Why We Love Stupid.

Tattoos, fake breasts and enough fat to kill a donkey. Is there something in our gene pool that blocks irony?

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Courtesy of Dreamstime

Right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.” Chris Rock

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who enjoy being stupid and those trying not to be stupid. The first usually have tattoos, a clear indication they’re fine with who they are. The second have tattoos, but say they were a mistake. Ryan Reynolds has one of a cannon. He admits it was a mistake.

“People treat tattoos like bumper stickers for their bodies,” Reynolds said. Bumper stickers are mistakes, too.

This isn’t to say all people who get inked are necessarily stupid. Some just made unfortunate decisions.

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity,” Albert Einstein claimed, “and I’m not sure about the former.” Einstein never had a tattoo, but Queen Victoria did. Nobody knew until she passed away. Whether she regretted it or not is anybody’s guess. Einstein wouldn’t get “inked” until he understood the universe. That’s one way to avoid tattoos.

This isn’t to say all people who get inked are necessarily stupid. Some just made unfortunate decisions. I’m sure Queen Victoria would have traded hers for, say, a Corgi, and Reynolds, probably a Corgi, too. They’re cute dogs, and a heart tattoo will eventually look like a collapsed lung.

One of the most successful television shows right now is “Botched,” which premiered back in 2014 on the E! network. It follows two plastic surgeons, Terry Dubrow and Paul Nassif, as they “try to undo plastic surgeries that have gone wrong.”

For the majority of us, though, we get fat because we can, and that attitude has strange and bizarre implications.

Breast implants seem to dominate the show, some being larger than termite mounds, but Dubrow and Nassif have also had their share of liposuction gone wrong, often with women wanting their fat redistributed to their breasts. “Fat isn’t that easy to manage,” Dubrow told one patient, which really sucks if that’s why the woman gained weight in the first place.

For the majority of us, though, we get fat because we can, and that attitude has strange and bizarre implications. A spokeswoman for “Help the Santorini Donkeys” complained about tourists being too heavy for the donkeys to carry up hills. Santorini has a lot of hills. Some donkeys have actually died.

“The weight put on these donkeys should be no more than 20 percent of their weight,” the spokeswoman said. Overloading donkeys seems like a mean thing to do, but you can’t tell a tourist to lose a few pounds. They’re on the island to enjoy themselves. Donkeys will just have to buck up or risk losing the tourist dollar, in which case they’ll be carrying refrigerators.

Donkeys hate carrying refrigerators more than tourists.

Why would a woman on a dating site, who clearly has fake breasts, plumped lips and God know what else, say in her profile that she’s “looking for a man who’s real”?

So what makes us so proud of our tattoos, fake breasts and fat? Why would a woman on a dating site, who clearly has fake breasts, plumped lips and God know what else, say in her profile that she’s “looking for a man who’s real”? Is there something in our gene pool that blocks irony?

Perhaps we see stupidity as crowded territory with very little chance of us being pointed out. Frank Zappa once summarized: “I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.” Are we building or just adding to bad infrastructure?

Psychologists contend we’re not doing anything new. Back in early Egyptian times, people got fat hoping to live off the excess during droughts. This added weight made women’s breasts more attractive, enlarging what men of the time sought for procreation and the occasional party.

“Breast enhancement is a primal form of attracting a mate,” one psychologist explained. He also pointed out that some males in Africa still enlarge their testicles with saline.

Love removes “social shackles,” and we love to do stupid things when the only person who matters is being just as stupid.

This is supposed to make women horny. I think it would hurt less getting a Ferrari — or even a donkey that can carry a refrigerator. Most donkeys would be thrilled to get away from Santorini and fat tourists. Africa may be full of tsetse flies, but they weigh next to nothing — and none of them are tourists.

A question was posted on Quora asking: “Why do people do stupid things when they’re in love?” One respondent said: “It’s the one thing that separates true lovers from fake ones and the only validity of real love.” Love removes “social shackles,” and we love to do stupid things when the only person who matters is being just as stupid. You could say it’s like a bonding agent formed from like-mindedness and a need to wear matching sweaters.

When asked if we should hate stupid people, the general consensus is we shouldn’t. These people are no doubt in love — even if it’s with a tattoo, liposuction, breast augmentation or a Harvey’s Whopper.

If we weren’t in love, we’d end up actually thinking, which may explain why we’re stupid in the first place. Are we really stupid or simply focused on something that makes us seem dumb?

Many psychologists subscribe to this. The length and breadth of distractions these days certainly supports this theory. It’s why people fall down open manholes while texting, and why we can’t even do simple division. Computers, social media, online dating all contribute to making us dumbasses.

Even in some far-flung place in Africa, someone’s forgetting all their trials and tribulations by enlarging their testicles with saline.

We love stupidity, in other words, because we love distractions. Not having to think makes us comfortable. We can relax, we can concentrate on our next tattoo or what’s on the menu at Denny’s.

Nobody hates us because distraction is a worldwide phenomenon. Even in some far-flung place in Africa, someone’s forgetting all their trials and tribulations by enlarging their testicles with saline.

We’re simply not satisfied with survival, which is borne out by the amount of personal debt we carry. Banks say the average household spends more than it makes. Millennials especially could retire broke, having no real estate or other investments. Without calling them stupid outright, banks are raising the issue while raising interest rates. That seems stupid, but it’s how banking has been done since tattoos were done with pointed sticks and mallets.

It’s nice to have distractions, but we could also be seen by future generations as really stupid.

The question is: Can we continue to be stupid? The day will come when all tattoos will look like collapsed lungs, breast enlargements will be the only source of water, Denny’s will be the leading cause of national debt, and our thoughts will be screen savers.

It’s nice to have distractions, but we could also be seen by future generations as really stupid. Or we could end up like those Santorini donkeys carrying refrigerators.

That’s if we have future generations.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, journalist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores (now in paperback). Check out Yucca Publishing or Skyhorse Press for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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