What Can You Do About Wrinkled Tattoos?
How a Russian doll ended up looking like a butt plug.
“I’ve managed to avoid tattoos so far.” Mick Jagger
Here’s an interesting factoid for all you ink enthusiasts: None of the Rolling Stones have tattoos. Ronnie Wood designed his son’s tattoo, but he doesn’t have one himself. Mick never wanted a tattoo. Keith Richards can’t remember if he’s tattooed or not — but he’ll look.
Now in their seventies, they can laugh at the guy who got Tattoo You artwork on the side of his face. He thought Keith Richards had the same done, but Keith’s was airbrushed for a shoot. This ardent fan will look like a circus freak for years to come — possibly longer given how tattoos last.
Tattoos back in the Neolithic period were formed using soot, which is carbon, so carbon dating gives a pretty accurate time frame.
Ever hear of Otzi the Iceman? He was dug up in the Otizal Alps back in the early nineties. Paleontologists figure he lived around 2100 BC, and had over 61 tattoos. Some were medical in nature, located in high stress areas like his knees and ankles. Tattoos back in the Neolithic period were formed using soot, which is carbon, so carbon dating gives a pretty accurate time frame. So would a sales tag on his spear, but that’s too much to ask.
Tattoo inks today are made from titanium dioxide, lead, chromium, iron oxides and other ingredients. Some are industrial grade and used in automobile paint. Cars rust, people don’t. We hang on to tattoos longer than old Chryslers.
The Food and Drug Administration regulates inks placed on the skin, but not under the skin. Since most tattooing goes three skin layers down, and carrier agents include antifreeze or formaldehyde, you can see why The Stones passed on tattoos — as did Bruce Springsteen, Gene Simmons and Drake.
We’ve seen pictures of Keith Richard’s arms, complete with collapsed veins and wrinkles. He looks rough, as do other septuagenarian rockers like Ozzy Osbourne (10 tattoos), including a rose dedicated to wife and manager, Sharon.
Like Keith, Ozzy looks rough, and he readily admits he doesn’t remember getting half his tattoos. “I remember Sharon’s,” he’s admitted. “Some of the others, not so much. Tattoos are so impulsive, right? I’m very impulsive.”
Memories fade, and so do tattoos. You can always touch up a tattoo — or get it replaced. The same can’t be said of memory (as Ozzy knows).
Ozzy claims each tattoo shares a memory. That’s if you still have memory in the first place. Memories fade, and so do tattoos. You can always touch up a tattoo — or get it replaced. The same can’t be said of memory (as Ozzy knows too well).
Tattoos still remain part of the rock plumage, what psychologists call “passive aggressive art” because they represent “inner anger.” That’s a bit much, since not everyone inked is necessarily angry. Some just love art, and possibly the feeling it evokes knowing they’ve got a full griffin across your chest.
I had a lawyer friend once who said her whole office had sleeve tattoos. “Back when I was articling,” she said, “the women wore expensive lingerie to feel powerful. We decided sleeve tats took it a step further.”
When I asked what she thought her tats would look like in twenty years, she said, “I don’t think about it. So far, everything’s holding up pretty good. I’ve got a great tattooist. Besides, in twenty years, I might be bald.”
“He knows his inks,” she said, which is primary next to using good aftercare products like Hustle Butter (completely vegan).
Most of the women she works with feel the same way. They all went to the same tattooist. “He knows his inks,” she said, which is critical next to using good aftercare products like Hustle Butter (completely vegan). Then again, if you’re bald, I guess it doesn’t matter if your tats are fading. You’re frickin’ bald.
She did admit that some things are beyond her control. “I could get pregnant or have some hormonal changes,” she said, “but I stayed away from inking anything on my stomach or thighs. I also worried about crepe arms. My tats will hide a certain amount, but eventually they’ll look like drapes.”
