“Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.” Pat Robertson
I rarely offer an opinion on men, feeling traitorous on one hand, a bit girlie on the other. Having said that, I do want to put some minds at rest. Men have been giving women the impression we’re complicated and devious. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Our greatest discovery was hitting someone over the head with a bone and realizing it killed them. This worked so well, we started beating animals over the head, too. When the bodies piled up, we discovered fire and burned the whole lot. This led to our second greatest contribution: steakhouses.
I can state categorically that all other achievements have paled by comparison. Sending folks to the moon? We littered space and left a few silly flags. Capitalism? Look who America elected president. The Constitution? An appallingly naïve document.
Because, if women knew how simple we really are, they’d laugh themselves silly.
No, I’d say men should stick with steakhouses. Everything else has either backfired, exploded or run off screaming. Steakhouses remain a brilliant concept. We should take comfort in steakhouses and build more.
So why, if we’ve fooled women this long, do I want to destroy this last vestige of male superiority? Because, if women knew how simple we really are, they’d laugh themselves silly.
Women in neolithic times continually laughed themselves silly. They knew men were simple. They saw us throwing meat on a fire and figured that was pretty stupid. Why not hold the meat above the fire? This led to the third greatest contribution in history: flame broiling.
Okay, so why are men so simple? Gym. We grew up with the rules of sports. We were taught yardage, penalties, goal-tending — but most of all, sportsmanship. Women don’t believe in sportsmanship — mostly because it’s called sportsmanship.
Women, on the other hand, flounce rules, figuring it’s no worse than what their coaches did back in high school.
While we followed our coach’s every word, women figured their coaches just wanted to get them behind the bleachers.
Men believe in rules because rules make sense. They give order. In Brazil, fans occasionally kill linesmen. Brazilians tend to go a bit overboard, but a bad call is a bad call. Women, on the other hand, flounce rules, figuring it’s no worse than what their coaches did to them back in high school.
This is what separates men from women. We respect sportsmanship and women don’t. We follow rules, essentially the same ones we’ve followed since playing sports at school. Most women think we do this to slap each other’s asses. Again, nothing could be further from the truth. Men follow rules because we simply don’t know any better (same goes for slapping asses).
Now, for some reason, women seem to think we do know better, that we collude. This is preposterous. A good percentage of men can’t even spell collude (or preposterous). If collude were a beer (which rhymes with nude, great jingle potential), we’d drink it but, as far as engaging in some sort of plot to subjugate women, well, most of us can’t spell subjugate, either.
When women complain about not getting senior management positions, think back to baseball. Remember when boys wouldn’t let you play because it was their game. Nothing’s changed. Their game, their rules. You could say most senior management hasn’t matured since 1328.
Men need incentives or we end up acting like chimps.
And here’s the deal with salary parity. Men believe you have to ask for a raise. Women think it should be automatic. Sports salaries are paid based on performance. If they weren’t, players would kick the ball anywhere they pleased. Men need incentives or we end up acting like chimps.
Let’s think back to how wars were fought for thousands of years. Most battles occurred in open fields, each side following the rules of engagement. Nobody bombed local villages, nobody used women and children as human shields. Soldiers were chivalrous. As long as they were chivalrous, you were okay — unless your side lost. Then you were raped and pillaged.
You could say feminism began many centuries ago when women decided they didn’t like being raped or pillaged. They couldn’t rely on their men since their men raped and pillaged, too. It’s all quid pro quo in the war business. You have to be darned chivalrous not to rape and pillage.
We handle contradictions, the way we’ve always handled contradictions. We either have a war or throw up a lot.
In any event, men are too simple to change in midstream. It’s like a linesman deciding seven yards isn’t a first down. It’s always been a first down. Change it to eight yards and you might as well cancel the game entirely.
Look how long it takes us to accept a team’s new jerseys.
Think about dating today. When women say, “I’m equal to any man, but I still want them to open doors and pick up the cheque.” Well, shucks, nobody told us rules could be contradictory. We handle contradictions the same way we’ve always handled contradictions. We have a war or throw up a lot.
So stop thinking we know what we’re doing. We don’t. Rules help us, sure, but only because it’s all we’ve got. Take them away, and we fly about like geese wondering why our nesting grounds are now a parking lot.
Just leave us our steakhouses, our rules and our sports.
The rest is way over our heads.
Robert Cormack is a freelance copywriter, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback. Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.