Judging Crazy In The Dating World.

First of all, everyone’s a bit nuts.

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Courtesy of Dreamstime

I’m crazy and I don’t pretend to be anything else.” Rihanna

Let’s start by getting the terminology straight. As the good doctor, Hunter S. Thompson once explained “Crazy is a term of art; Insanity is a term of law. Remember that, and you’ll save yourself a lot of trouble.”

Based on this definition, everyone’s a bit nuts, artistically speaking, but not everyone’s a bit insane. You can’t have varying degrees of insanity. Even if we’re talking bat shit crazy, it’s possible that person has simply passed acceptable levels of crazy like “love crazy” or “car crazy.”

If you can’t blame it on love or cars, you can still say it’s hormonal. Nobody’s going take issue with that. It’s like a woman being frisky. Frisky isn’t a problem. Nymphomania is a problem. The difference is an estrogen signal that either beeps or goes off like an early warning system.

Now let’s separate hormones from environment. We’re all affected by outside influences like, say, truck drivers.

Here’s the thing about hormones: they gather, separate and sometimes explode. Atoms do the same thing. Atomic bombs explode. If you’re willing to accept atomic bombs, you have to accept a woman’s estrogen levels. The two have a lot in common. They both make people nervous as hell.

Now let’s separate hormones from environment. We’re all affected by outside influences like, say, truck drivers. When a woman runs a truck off the road, that’s not necessarily hormonal. It’s more likely an unprocessed moment. She thought the driver was looking down her blouse as he passed. Someone who’s bat shit crazy believes everyone’s looking down their blouse.

If you’ve ever studied behavioural science, some of the sanest women have unprocessed moments. They’ll still run a truck driver off the road, but they won’t necessarily brag about it to their friends afterwards.

Rihanna admits she’s nuts. Her psychology is geared to the unusual. If your current wealth is around $245 million, you’re an artist. If you’re running people off the road, you’re temporarily disturbed. Chris Brown is both and he’s being charged accordingly in a court of law.

A man on Reddit described his girlfriend as having a deer paranoia. “She thought they were judging her,” he said. “Is there a word for that?”

So how can we avoid bat shit crazy people? Are there signals?

A man on Reddit described his girlfriend as having a deer paranoia. “She thought they were judging her,” he said. “Is there a word for that?”

“Yeah, wacked,” a guy responded. “Does she also get pissed when deer don’t cross at deer crossing signs?”

“Yeah, exactly,” another man wrote. “Although, jaywalking deer are just asking to be shot.”

“Same problem,” another wrote. “I sent my girlfriend photos of some fawns. She wanted me to shoot them before they jumped in front of her car.”

“My girl grabbed the steering wheel and ran us into a streetlight.”

“To avoid a deer?”

“No, for disagreeing with her.”

“In technical terms, this is called ‘terminal retardation.’”

“My girlfriend started tickling me on a motorcycle — on the freeway.”

“She have a death wish? Wtf?”

“Crazy, man. Left her at Arby’s.”

I remember when Sean Young (Rachael, the beautiful replicant from Blade Runner) sent James Woods some disfigured dolls after he rebuffed her. She went on talk shows, saying, “Hey, would you turn this down?”

“Okay, I piss people off,” she told The Guardian, but is that bat shit crazy? Or was she a replicant getting type cast?

Lawsuits followed, laptop theft, the word “cunt” was taped to her back while filming “Wall Street.” “Okay, I piss people off,” she told The Guardian, but is that bat shit crazy? Or was she a replicant getting type cast?

Then there’s the woman who accused her boyfriend of cheating with a woman named Erica. “I don’t know any Erica,” the boyfriend said, but every time he left the house, she’d ask, “Are you seeing Erica?”

Turns out, his girlfriend dreamed Erica. He finally dumped her and got engaged to another woman. “I wanted to call my ex girlfriend and tell her my fiancé’s name is Erica,” he said. “Didn’t do it, though.”

“Just as well, dude,” someone wrote. “Not worth getting shot over.”

Okay, so hormones aren’t exactly stable, and sometimes that leads to gunplay.

It’s amazing how many fixating women are immediately seen as gun owners. “I turned my gun in when I got married,” one man said. “Best move I ever made. The marriage ended six months later. Would’ve ended sooner with a gun around. She was nuts and — according to her father — a good shot.”

Okay, so hormones aren’t exactly stable, and sometimes that leads to gunplay. It’s to be expected. So much of what guides us in life is a chemical cocktail gone wrong. Hormones affect everybody — women and men — although women take it harder than their male counterparts. Men go out and shoot something; women go out and shoot someone.

A study of 36,000 women found hormone imbalances in all subjects, whether it was menopause, stress or diet-related. Telling a woman that, though, is a mistake. Some have “throw down” weapons strapped to their ankles. Others call the cops, say you’re armed, and let them shoot you.

Whether that qualifies as bat shit crazy is anyone’s guess. It must be a growing concern, though. Just last week, there was a meme saying, “Wow! You are hot and single? I can’t wait to find out what’s wrong with you.”

It’s hard to date in an environment where you start out thinking something’s wrong. At the same time, not being prepared can be worse.

James Woods wasn’t prepared for Sean Young’s crazy, but few men pass judgment on beautiful women, especially when you’ve already seen her naked next to Kevin Costner in “No Way Out.” Young can drop a fur coat better than anyone I know, but she’s got her issues, and a two million dollar harassment lawsuit by Woods suggests those issues may be extreme.

On one interview show, he insisted on doing the dishes, claiming it’s his form of relaxation.

Obviously there are extremes, just as there are liveable quirks. Women will always have unprocessed moments. Most pass, usually before you realize they’re having a wobble. Men wobble, too, and James Woods has his own moments. On one interview show, he insisted on doing the dishes, claiming it’s his form of relaxation. We all do the dishes, James, and, sure, it can be therapeutic, but doing it on national television ain’t exactly normal.

Still, it’s seen as a quirk, just as President Trump has quirks every time he tweets something truly disturbing. Special council Robert Mueller has reportedly taken the president’s Twitter feed into consideration as he investigates ties to Russia and whether Trump may have obstructed justice.

Trump continued to call the whole investigation a “hoax on the American public,” and Democrats are just “lapdogs with no sense whatsoever.”

This is the same man (and president) who said his nuclear button is better than Kim Jong Un’s, since it’s attached to the greatest arsenal in the world, whereas Kim’s may be old elevator hardware.

Whether “crazy” is a term of art and “insanity” is a term of law, obviously, we’re all guilty of wobbles. Dating is a game of chance. The day it ends up court, it’s no longer dating. It’s an indictable offence with consequences. Nobody wants that, just as nobody wants Trump tweeting and getting North Korea pushing a button, regardless if it’s leftover inventory.

George Carlin once said: “Women are crazy, men are stupid. The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

For most of us, though, crazy or bat shit crazy doesn’t enter our lives very often. Hormonal imbalances, aside, we’re just getting used to each other. As George Carlin once said: “Women are crazy, men are stupid. The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

Once you accept that fact, the rest is simply learning to live with what we are. For men, it’s stupid. For women, it’s trying not to kill stupid.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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