Sudden weight gain — or loss — really messes with tat art. It can destroy ink pigment and cause what’s known as “tattoo shifting.” If your tats aren’t where they’re supposed to be, chances are, they’re following your skin. Skin doesn’t care if your tats stay in one place or not. Skin has its own problems.
“I grew up with a girl who was pretty wild,” this lawyer friend said. “She showed up one day at school with a tramp stamp. Years later, I ran into her on the street. She’d gained over fifty pounds. We grabbed a coffee and somehow we got on the topic of tattoos. She showed me her old tramp stamp. It looked like a stretched elastic band.”
Other horror stories include a woman who had a Russian doll tattooed on her inner thigh. Over time and constant friction, the doll ended up resembling a butt plug. It’s tough getting remedial work done on a butt plug.
Combine that with beer and countless cheese steaks, and his Colts looked more like Kentucky long rifles.
Then there’s the guy who had two crossed Colt 45s on his stomach. He was beefy to begin with. Combine that with years of beer and countless cheese steaks, and his Colts looked more like Kentucky long rifles.
Even gravity has an effect on tattoos. As we age, our vertebrae settles, leaving all kinds of wrinkles. Butt lifts, breast lifts and everything else we pull up and stitch eventually heads south again. There’s no fix for this, other than more pulling and stitching. Eventually, you look like a raving heretic.
Tattoos don’t remain static, in other words. When skin drops, it’s not just the epidermis. Everything goes south, leaving some Pelvic Girdle or Cuisse tattoos drifting below the waistlines.
God only knows where a Welcome Mat (pubic) goes, but a woman in Arkansas went to a tattooist saying her “Grab me here” arrows had disappeared. They were found under a fold of panniculus skin along with an old g-string.
You could be labelled a Tenderfoot, which is a bad thing if you’re trying to establish a “Live hard, play hard” image. Crying does that, too.
Frightening as this sounds, there are optimal places to get inked. Collarbones are ideal. The skin is thin and tight, but tatting there is bloody painful. You may require a Pussy Ball, slang for tennis balls given to whining customers. Or you could be labelled a Tenderfoot, which is a bad thing if you’re trying to establish a “Live hard, play hard” image. Crying does that, too.
Other places that retain their inked buoyancy are hands and feet. Again, the skin is tight, but putting letters on each finger can cause unforeseen problems. One guy’s fingers were supposed to spell “Gray.” A shop accident resulted in him losing a finger, and now they say “Gay.”
It’s also advised not to have tattoos between the fingers or toes. Friction will fade the tattoo until it looks like you don’t wash very often. Same with ankles. The constant rubbing of tube socks can turn delicate artwork into what looks like manacle sores.
Avoid these problem areas and your tattoos should remain in good shape. That’s if you treat them as art and not some form of clothing. Like skin care in general, tattoos need to be kept moist and pliant. Wrinkles will form regardless, but it’s like going bald. You can fight it all you want, but if you’re genetically predisposed, you either accept it, or do what one guy did and have a toque tattooed on your head.
They figured with all the wars and invasions, tattoos were a lot easier than trying to apply make-up during the usual raping and pillaging.
It’s a bit extreme, much like 17th century women who had their eyes and lips tattooed. They figured with all the wars and invasions happening at the time, tattoos were a lot easier than trying to apply make-up during the usual raping and pillaging.
That said, tattoos will remain popular as long as they’re considered art, and the Geeks don’t mind being geeks, and the Wrastlers don’t mind fainting on the table. It’s all about “showcasing” and being a “Michaelangelo.”
If some day your tattoos look like drapes, so be it. As my lawyer friend said, “Everything’s holding up pretty good so far.” When the time comes, and all things fall (as they likely will), you still have the memories.
“Hell, I used to fantasize that Paul McCartney would marry my sister.”
That’s good as long as you’ve got memory. Ozzy doesn’t. But, like he says, “I’ve probably got a lot of things I should forget. Hell, I used to fantasize that Paul McCartney would marry my sister.”
He should get a tattoo of his sister. Just so he’s sure he has one.
Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.
