This Is How Little We Know About Women.
There’s a simple question few men can answer and even fewer can explain.
“Women are made to be loved, not understood.” Oscar Wilde
Today I’d like to talk about one of the most confusing areas of humanity: women. I don’t approach this subject lightly. I’ve done my research and concluded that men, despite years of experience and some bloodletting, are ignorant of a women’s needs and desires. This can be proven by asking men one simple question: What’s your partner’s favourite sexual position?
Don’t laugh. Men are profoundly unaware of their partner’s favourite sexual position. They know what their partner doesn’t like, or won’t do, or will take out a restraining order if you every try doing it again.
So how is it we don’t know the answer? We’ve had sex enough times, we’re intimate, thoughtful. Shouldn’t something like this be on the tips of our tongues? Unfortunately it’s not, or fortunately it’s not. Talking about it has resulted in any number of restraining orders and skunk eyes.
In fact, it’s a popular belief that “missionary” refers to missionaries who take vows of celibacy.
To show how confusing this is, let’s start with a British study, involving 300 male respondents between the ages of eighteen and ninety-four. Each was asked their partner’s favourite sexual position. Forty-three percent said, “Whatever works,” 20 percent said, “missionary,” and the rest left it blank, fearing recrimination or not being able to spell “missionary.”
It should be noted here that Brits are an odd lot. While both men (27%) and women (35%) listed “missionary” as their favourite position, a whopping 56 percent admitted they had no sex at all, which is troubling and sad, but understandable, since it’s a popular belief among Brits that “missionary” refers to missionaries taking vows of celibacy.
If we’re going to argue semantics here, most daily acts that don’t include sex could be called “missionary,” including brushing the cat. People who own a lot of cats don’t tend to be very sexual, and Brits like cats, or at least they like them more than sex, which could mean they barely like cats.
In terms of where Brits have sex, a study by Ann Summers showed a shocking 12 percent have done it in their parents’ bed, while 64 percent admitted to doing it on the sofa in front of the TV. Sometimes, the only way to have sex in your parents’ bed is if your parents are having sex on the sofa.
Women don’t actually have favourite sexual positions. If forced to give an answer, they’ll say “missionary,” or get really crazy and say “doggy style.”
This still doesn’t answer why men don’t know their partner’s favourite sexual position. Women know their man’s favourite sexual position. They’ve said “no” to it so many times, it’s ridiculous. The only conclusion we can draw is that, either men are stupid, or women change their minds a lot.
Sex experts conclude that both are true, but it’s the second that’s most telling. Women don’t actually have favourite sexual positions. If forced to give an answer, they’ll say “missionary,” or get really crazy and say “doggy style,” but that can change depending on one girl’s night out.
This was demonstrated on reddit, where women were asked what position they favoured when having sex. In the early stages of the conversation, each one said the usual. Missionary and doggy style came up the most, with some variations including doing it in their parents’ bed, which seems to be alarmingly universal.
Interestingly enough, as soon as one woman introduced a new position, or an existing position with a new name, suddenly women were changing their minds left and right. One woman mentioned “power bottom,” which drew many requests for an explanation. “Man’s on the bottom, woman’s on top,” she explained, “but he does all the work.”
This resulted in a slew of other names for it, including “Flat Doggy,” “Lazy Doggy,” “Flat Iron” and “Prone Bone.”
Three women immediately changed their answers. Then another woman introduced the “modified doggy,” where the man’s on top and the woman’s lying flat on her stomach. This resulted in a slew of other names for it, including “Flat Doggy,” “Lazy Doggy,” “Flat Iron” and “The Jockey.”
It seems names mean a lot to a woman, verified by a bartender who changes the names of drinks every night. “A woman asks for a Manhattan,” he explained, “and I tell her, Do you mean a Madison Avenue Night Crawler? They love the name so much, they keep ordering until they can’t stand up.” He recounted incidences of women “Lazy Doggying” right out to a cab.
In any event, this could explain why men can’t name their partner’s favourite sex position. It’s a sliding scale. All it takes is a girlfriend saying “Prone Bone” and suddenly “missionary” becomes “vanilla missionary,” and who’s going to admit to loving that — or a Manhattan, for that matter.
Women are also influenced by other women’s problems. “I’m five foot and my boyfriend’s six two,” a woman wrote. “Some things aren’t going to fit. 69 was a joke, for example.”
There were so many “I hear ya, sister!” you’d think they were all in a nunnery.
“Works perfectly,” she said, calling it a “Power Dog” because, as she explained “Men thrust better when they dig their toes into the rug.” As do dogs, for that matter.
Then she explained her doggy position, where her boyfriend stands next to the bed while she’s on her knees on the bed. “Works perfectly,” she said, calling it a “Power Dog” because, as she explained “Men thrust better when they dig their toes into the rug.” As do dogs, for that matter.
Five women changed their answers, saying “Power Dog” was “the dog,” and they couldn’t imagine having sex any other way. No doubt, they complained later to their partners that they weren’t getting enough “Power Dog.”
Some boyfriends no doubt protested, saying if the dog was involved, they weren’t getting into bed — even their parents’ bed. Dogs also protested because they’d been sleeping on the parents’ bed for years, and why can’t humans hump out in the bushes like any civilized terrier?
Women were also intrigued by “Sleepy Sex,” where the woman is lying on her stomach, and the man figures out an entry point. “My boyfriend isn’t very well hung,” one woman wrote, “so it takes him a while, which is hilarious. It’s like watching high school wrestling.”
Men have certainly come to understand the phrase “No means no,” either through reprimand or court order.
“Wouldn’t it be better if you were on your side?” another woman asked.
“Sure,” the first woman replied, “but I’ve got shows to watch.”
Men have certainly come to understand the phrase “No means no,” either through reprimand or court order. Learning a woman’s favourite sexual position is another matter. We have to except the sliding scale and the influence women have over each other, especially when they’ve had more than one Madison Avenue Night Crawler.
Without a blackboard on the fridge saying, “This is my favourite sexual position for the week,” men will just have to avoid the question altogether. We avoid lots of things. This shouldn’t be a problem at all. If it starts to become one, take the dog for a walk or turn on Jeopardy.
And for God’s sake, stay off your parents’ bed. Especially if you’re over forty.
Do it on the sofa with the television going like the rest of us.
Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.
