Why Women Steal the Covers.

What it means to bed a “sleep bitch.”

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Courtesy of Dreamstime

If you’re going to fall apart, do it in your bedroom.” Margot Kidder

In Tennessee Williams’ 1953 play “Camino Real,” Esmeralda claims to regain her virginity with each full moon. That’s quite a trick. I say “trick” because it’s nothing compared to the trick women pull every night. I’m talking about the worst kind of thievery perpetrated against men: “blanket theft.”

All over the world, women engage in this thievery, although none admit they take the covers knowingly. Perhaps it’s a long forgotten stray chromosome triggering self preservation. Things got cold back in the Neolithic period. You grabbed what you could. Over time, women developed a skill for snatching bearskins, blankets and the modern day duvet. Women have an innate need for warmth. We wake up shivering like wet dogs.

A self-confessed “blanket thief” wrote about this in Women’s Health. “The number one mistake that victims of blanket stealing make is not setting themselves up correctly for the night ahead.” She recommends turning the heat up, for one. Secondly, modify your behaviour. Put all your manly weight on the blanket so it can’t be stolen. “As soon as our sleeping selves attempt to purloin the covers and are thwarted, we are likely to give up.”

“Wake her up, take the blanket back,” a man wrote on Reddit. “She’ll be cranky but she’ll learn. It’s called training.”

Some are, some aren’t. One man claimed his girlfriend could go to bed, curled up in her own blanket, and wake up wrapped in his as well. It’s called a “blanket burrito,” named after those burritos with two taco shells. The best ones have melted cheese in between. A few men claim they’re the melted cheese. Menopausal women are practically fryers.

“Wake her up, take the blanket back,” a man wrote on Reddit. “She’ll be cranky but she’ll learn. It’s called training.” He obviously understands nothing about menopause or how easy it is to get your nose broken.

The ones who do, resort to techniques that keep their noses in one piece. As one entry on Reddit advised, “Sleeping bag, dude. Let her try stealing that motherfucker.” This is known in the musty halls of men’s knowledge as a “burrito buster.” As the journalist from Women’s Health admitted, women are likely to give up. That’s if they’re the type to give up.

Some women have the strength of orangutans. Even in a sleeping state, they can pull the sleeping bag, with you in it, on top of themselves. This creates what’s known as the “heavy burrito.” The added weight stops them from opening windows in minus 60 degree weather. It’s a good thing, unless she decides she’s hot, or has to go to the washroom, or just hates having two hundred pounds on her. The man ends up on the floor, shivering like a wet dog, wondering why the toilet’s flushing at two a.m.

A more ingenious technique was offered by a man who suggested “stapling the blanket to the side of your head.”

A more ingenious technique was offered by a man who suggested “stapling the blanket to the side of your head.” Harrison Ford once stapled his hat to his head during the making of “Indiana Jones.” A hat isn’t a blanket, though. Jump up in the middle of the night with a blanket stapled to your head, and you’ll know what it’s like to scream like a banshee. Most men would prefer a broken nose. Scream like a banshee in the middle of the night, and you’ll probably get one. Women don’t appreciate men screaming, especially when their own hot flashes make them scream like banshees.

“I prefer it if my boyfriend just forcibly takes them [blankets] from me,” one woman wrote. “I may sleep pout or whine but he should do it, anyway, since I’m apparently a sleep bitch.”

Well, we’re all sleep bitches at one time or another, some struggling for warm, some just trying to keep a bit of territory. “I sleep elbows out,” a man confessed, “just to maintain my bed real estate.”

Another suggestion was giving the woman a onesie with Velcro strips all over it. “At some point,” the author wrote,” she’ll get all stuck to her blanket until she’s like one of those toad-in-the-holes. Works like a charm. I’d suggest NASA-designed Velcro. They’re used in mental institutions.”

An article in Psychology Today suggests that women don’t want the covers as much as your smell.

Clever to a point, but surely, if we understand why women are “bed hogs” and “cover kleptomaniacs,” we won’t have to resort to Velcro and sleeping with our arms out. Perhaps the solution is much simpler.

An article in Psychology Today suggests that women don’t want the covers as much as your smell. Subconsciously, they’re trying to wrap themselves in your scent which exists on the blankets. Animals do the same thing, including orangutans who have the strength of menopausal women.

All sorts of animals, birds and reptiles wrap themselves in each other’s scent. They just don’t have blankets. In studies where orangutans are given blankets, they’re worse blanket hogs than women. They’ll actually beat the hell out of another orangutan that tries to steal their blanket.

Orangutans and apes in the general are also big on snuggling and “spooning.” Studies show this need for contact is often mistaken for “bed hogging.” As one psychologist pointed out, “Most women aren’t interested in the blanket or the bed at all. They’re after your warmth. If you’re not compliant, they take the next best thing.”

It should be your car with heated seats, but, whatever.

If your girlfriend or wife is stealing the covers, maybe you’re not giving her enough warmth.

This could, however, be the answer to all issues of “bed hogging” and “blanket theft.” If your girlfriend or wife is stealing the covers, maybe you’re not giving her enough warmth. Maybe subconsciously she’s screaming out for contact.

If you’re not giving it to her, you essentially end up freezing, which is ironic on one hand, but totally justified if you’re a cold bastard to begin with. Try a little spooning, and maybe you won’t even need a blanket.

Psychologists and anthropologists also wonder if “blanket hogging” might extend back to when humans shared common lodgings. The Vikings all slept together, as did the North American Indians. They had lodges.

With so many bodies gathered in one place, a woman probably established her mate through whatever form of blanket or animal skin they used. Just like branding, scent became a distinguishing factor of partnership. Considering how people — and blankets — probably smelt back in those days, it probably wasn’t hard figuring out who was hooked up with who.

Another theory is that women are naturally “bed hogs,” since men, going back to the lodges again, hopped around like bunnies, conveniently forgetting their partners through either drunkenness or short attention spans.

As was mentioned earlier, somewhere in a woman’s genome, the need to protect one’s territorial prerogative still exists subconsciously today.

Another theory is that women are naturally “bed hogs,” since men, going back to the lodges again, hopped around like bunnies, conveniently forgetting their partners through either drunkenness or short attention spans.

If they were kicked out of one woman’s bed, they had a hell of a time getting back into bed with their own mate, since she was locked up tighter than a straightjacket in her own animal skin.

If men are shivering now, imagine what it was like back then. You could freeze your nuts off, all because you thought you could spread your love around to other bearskins.

Women today are just giving you a taste of ancient medicine.

In any event, as the journalist in Women’s Health pointed out, a little planning is all it takes to solve “blanket theft.” Try tucking one side of your blanket under the mattress, or simply buy a King-size comforter for a Queen-size bed. That’s not to say stapling an end of the blanket to the side of your head won’t work.

Most women don’t want you screaming like a banshee. She might start screaming back. re

But you’ll end up screaming like a banshee. Most women don’t want you screaming like a banshee. She might start screaming back. If you’re both entangled in the same blanket, it’s a “screaming burrito.”

That’s never good for a relationship. Even a Viking will tell you that.

Robert Cormack is a novelist, humorist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon & Schuster for more details.

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I did a poor imitation of Don Draper for 40 years before writing my first novel. I'm currently in the final stages of a children's book. Lucky me.

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