What Makes Women Horny?

Women aren’t nearly as turned on by a big penis as they are by a big mop.

Image for post
Image for post
Courtesy of Dreamstime

“You’d be surprised how horny it makes most women to find that the kitchen has been cleaned up without asking.” Elle Beau

Boy, did Marvin Gaye ever have it wrong. I don’t mean to speak ill of the dead, but what were you thinking, Marvin, telling women “Baby, I’m hot just like an oven”? Women don’t want to know you’re hot as an oven. They want to know you cleaned the oven.

As men and women move towards parity in the job market, women are shifting their priorities — especially when it comes to sex. Rather than being turned on by the typical tie-loosening, Scotch drinking, ass-grabbing male we saw on Mad Men, many women are finding more sex appeal in an apron.

Not their apron, your apron. The one you’re wearing when they come home from work and see you polishing the refrigerator. That’s a turn on, an invitation that’s better than an embossed card. You’re suited up, you’ve got the smell of clean that drives women wild.

It’s more than just “tongue time.” Before there’s tongue, there’s the Swiffer, before the Veuve, Windex.

One reader, Elle Beau, got me interested in this whole notion. She didn’t exactly call it “kinky kitchen clean-ups,” but she did say it’s the little things, including flirting, planning and stove element cleaning, that actually forms part of what we call foreplay. It’s more than just “tongue time.” Before there’s tongue, there’s the Swiffer, before the Veuve, Windex.

I think back to “The Odd Couple,” where Felix is a clean freak and Oscar is a slob. They’re both divorcees, yet I can’t understand, based on what I’m learning now, why Felix’s wife threw him out? He does the dishes, vacuums the rugs, cleans all the linens. Why wasn’t she creaming her jeans?

Maybe “The Odd Couple” goes back too far (60s). Men were still doing manly things back then, like mowing the lawn, taking out the garbage, or adding a new back porch. Some even built their own houses, although they weren’t actually builders, so a lot of us grew up with slanted windows and toilets that occasionally shot turds up to the attic.

That said, was there even time for them to do housework back then? I know my father did both. He and my mother were pretty egalitarian. Not that she dragged him off to the bedroom every time he polished the floor.

Does that mean this cleaning deal is a modern thing? Are women just starting to get turned on by men being, well, “Hazel”? Or have women always wanted a floor polisher, undressing him with their eyes as he moves the couch?

It’s more about courtesies, what makes a man a keeper or, perhaps, a stud keeper.

There have been studies on this, one done out in Alberta, with nothing absolutely conclusive. Yes, women like men helping with the housework. Does it make them want to ride their husbands to the bedroom? Not really — or not all the time. It’s more about courtesies, what makes a man a keeper or, in an ideal world, a stud keeper.

Keepers (or stud keepers) are defined as men who show consideration. Helping with the housework is just part of that. They’re the modern day Metro Males believing in “fair division of labor,” which can be sexy as hell, according to many female respondents.

It doesn’t even matter how much housework we do. As long as we’re pitching in, there’s a good chance a first orgasm is already in the offing. That’s supposedly all it takes, although wallpapering the hallway right to the bedroom before you turn off the lights won’t run amiss, either.

Going the extra mile can lead to extra sex, including bellows and the equivalent of tank tracks down your back (if the kids are away, of course, or seriously sedated with turkey).

So what we’re really talking about here is “fairness.” The fairer the man is, the sexier he appears to his partner. This makes sense and could have historic precedents.

Didn’t Maid Marian call Robin Hood, “Fair Robin of Nottingham”? There was a lot of “fair prince” and “fair maiden” back in those times (think of Spenser’s “The Faerie Queene”). Who knows what crazy orgasmic pleasures were going on in Sherwood Forest and the Arthurian Court. You could bellow all you wanted. It was pretty normal. You caught more deer that way, too.

“I’d be touched enough that I’d think more highly of him,” one woman wrote, “and that might alter the current romantic freeze-out I’ve instated.”

On the other hand, when reddit readers were asked if they found their men sexy (doing chores), the majority said it was “attractive,” but it didn’t necessarily lead to more sex than their partners were getting already.

“I’d be touched enough that I’d think more highly of him,” one woman wrote, “and that might alter the current romantic freeze-out I’ve instated.”

Apparently, there are varying degrees of appreciation. In one men’s magazine, they included the “world’s worst wife,” Kate Thompson, who unabashedly rejected the idea of household chores earning her partner more sex.

“If you think I reward his sterling domestic efforts with treats in the bedroom,” she stated, “I’m afraid I fail in that department, too. Intimacy is reserved only for his birthdays — and then just the ones with a zero.”

Kate doesn’t hold back — except in the bedroom. “Does that make me a selfish, slovenly, neglectful wife?” she added. “Probably — but it also makes me a happier one.”

The “you do the dishes and I’ll watch the game,” shows a spoiled brat, something that isn’t sexy, except to another spoiled brat, in which case, the house is a shambles and probably so is the sex.

We have to take Kate’s comments with a grain of salt, since it appears that’s all she gives her husband. She did post pictures of her hubby minding the kids, and he doesn’t look unhappy. Maybe they’ve found their own equilibrium, or she just bought him a Miata.

In any case, it’s generally agreed that considerate men are held in higher esteem — if not sexual esteem — than men who don’t do diddley. Women want fair exchange. The “you do the dishes and I’ll watch the game,” shows a spoiled brat, something that isn’t sexy, except to another spoiled brat, in which case, the house is a shambles and probably so is the sex.

I think back to Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, two of the most inept household partners you could imagine. Their marriage was witnessed by millions on “The Newlyweds,” an early reality show destined to prove the axiom that two dumb people shouldn’t marry — or even have sex.

Marvin Gaye’s “Baby, I’m hot just like an oven” may still sound sexy, but you’ll do better cleaning the oven than making analogies about it.

But it also makes us aware that we’ve changed. We’ve entered a new arena of responsibility. Work is divided, paychecks are divided, and so is how we feel about sex. Marvin Gaye’s “Baby, I’m hot just like an oven” may still sound sexy, but you’ll do better cleaning the oven than making analogies. Women don’t really care about analogies.

Most just want to wake up to a clean kitchen — preferably their own, and preferably with you making coffee and pancakes with a courtesan smile.

In which case, morning sex could follow. Or maybe you’ll do the dishes. One or the other.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback).

Written by

I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store