight is a good start.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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